Wednesday, October 29, 2008

I Heart Dildos (UPDATED)

OK everyone (ahem, JOE), here it is. The post you have all been waiting for--


So before I start, I just want to explain to those of you who do not know me that I am a rather mild mannered, respectable mother and this behavior that I am about to describe is not the norm. The "girl's night out" gives us mommies the opportunities to take off our "Mommy" hats and pull the old, dusty "Crazy College Girl" hat out of the closet for a night. What you are about to see may shock or offend you, so if you are a devout Christian or Mormon, I please BEG YOU to come back to my blog tomorrow when I have something more decent for you to read.

OK, here goes...

So this is me:

Nice, sweet and completely innocent right? Yeah, I seem to think so. But the other night, this was me:

Now, I don't know how much you know about sex toy parties (particularly Athena parties), but the first thing the hostess does is douse everyone with pheromone spray. Do you know what pheromones are? Well, according to her, they are basically the "stink" that we all wash off that is supposed to "attract" our mates and make everyone around us love them. So imagine a room full of girlfriends soaked in the stuff while being shown sex toys, instruments and accoutrements. Yeah, they plan it that way my friends. To make us all hot and horny and willing to do crazy things with phallic shaped silicone tools of pleasure. Add some chocolate and wine and you get THIS:
This is me slathering nipple cream on my breasts that is supposed to make them all up and att-em and tingly. Let me explain something here. I was the ONLY sex toy party virgin in the bunch (yes, shocking, I know) so I got to be the guinea pig. That meant that everything the hostess showed, I got to try (except the equipment--get your mind outta that gutter!). This included nipple cream, pheromone spray, pheromone cologne, and my very very favorite--the flavored clitoral stimulating lotion. Yes, I had the pleasure of going into the bathroom and putting the stuff on my hoo-ha and then coming back out to a room of grinning ladies that were waiting to see the look on my face. Yes, it certainly did tingle, ladies and gentleman. I sat there fidgeting in my seat, all hopped up on pheromones and tried my best not to get in the car and drive home to my husband right at that moment. Good stuff.

Then we were introduced to Wally.

He was going to assist us in trying out various other items such as lube and something called a "virtuality sleeve." Use your imagination on this one and you should figure it out. Here I am giving it the old college try with the virtuality sleeve:

It's actually a really great bicep workout.

Now the coolest thing about Wally was that he would stick to anything, such as a chair or the wall:

Nice feature, I thought. I texted my husband this picture to let him in on the excitement. Then I sent him a picture of the beautiful penis cake:

He texted me back with "Please stop sending me pictures of dicks. Thank you. Love you." I guess he didn't appreciate it as much as I thought he would...

So the evening ended with me spending WAY too much money on stuff (that's why they give you the pheromones--it's all a business tactic I think), including a piece of equipment called The Butterfly Kiss which I highly recommend.

And yes, I went home all smelling like pheromones and you can guess what happened...

I don't have any pictures of that--that's where I draw the line.