OK, first of all, this isn't the "post when I ovulate," like, I am not ovulating RIGHT NOW. This is the story of
when I ovulated, which actually happened last week. I am about to share with you more information than I am sure you EVER wanted to know, so if you are squeamish about women's "business," such as reproduction, menstruation and fertile bodily fluids, then I suggest that you move on to your next destination, cause this post is for MY SISTAS!
Some of you may know that before I had my daughter, I was diagnosed with PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome), a disorder in which you RARELY ovulate, and for most women affected by it, it is very difficult to get pregnant. Yeah, it SUCKS. Sucks eggs, actually (pun fully intended). So when I found out, I was appropriately devastated and wanted to know immediately what to do to trick my body into ovulating so my husband and I could get pregnant. Well, I went on a little miracle drug called Metformin, which helped me ovulate every month and a half instead of two-three times a year and within three months of being on it, I was preggo! DING! We have a winner! It was great and I had my daughter, ya-da-ya-da-ya-da, you know the deal. But I still had this cloud hanging over me that I wouldn't be able to conceive again, or that it would be really difficult.
Well, this was fine until
The One Where I Changed My Mind (check out this post and you will now what I am talking about) because I wasn't even sure I wanted to have more kids. But lo and behold, that damn biological clock picked up where it left off and started ticking on me again. After a long, mature and heartfelt discussion with my hubby (ha, yeah right) about whether we should have another baby, we decided that yes, we would probably start trying again after we had moved into our new house and got settled. I was fine with that.
Until last week, when the unthinkable happened.
First let me explain to you that I was on birth control, simply to make sure we didn't have an "oops!" when we weren't ready, and to make my life easier by having shorter, lighter periods at the same time each month. But three weeks ago, I ditched the little jelly ring so I could "try" to get my body back on track before we started to try to conceive. I was imagining months of no period, followed by dreadfully long, heavy periods (like I always had before), followed by a trip to the OB/GYN where I would be poked and prodded and put on more medication. But, last week, while I was minding my business, sitting at my computer working (aka blogging), I got this strange sensation.
"Ouch!" I thought to myself. I had this stabbing pain on the right side of my abdomen and all of a sudden, I got a flashback of the day I conceived my daughter (yes, I do know the EXACT day; if you have ever "charted" your cycle, then you know what I mean) and that unmistakable feeling that I had all that day. There is NO other feeling like it. It is not like cramps, it is not like gas. I have had an appendicitis and it is not like that either. It is a very distinct, sharp pain like someone is poking you in the ovaries. Yes, people, you guessed it--
I WAS OVULATING!!!
My heart jumped into my throat and I did the quick mental math. I had ended my period about two weeks before, which would mean that, right off of the birth control, I was ovulating ON TIME!!! In my head I am thinking "no frikkin' way!" and I blew it off as a fluke. But for the whole rest of the afternoon, I felt that pain off and on. And lo and behold, whilst going to the ladies', I found the telltale sign. The sign that ONLY means you are as fertile as a redneck--EGG WHITE CERVICAL MUCUS (OK, I told you I was going to discuss female bodily fluids, so don't go lookin' at me like that!) Again, for any of you who have charted your fertility in order to get pregnant, you know that having stretchy, egg white-like mucus means that you are extremely fertile and it is the best stuff for those little guys to swim through to get to their destination. I must have sat in the bathroom staring at it for at least ten minutes, in total disbelief that I was fertile.
So of course I am having visions of jumping on this opportunity to catch that little egg before we lost our chance. I was ready to call up my husband and tell him to get his ass home NOW to make some baby-makin' love! I mean, what if this was THE LAST time I was going to ovulate for, like, six months--or EVER? What if this was some kind of fluke, or some joke that God was playing on me and I needed to be tricky and get the last laugh? So I texted my husband, and this is the exact transcript of that conversation:
ME: I'm ovulating. Isn't that cool? (Nice, subtle hint huh?)
HUBBY: OK cool. Does that mean you need a pill or something?
ME: Haha, no, I don't need a pill. I am excited that my body is doing what it should on time now that I am off the birth control.
HUBBY: Fantastic. So you have super powers now? LOL (WTF?)
ME: No super powers. Just hopefully the ability to get pregnant again someday. (yeah, the someday I was referring to was THAT NIGHT)
HUBBY: Right on baby! (the someday he is referring to is SOMEDAY)
ME: Groovy!
HUBBY: DY-NO-MITE!
(Yes, we are freaks of nature, but we make each other laugh, so it's all good).
So basicially, that conversation got me nowhere, so I decided to try my hand again later that day.
That night we had a VERY romantic dinner at an expensive restaurant and hubby was acting all lovey-dovey towards me and I thought, "This is my chance. I will get him drunk and take advantage of him so he can get me pregnant!" No, I'm just kidding (kinda). I thought, "This is my chance to broach the subject of conceiving that evening our next miracle child.
"So are you going to knock me up tonight or what?" I said oh-so-eloquently.
"Haha."
Yeah, that was it. He just laughed. So I let it go until later, during dinner, when I said,
"Wouldn't this be the perfect night to conceive a baby?" (I am smooth, aren't I? Yeah, you wish we were as smooth as me.")
"We're not conceiving tonight."
"We aren't?"
"No, we decided it was better to wait until we were settled in the house."
"Yes, but that was before I OVULATED!"
More laughing. Didn't this man know I was SERIOUS?
"I mean, what if it NEVER happens again? We don't know. We shouldn't be looking a gift horse in the mouth, don't you think? That's just wrong."
"We decided. We're waiting."
And this is where I slump down in my seat, defeated, because I know he is right.
So I decided to switch to Plan B and get him really drunk. Not really, but I thought about it. Seriously thought about it. I mean, I ALMOST did it, but then realized that I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I had to live the rest of my life knowing that our third child was born against my husband's will during a night of drunken (most likely bad) sex.
Damn that conscience of mine!
So I will wait patiently (yeah right) and hope and pray that my body continues to do what it is supposed to do so that we can squeeze out ONE MORE baby. Do you think that is too much to ask the fertility gods? I sure hope not...cause then we might be forced to adopt a baby from China or Africa and by then, Brad and Angelina may have taken them all!
Wish me luck!
From one little devil to my many devilish little readers--HAPPY HALLOWEEN!
Nice, sweet and completely innocent right? Yeah, I seem to think so. But the other night, this was me:
Now, I don't know how much you know about sex toy parties (particularly Athena parties), but the first thing the hostess does is douse everyone with pheromone spray. Do you know what pheromones are? Well, according to her, they are basically the "stink" that we all wash off that is supposed to "attract" our mates and make everyone around us love them. So imagine a room full of girlfriends soaked in the stuff while being shown sex toys, instruments and accoutrements. Yeah, they plan it that way my friends. To make us all hot and horny and willing to do crazy things with phallic shaped silicone tools of pleasure. Add some chocolate and wine and you get THIS:
This is me slathering nipple cream on my breasts that is supposed to make them all up and att-em and tingly. Let me explain something here. I was the ONLY sex toy party virgin in the bunch (yes, shocking, I know) so I got to be the guinea pig. That meant that everything the hostess showed, I got to try (except the equipment--get your mind outta that gutter!). This included nipple cream, pheromone spray, pheromone cologne, and my very very favorite--the flavored clitoral stimulating lotion. Yes, I had the pleasure of going into the bathroom and putting the stuff on my hoo-ha and then coming back out to a room of grinning ladies that were waiting to see the look on my face. Yes, it certainly did tingle, ladies and gentleman. I sat there fidgeting in my seat, all hopped up on pheromones and tried my best not to get in the car and drive home to my husband right at that moment. Good stuff.
He was going to assist us in trying out various other items such as lube and something called a "virtuality sleeve." Use your imagination on this one and you should figure it out. Here I am giving it the old college try with the virtuality sleeve:
It's actually a really great bicep workout.
Nice feature, I thought. I texted my husband this picture to let him in on the excitement. Then I sent him a picture of the beautiful penis cake:
I feel like I have lost my mojo. I think someone snuck into my bedroom and sucked my mojo right out of my mojo-makin' place (which I think is located next to my pancreas, but I'm not really sure), because I seriously can't get my sh*t together. I am feeling very un-creative, un-funny and un-interesting.
How can you go wrong with a fantastic price and a great product? You can't! So go to Zenni Optical and pick out your next pair of great eyeglasses for less!
I found this over at For a Pessimist, I am Pretty Optimistic--there's always something really funny over there!
This is the response I got when I said it was time to get out of the bathtub.
OK, first of all, this isn't the "post when I ovulate," like, I am not ovulating RIGHT NOW. This is the story of when I ovulated, which actually happened last week. I am about to share with you more information than I am sure you EVER wanted to know, so if you are squeamish about women's "business," such as reproduction, menstruation and fertile bodily fluids, then I suggest that you move on to your next destination, cause this post is for MY SISTAS!
Aesthetic Video Source has another great DVD for people looking to learn how to do spa treatments like hair removal. Advanced Brazilian Waxing Techniques is an informative recording of licensed aesthetician and instructor, Ashley Long, guiding the viewer through various brazilian waxing techniques, including designs and color. She goes through client preparation, positioning, supplies, minimizing discomfort, precautions, wax consistency, hygiene, and post-treatment skincare. For anyone interested in learning more about these creative waxing techniques, this DVD is perfect!
For medical and spa personnel, laser hair removal may be a valuable addition to their medical spa or dermatology practice, since so many women (and men) are seeking these treatments. Aesthetic Video Source provides professionals with step-by-step DVDs to teach procedures that they can perform in their practices. Their newest DVD, The Complete Guide to Laser Hair Removal is now available. Below is an excerpt of this DVD, which includes two renowned dermatologists performing laser hair removal techniques and giving helpful tips for others.
Apparently (because I don't know Portueguese, surprisingly enough), it says:
Thanks homies!
Well, in the wake of my two Humor Carnival posts, I thought I would switch gears a little and write about something a little more serious, a little more poignant and a lot closer to my heart.
ears.
This past week began Humor Bloggers Unite, a week of wacky shenanigans and FUN in which all us Humor Bloggers could get a kick out of ourselves and spread the word about this awesome community. Voting began on October 1st for the Humor Blogger of the Year Award, click here and vote:
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