Monday, March 2, 2009

He Blogs, She Blogs: Shoes, Fish and Metros OH MY!

Today I would like to start this week's edition of He Blogs, She Blogs with a little description of what we are doing here since there may be some new readers due to bringing on Captain Dumbass. He Blogs, She Blogs was developed by myself and Jim a.k.a. Heinous from Irregularly Periodic Ruminations to put a funny spin on comparing the thoughts, ideas and opinions between the two sexes (well, the two main sexes; we won't get into the "fuzzy areas"). It is not a competition, you are not supposed to choose a winner--this is simply for fun, to see how we differ and are the same. The questions we are answering come from the readers, and we are always looking for new questions to add to the list, so if there is something you want discussed, leave your question in mine or the Captain's comments and we will add it to the pot. Or send us some pot along with your question and we will be sure to get to it right away. Yes, we can be bought, and no, we have no scruples.

So today I let my awesome partner put on the big boy pants and choose the questions for the first time. We have my very own lesbian internet lover, Cat from Zipbag of Bones querying, along with Tony from, surprisingly, Life with Tony, Lawyer Mom from A Lawyer Mom's Musings, and Matt from DC Urban Dad posing hard hitting questions for us to tackle. Here goes nothin'...

Cat said: Question for the new duo: "Metrosexuals" - awesome new breed of hetero, or same old breed of in denial?

I love me my metrosexuals. I have actually been trying to slowly and strategically convert my man into one since I first met him, sneakily and subversively so he won't notice. It worked until I bought him a scarf for Christmas two years ago. That was when he figured out what was going on and put his foot down (his foot clad in Kenneth Cole designer sneakers, I may add). But let's be clear, there is a very big difference between a "true" metrosexual, such as David Beckham or Ryan Seacrest and a "bi-sexual" in sheep's clothing who swears that he's straight but just loves Liza Manelli and Cosmopolitans. I think the real metrosexual is the rugged, athletic man who is not afraid to buy incredible shoes to go with an outfit or an awesome hat. He uses the right hair products to make his messy 'do look "just right" and is not afraid to wear jeans that actually fit and pair them with the right accessories. He may even rock a man-purse, but that particular breed of metro is hard to find. He has to be sufficiently testosterone fueled and comfortable with his male sexuality to pull that off. What, I ask you, is wrong with a man's man that likes to look and smell good? I say nothing at all. However, if you notice him checking out Hugh Dancy's ass at the premiere of "Confessions of a Shopaholic" that his "stylist" got him the tickets for, then you may be dealing with a much different breed of man. That's all I'm sayin.'

Tony said: This is going to be good - there are a few things I've wondered about, such as why do women try on 20 different things, asking us how they look in each one and then end up wearing the first thing they tried on? Why do women ask us which shoe matches their outfit better - dude, I don't even care if they wear shoes or not much less if they match their outfit.

I know the answer to this question, and I am going to rock your world and change your life forever. Women DO NOT care what you think of their outfit, or their shoes, for that matter. They know what they like and they are going to choose the outfit that they thinks makes them look the thinnest and most savage, while making their ass look good. What said women want from these little "fashion shows" with their men is for you to tell them that EVERYTHING looks great because they look great in EVERYTHING. Then the woman feels good about herself, chooses the outfit that is most flattering and you get laid. So play along, enjoy your blow job and the world is a happy place, m'kay?

A Lawyer Mom's Musings said: Hmm. I've got a few questions. Like, how come men are born knowing how to clean fish and can even eat those same fish afterward? How come men have no problem looking at a naked uncooked turkey and removing the giblets, while women (if they're like me) run from the kitchen heaving at the sight?

This is one of those questions that can be answered by taking a look at history. Well, pre-history actually. We are talking WAY BACK to the beginning of time when Mr. and Mrs. Neanderthal shared a two-bedroom cave in pre-historic times with their two, smelly neanderthal children. This is about men's love of the HUNT and them showing off their skills with a knife, because back then, that was HOT. There was nothing more attractive to Mrs. Neanderthal than seeing her man come home with a great big boar thrown over his shoulder and then slaughtering it right then and there for them to eat. Cause, you know, food wasn't always around, so Mr. Neanderthal's ability to hunt and fish and then clean and cut up said animals was his greatest attribute. So, you know, they didn't DIE. Plus, there were no metrosexuals, so women based their attraction to their mates on their mad slaying and fileting skillz.

Now that we have food readily available though, it's just not as hot as it used to be...go figure.

DC Urban Dad said: How about shoes? Or okay, sex.

Most women love shoes. Some women love shoes a little bit too much. I love shoes, however, I do not spend a lot of money on them because I think that is a (gasp!) waste of money. I would much rather buy a killer pair of jeans or a new blouse than a pair of Jimmy Choos (not that I could EVER afford a pair of Jimmy Choos anyway). But I know there are some women a la Carrie Bradshaw who would choose to buy a pair of designer shoes over food for the week. Now, most men (the non-metrosexual variety) own a pair of dress shoes, a pair of sneakers and a pair of boots and are all set. But, for women (even me), there needs to be more available for different kinds of outfits, events and/or weather scenarios. So yes, men and women view this topic a little differently. The good thing about this is that men's lack of shoes leads to there being a lot more room in the closet for the woman's shoes. So this is one of those facts of life that helps maintain the delicate balance and homeostasis of the sexes.

Now as for sex...I say "YES PLEASE." Does that answer your question?

I hope I answered your questions sufficiently. Now, if you haven't already, head over to Captain Dumbass' crib and see what he has to say about these matters. Contrast, compare, laugh, and ponder, cause that's what this is all about! Remember to leave us a comment if you have a question and check back next week to see if it makes the list.

Thanks for joining us and peace out homies!