Monday, February 23, 2009

He Blogs, She Blogs: The Next Generation

Welcome to a new era of He Blogs, She Blogs. Granted, the first era wasn't all that long, but hey, I am excited to start anew with my darling friend, Captain Dumbass from Us and Them, who is taking over for Jim from Irregularly Periodic Ruminations. We hope Jim will be back someday, but for now, I have the Captain and he will serve as a superb distraction. As you all know, the Captain won the blogging competition to earn the spot of "He" to my "She," so this week he gets to strut his stuff and show us all why you chose him. Don't worry, Captain, no pressure.

For anyone that hasn't had the "He Blogs, She Blogs" experience yet, we will be answering four questions posed by four different readers. You can read my womanly, intelligent and witty answers here, and then go on over to Us and Them to read Captain Dumbass' answers straight from his testosterone soaked, Canadian brain. Yes, he is Canadian. Don't hold it against him, OK? He's pretty damn awesome, even if he does say "aboot" and is addicted to grilled cheese porn (that last part is my fault anyway).

So today we are fielding questions from Jen from Sprite's Keeper, Christopher from Cajoh, Cat from Zipbag of Bones and Frogmama from Frogs in My Formula. These happen to be four of my favorite people in the blogosphere so I hope to make them proud with my femalerly answers. (Yes, I know that femalerly is not a word, blow me.) Enough of all the fanfare, on with the show. Please sit back, relax and return your tray tables to the upright position.

Jen from Sprite's Keeper said: Here's a question: Who is better at multi-tasking? Men or women?

I think the first question that needs to be answered here is "who is better at TASKING?" because that pretty much answers the second question. I don't know "aboot" you guys, but at my house the ladies (a.k.a. ME) take care of all the tasks that need to be done while the men sit around watching television and drinking beer. However, if you count scratching your balls and operating the remote control as multi-tasking, then my husband has it all locked up. Supposedly he gets a lot done at that place he goes to every day called "the office" and it is possible that he multi-tasks there, but I have never actually witnessed it, so for the sake of honesty, I can't actually say that he is capable of it. For me, I am a pretty slammin' multi-tasker, since I have two kids and I work from home. There have certainly been days when I have been forced to be working on the computer, with a screaming toddler in my lap while quizzing my 8-year-old on his spelling words. Then there's dinner time when I am cooking, doing dishes, ushering the 2-year-old out of the kitchen every two minutes or so, yelling at my husband to get the 2-year-old out of the kitchen, AND drinking a rather large glass of wine. So multi-tasking? I think I win. My theory behind the whole thing is that men's penises take too much blood away from their brain, thus making it difficult to think about more than one thing at one time. It's purely biological.

Christopher from Cajoh said: Here's a question: Does either of you have a partner that snores? I know I can sleep through a hurricane, but I know others can't sleep if the other snores. What words of advice do you have to those suffering sleep deprivation due to their partners' nose flute solos.

My husband does snore, but usually only when he is REALLY tired or has had a lot to drink. Back in the beginning of our relationship, I bought ear plugs to wear, but with two kids in the house, it's not all too wise to not be able to hear someone calling out in the middle of the night. So I devised the perfect solution to the problem a few years ago.

I kick him.

Works every time.

Cat from Zipbag of Bones said: GravatarLove this idea. It's so...peace/love/understanding.

Hmmm. I would like to know what men REALLY think about cellulite. They say it isn't there (um, yeah it is), they say they can't see it anywhere (what are you, blind?), they say they like our real woman asses much better than all those smooth-assed celebrities (how is that possible?) - so I want to know the TRUTH about cottage cheese thighs.

Cat, you are in luck because I know the answer to this question. Men see cellulite. There is NO WAY IN HELL that they don't see it. However, if you have a good man, a man that likes his private areas the way they are, and a man who likes getting laid on a fairly regular basis, then he knows that this is SUCH a trick question. If we ask if they can see our cellulite, they know that if they say yes, we will devastated, even though WE know it's there and that almost every woman has it. Men don't want to hurt our feelings, especially if they love us or get to see our boobs. They also know that we will pout and not speak to them for anywhere from one hour to three days if they DIDN'T say that they liked "real" women asses more than celebrity air-brushed appendages. But ladies, this isn't a bad thing. Even though, deep down, these men do think that perfectly smooth thighs, buns and various other body parts are more aesthetically pleasing than our "cottage cheese" thighs, they are choosing to be with us, and since we are so FUCKING AWESOME, they don't care. I am pretty sure my husband would rather have my cottage cheese thighs wrapped around his waist than be looking at an airbrushed photo of Heidi Klum (that bitch that has perfect everything after having two children, whatthefuckisupwiththat?). What matters is that we make them feel hot, and we are REAL. And they love us. So they pretend not to see it and tell us we're beautiful. And you know what? I believe it.

Frogmama from Frogs in My Formula said: GravatarI wanna know why men are such lazy, slovenly pigs who think farting, burping and BO are funny traits to pass along to their children?

Boys have different wiring than girls. It's as simple as that. And men are simply large, overgrown, hairy boys who still think almost exactly the same way that they did when they were 9 years old. Nothing was funnier to them back then than ripping off an SBD or burping the alphabet, and honestly, it's still funny to them now. Now imagine that they have their own little miniature versions of themselves--what is funnier than teaching them the tricks of the trade and watching them follow in their flatulent, stinky shoes? Apparently, not much.
Personally, I hope to pass along my love of literature and sense of humor, but who's to judge? As long as my husband also teaches them to take out the trash (which I must admit he does beautifully), then I am OK with the other stuff.

But really, it is a little bit funny, isn't it ladies?

So now head on over to Captain Dumbass and read what he has to say on these matters. Give him some love and congratulate him on his first week of He Blogs, She Blogs. Then come back next week for more awesomeness. Don't forget that next month we have guest posters Steenky Bee and Cajoh filling in for us, but please pretend that you aren't just secretly waiting for Jen to take over for me because she is so much cooler than I am.

Thanks; I appreciate your sensitivity.I knew there was a reason I kept you people around.