Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Day 3: The Cap'n and DC Urban Dad

Today's two daddy bloggers in the He Blogs, She Blogs blog-off will not only impress, but will charm the pants off you (don't worry honey, I mean figuratively) with their tales from the crib. The first, Chad from Us and Them (a.k.a. Captain Dumbass), a dad to toddlers, and the other, Matt from DC Urban Dad who has an almost toddler, both put a funny, edgy spin to fatherhood that always has me doubled over in laughter one moment and enjoying a good case of the warm and fuzzies the next. Let's see what they have to say today, shall we?

Chad from Us and Them

The vivacious and talented Petra of The Wise (*Young*) Mommy put out a call last week for young champions to fill the shoes of our beleaguered hero, Heinous. I don't know about filling the man's boots, but for a chance to wear the cowboy hat? Hell ya. I don't think I could sport his 'stache either. Sure, I could grow one, but if it doesn't make me look like Tom Selleck, what's the point? Anyway, Petra called and I barked like a dog. Sure we're all getting played, she gets seven free posts out of this and if she can stretch it out long enough Jim might come back in time to save her from us mooks, but who cares, she smiled, we jumped.

Petra emailed my two test questions the day after I threw my hat in the ring. The first question I received was "what makes a great movie?" My eyes glazed over as soon as I read it. Partly because I've been inflicted with man-cold and am dying and partly because I was dumbstruck. Movies? Moo-vees? Those are like TV shows but longer, right? Like if I watched Mickey Mouse Club House four times in a row? "Hot dog, hot dog, hot diggity dog!" Sigh. I remember the days when Supreme Leader and I watched everything that came out. And I mean everything. When the Oscars came on, we could judge all the nomineees' performances because we'd seen them. Back when we were 'courting' I remember seeing many movies twice because we arranged a date and she suggested something I'd already seen before. Remember JFK? Remember how long that damn movie was? Like a day and a half or something. Oh yes, I was smitten.

What makes a great movie? It's not as easy a question as it may seem at first. Like wine or music, I think what makes a great movie is very personal. I could list off obvious things like a great cast, a superb script, cinematography, yadda yadda yadda. For you that may have been Titanic. Titanic for me was blah blah blah, Kate Winslett's boobies, blah blah blah, awesome ship sinking scene, blah blah, dear GOD is this over yet I have to pee so bad! Now before you write me off as a typical guns & explosions movie guy, let me state for the record that I love chick flicks. For reals. Yes, I did see Fried Green Tomatoes. When Harry Met Sally is one of my favourite movies. Four Weddings And A Funeral? So cried during John Hannah's eulogy. Love, Actually? Loved it. That said, let's not get the wrong idea here, I also believe Die Hard to be a watershed moment in film.

For me, a great film is something that stays with you, whether it's the whole film or just a moment of it. Something that you connect with whether it's laughter, tears, anger, fear or you actually learn something. And it doesn't matter whether it's good or not. Whether it's Schindler's List or Weekend at Bernie's. It's what hits you and sticks. It's knowing every song from The Sound of Music because your mother made you watch it with her every time it came on while you were growing up, and then loving it because she did and you were sharing something with her. It's enjoying the new Star Wars movies with your children despite the terrible dialogue and good God Lucas why not just let somebody else do it? It's knowing the original movies were no different but not caring because you're remembering them through the eyes of a seven year old and nothing will ever shake that wonder. It's the opening scene of Finding Nemo when Marlin is holding Nemo's egg and promising him he'll always take care of him and then the egg turns into the moon and the music swells and your chest tightens and you squeeze that child in your lap just a little tighter and kiss his head and silently promise him you'll do your best and please, oh please still love me when I don't.

What makes a great movie? Now a days, a great movie is one that's playing on a weekend my wife doesn't have to work and when the grandparents are free. What it is is irrelevant.

The second question was: Is there such a thing as "too much sex" with your spouse? How much sex is "enough?"

Too much sex? Sex? Hold on while I Google that. Sex! Right, that's how those little monkeys got here. Those two little monkeys who wander into our room without warning anytime of night or early early morning. Those two stars in my sky, those two little soul vampires. Those two little last minute wrestling, snacks, brush teeth, wash, read bedtime stories and snuggle before bed at 8pm when mommy and daddy can watch a couple hours of adult TV, talk about their day between commercials and collapse into a drooling sleep at 11 and awake at 6:30am when the youngest decides it's time to get up monkeys. Ya, I remember sex.

All kidding aside, can you really have too much sex with your spouse? I mean, if you're losing sleep and drifting off at your job, if you're getting friction sores, sure, that might be too much. Otherwise, no, there's no 'too much sex.' I think most couples' problem is too little. How much sex is enough? For the overwhelming majority of us, I'm guessing not as much as we're getting now. At least those of us with kids. Gone are the days you could have a quickie on the couch or a little 'afternoon delight.' We joke about it, but it is serious. It's an important part of your relationship that gets neglected in the day to day exhaustion of work and kids. Maybe Petra has some advice to give. Petra?

So there's my two cents worth. Hope you enjoyed it. I took some time and read a bit of the other candidates' work before I started writing, and I can honestly say I would not feel bad losing to any of them. All would make a fine He to Petra's She. Except for Gumbo, of course. The guy's a hack and I know he's done hard time for embezzlement. And Ryan. I think 'he' is actually a 13 year old girl in Jersey and his photo is just an actor because I'm pretty sure I've seen him on those late night all-male chat line commercials. Just sayin.

Kidding. If you are one of my regular readers please don't vote for me 'just because.' Make sure you read all seven posts and vote for who you think will do the best opposite Petra, even if it's not me.

Matt from DC Urban Dad

1. Shopping - yay or nay?

You just had to give me this one. Oh well, before I write what I am about to write let me go ahead turn in my dude card once and for all and damn I just got it back.....

Okay now that's done and I'm prepared for the comments (go ahead and call me Nancy, it ain't the first and not the last), let me set the record straight.....

Not all men hate to shop.

Me, I'm a closet shopper. Take me to the mall and let me peruse Pottery Barn, Restoration Hardware, JCrew, Banana Republic, Nordstroms, or Bang and Olufsen and I can stay pretty content for a few hours. You never want to see me again, drop me in Best Buy. If you want to help you pick out clothes I will do it, but remember YOU (yes you) asked (ASKED) for my advice. Oh, but don't ask me to go into Victoria's Secret - I refuse to feel like a pedophile.

And don't ask me to try shit on. That is where I draw the line.

The men that do like to shop, their idea is to get in, get out, get on with your life. We are quick decision makers - we see a shirt, we like it, we buy it. Shoes, they look comfortable, bag 'em. Sweater, great colors, will match my pants, charge it.

The fact is we don't try on. I repeat DON'T. That is what free returns are for.

2. What makes a great movie?

So what makes a great movie.....ladies ya'll gonna love this response, but it depends.

I know what you are thinking......just like a man to not really commit to an answer right?

Sorry to disappoint, but it does. Let me put it this way....movies are kinda like sex. Some times you want it nice and slow hit all the right spots, other times you ain't got the time so you just want it fast, others times you just want it hard. It's the same reason dildos come in different shapes, sizes, motions, colors, etc.

Well movies are the same way for men. A great movie depends on the mood and the participants.

Are you hanging with your guy friends? If so, men want a full on Action Flick. Shit should be blowing up every 10 to 15 minutes at the very least. Plot is not key, but it is a plus. We also don't want too much sex - a boob here and there - hell yes, but full on action - no. Ain't no need in getting wood while you are sharing popcorn with your best bud. That ain't cool.

Are you hanging by yourself in the afternoon? If so, guys will lean on a good sappy Sports movie. You sure as hell don't wanna be crying over Brian's Song or Field of Dreams while sharing Milk Duds with your chica.

Had a tough week? Men want comedy all the way - Pineapple Express, Old School, Anchorman, 40 Year Old Virgin. Something that will make you laugh and forget that you need to hit the reset button on your 401K and work till you are in your 80s. Something that does not force you to think.

Are you with your woman? Forget what Mary J says, bring on the Drama - we wanna show our serious side. That we're intellectual and can understand complex scenarios and deep relationships. It also adds for extended conversation after the movie is over.

Are you with your extended family? One simple letter will suffice "G". That's all the movie you need. Ain't nothing worse than watchn' Diane Lane take it hard from that dude in Unfaithful while you are sitting next to your Grandmother-in-law. Once again, no wood necessary.

So there you have it. What makes a great movie? It depends.

I don't know about you, but I am sitting here with my head spinning from the awesomeness that I have been exposed to for the past three days. It's hard to believe that we still have two more competitors to go. I mean, can we get any better than what we have already read? Only time will tell, for tomorrow we will be exposed to the sweet bloggy perspectives of Ron from Clark Kent's Lunchbox and Ryan from Pacing the Panic Room. Saved the best for last or too little too late?

You will decide.

Peace out.