Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Day 2: Crotchety and Idiot Boy Step Up to The Plate

Here we are, on Day 2 of the He Blogs, She Blogs competition and today we have two competitors who bring the he to the hizzity in the blogosphere. Yesterday Cajoh and Irish Gumbo started off the contest quite nicely with some bloggy stylings that would make my BFF Heinous proud. Let's see if Idiot Boy from Idiot's Stew and Joe, from Crotchety Old Man Yells at Cars can prove just as worthy (I have a feeling they can. Just a hunch.)

Idiot Boy from Idiot's Stew

I would like to thank the witty and adorable Petra for including me in her search for a temporary replacement for her beloved Jim. It is with great humility and the utmost respect that I contemplate stepping gingerly into his shoes, even for just a moment. I hope Petra, Jim, and you readers, find me worthy.

Oh, and for all you other hopeful daddy-bloggers who have submitted for this contest: blow me.

Question #1: Shopping: Yay or Nay?

I find “shopping” to be a slightly less pleasant activity than having my teeth scraped below the gum-line and only marginally more appealing than scooping up warm dog vomit with a slotted spoon. Still, like it or not, going out occasionally for new socks and underwear is a necessity. Even for me.

Indeed, shopping, for most hetero men, is nothing more than just another of life’s tasks that must be completed quickly and efficiently so as to minimize the misery as much as possible. This we achieve through careful planning wherein we employ organizational techniques learned on the field of sport, in the boardroom and in the war-room. To wit:

  1. Set Objectives

  2. Marshall Resources

  3. Launch Mission

  4. Execute Plan (thereby achieving objectives)

  5. Celebrate Successes (retreat to nearest watering hole for flagon of ale)

And this is key: once the objectives are set and the plan is written, there shall be NO CHANGES.

Of course, any well developed plan can be derailed by an intervening force such as an earthquake, a hurricane, or a spouse (of the female gender). Countless are the times I’ve been bolting toward the cash register, items to purchase in one hand, credit card waving in the other, when I have been tripped-up at the last second by this statement emanating from my wife:

“I’m just going over here for a second; everything’s 50% off!”

And then, somehow, I find myself sitting outside the ladies’ dressing room while the Mrs. tries on a whole new wardrobe. When that happens, there’s nothing left for me but to hold her purse and know my plan, like my afternoon, is shot.

Question #2 (in 2 parts):

  1. Is there such a thing as "too much sex" with your spouse?

  2. How much sex is "enough?"

Uh, ladies? Is there any one of you out there that has any doubt as to a man’s perspective on these questions?

If so, you may want to spend less time in the blogosphere and more time observing the beast with whom you live. You will notice he operates on a rudimentary evolutionary level very close to that of an orangutan. Like his ape-cousin, your man’s main drivers are eating, sleeping, pooping and screwing. If he is well fed, regular and somewhat well rested, it is safe to assume the only thing on his mind is getting into your panties. Trust me. It’s the fucking truth.

Therefore, I say confidently, there is no such thing as “too much sex” with your spouse…and there is never “enough”.

Having said that, I do believe there is inappropriate timing and there are bad location choices. I know we men could do a much better job of being sensitive to our mate’s needs and of showing self-restraint and a general sense of decorum (right!). For instance, we should avoid going after the wife, or girlfriend:

  • As the dinner guests are pulling into the driveway

  • While she’s fixing a snack for the kids

  • At her mother’s 75th birthday party

  • In court

  • At 4:00 AM Sunday morning

  • While the baby is crying (how do you NOT hear that?!)

  • At the airport (on either side of security)

  • In the frozen-foods section

  • In the side yard while the neighbor aerates his lawn

  • During American Idol

  • While she’s breast-feeding

  • At the bowling alley

  • During Deborah Winger’s death-scene in “Terms of Endearment”

  • On dirt

  • At your office while your assistant sits just outside the door

  • In the trees off the 17th green

  • While the septic-tank is being pumped

  • Etc

I’m not sure I’ve answered the question(s), but I feel we’ve shared something important here today. Thanks.

Joe from Crotchety Old Man Yells at Cars

1. Shopping - yay or nay?

Shopping? First of all, men don’t shop. Nope, never. We buy. Men are the ultimate hunters, and are genetically wired to acquire goods much as our manly forefathers did. We stalk, we acquire, we go back to the man cave. Simple and efficient.

For instance, if a man were to need clothes for an important event, say an upcoming wedding, he would approach it logically and with certain resolve.
While a woman would meander for hours to buy a simple frock, a man would go to the store that sells suits, decide on a color (some shade of brown, blue, or gray) find a shirt that complements it in the same store. Possibly, he may decide to purchase a tie also, but if he is a dad, he knows that his closet is overstuffed with ties that his children have purchased and presented to him for every single holiday since they were old enough to point to the most hideous piece of material on the clearance rack at Macy’s.
Shoes? Every man already owns a pair of black or brown shoes that will go perfectly with his new suit. Total time is about 20 minutes, including picking up a coffee at Gloria Jeans.
Shopping with a woman is totally different. After hours of searching for just the right dress, then comes several hours more to find the proper shoes because none of the fifty (50) pairs she already has are quite right. As if a man even looks at the shoes a woman is wearing. We wouldn’t even notice whether or not they have feet.

2. Body Piercings - awesome adornment or disgusting turnoff?

Totally depends on quantity. An earring or two can be rather awesome. A large diamond in the ear is understated and sexy. Nose rings, combined with a tongue ring, lip rings, naughty bits rings, and 15 studs in one’s ears, kind of freaky. I would be afraid to walk anywhere near a magnet, or to be out in a storm with lightning if my woman had too many piercings.

Well, well, well, the contest is heating up! Two more grand slams and STILL four more to go! Tomorrow we will read the creative musings of The Captain himself from Us and Them and Matt from DC Urban Dad (thankfully his groin pull is doing much better).

Pass the popcorn and pump the keg. This is gettin' good...