Everyone's a Critic

I fancy myself a pretty good singer. I'm not "American Idol Top 12" good, but I can carry a tune.

Well, while driving in the car today, I sang my daughter a beautiful version of "Put Your Records On" by Corinne Bailey Rae (since it was stuck in my head from last night's American Idol). When I was done my 2 1/2-year-old daughter took her thumb out of her mouth, looked at me in the rear-view mirror and said:

"Thank you Mommy."

I smiled. "Aw, for singing you a song?"

She shook her head fervently. "No, for stopping."

My face fell and I might have even pouted a little.

Tough crowd.

************************************************

At least I am not as bad as this guy...

Way More Exciting Than the Oscars, Without Seth Rogen and James Franco

Hold on to your hats folks, because I am about to announcer the winners of the three giveaways I sponsored last week. Three lucky folks will be surfing away from my blog today as winners of a pair of shoes, a do-it-yourself photo book and a large, intimidating vibrator. Where else on the internet can you get that much diversity, really? Who knows what I will give away next week? Bongs? The Bumpit? A girl can only dream...

On to the winners.

(By the way, I used Random.org to choose the winners, but I don't know how to do that screenshot thingy and Jim used to tell me how to do that stuff, so I couldn't get you any proof that I did, indeed, go there and randomly choose a winner. So you're just gonna have to trust me. Having said that, all three winners just happen to be friends of mine, two actually in real life, so now I am really kicking myself that I didn't find out how to do the stupid screenshot. Fuck. Please don't hold an uprising and cry foul, OK? I swear on my dildo collection that these people won fair and square.)

OK, the winner of the See Kai Run Giveaway is...

Erica T.!

Erica is an old friend of mine from college and her daughter is just adorable! She chose the pair of Stella shoes from the See Kai Run line for her little girl and I know they are going to look just fabulous on her. Congratulations Erica!!

The winner of the Zoom Album Giveaway is...

My very own He Blogs, She Blogs partner in crime Captain Dumbass!

The Captain said that he would fill his album with pictures of his famous grilled cheese porn, inspired by me (don't ask, long story), so I am pretty stoked that he won. I am secretly hoping that he will then send me the book as a memento of our friendship, but that's just wishful thinking. Congrats my friend!

And finally, the winner of the EdenFantasys.com Giveaway and the proud owner of a BRAND NEW, ahem, Double Bunny Rotating Vibe Vibrator is...

Mel from Mommydoodles!

Some of you may know that Mel designed my blog and did a kick-ass job, and she is also my friend in real life. We went to high school together, so she knew me before I was the famous (yeah right) mom blogger that I am today. She also just had a baby four months ago so I think she is properly deserving of this fine piece of equipment. Congrats Mel, and enjoy *wink *wink.

So that's all she wrote friends. Congratulations to all the winners and be sure to keep your eyes and ears peeled for more giveaways, cause like I said, you never know what could be next...

You just might find yourself the proud owner of this:

You know you want it.

(Almost) Wordless Wednesday: Atypical Sunday

This past Sunday, my husband actually stayed home with the family instead of working on our house. We had breakfast, went on a hike in the freezing rain with the dog and came back to the warm house to snuggle and drink hot chocolate. It was beautiful. A reminder of the way things used to be before we bought our money pit and moved in with my in-laws. A renewed memory of lazy Sundays as a family. Here is what it looked like:


I look forward to the day (hopefully) sometime soon when every Sunday can be like this one (perhaps minus the 30 lb toddler on my back--next time hubby gets the babypack).

It will all be worth it.

Yes, I Would Jump Off a Cliff if My Friends Were Doing It

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He Blogs, She Blogs: The Next Generation

Welcome to a new era of He Blogs, She Blogs. Granted, the first era wasn't all that long, but hey, I am excited to start anew with my darling friend, Captain Dumbass from Us and Them, who is taking over for Jim from Irregularly Periodic Ruminations. We hope Jim will be back someday, but for now, I have the Captain and he will serve as a superb distraction. As you all know, the Captain won the blogging competition to earn the spot of "He" to my "She," so this week he gets to strut his stuff and show us all why you chose him. Don't worry, Captain, no pressure.

For anyone that hasn't had the "He Blogs, She Blogs" experience yet, we will be answering four questions posed by four different readers. You can read my womanly, intelligent and witty answers here, and then go on over to Us and Them to read Captain Dumbass' answers straight from his testosterone soaked, Canadian brain. Yes, he is Canadian. Don't hold it against him, OK? He's pretty damn awesome, even if he does say "aboot" and is addicted to grilled cheese porn (that last part is my fault anyway).

So today we are fielding questions from Jen from Sprite's Keeper, Christopher from Cajoh, Cat from Zipbag of Bones and Frogmama from Frogs in My Formula. These happen to be four of my favorite people in the blogosphere so I hope to make them proud with my femalerly answers. (Yes, I know that femalerly is not a word, blow me.) Enough of all the fanfare, on with the show. Please sit back, relax and return your tray tables to the upright position.

Jen from Sprite's Keeper said: Here's a question: Who is better at multi-tasking? Men or women?

I think the first question that needs to be answered here is "who is better at TASKING?" because that pretty much answers the second question. I don't know "aboot" you guys, but at my house the ladies (a.k.a. ME) take care of all the tasks that need to be done while the men sit around watching television and drinking beer. However, if you count scratching your balls and operating the remote control as multi-tasking, then my husband has it all locked up. Supposedly he gets a lot done at that place he goes to every day called "the office" and it is possible that he multi-tasks there, but I have never actually witnessed it, so for the sake of honesty, I can't actually say that he is capable of it. For me, I am a pretty slammin' multi-tasker, since I have two kids and I work from home. There have certainly been days when I have been forced to be working on the computer, with a screaming toddler in my lap while quizzing my 8-year-old on his spelling words. Then there's dinner time when I am cooking, doing dishes, ushering the 2-year-old out of the kitchen every two minutes or so, yelling at my husband to get the 2-year-old out of the kitchen, AND drinking a rather large glass of wine. So multi-tasking? I think I win. My theory behind the whole thing is that men's penises take too much blood away from their brain, thus making it difficult to think about more than one thing at one time. It's purely biological.

Christopher from Cajoh said: Here's a question: Does either of you have a partner that snores? I know I can sleep through a hurricane, but I know others can't sleep if the other snores. What words of advice do you have to those suffering sleep deprivation due to their partners' nose flute solos.

My husband does snore, but usually only when he is REALLY tired or has had a lot to drink. Back in the beginning of our relationship, I bought ear plugs to wear, but with two kids in the house, it's not all too wise to not be able to hear someone calling out in the middle of the night. So I devised the perfect solution to the problem a few years ago.

I kick him.

Works every time.

Cat from Zipbag of Bones said: Love this idea. It's so...peace/love/understanding.

Hmmm. I would like to know what men REALLY think about cellulite. They say it isn't there (um, yeah it is), they say they can't see it anywhere (what are you, blind?), they say they like our real woman asses much better than all those smooth-assed celebrities (how is that possible?) - so I want to know the TRUTH about cottage cheese thighs.

Cat, you are in luck because I know the answer to this question. Men see cellulite. There is NO WAY IN HELL that they don't see it. However, if you have a good man, a man that likes his private areas the way they are, and a man who likes getting laid on a fairly regular basis, then he knows that this is SUCH a trick question. If we ask if they can see our cellulite, they know that if they say yes, we will devastated, even though WE know it's there and that almost every woman has it. Men don't want to hurt our feelings, especially if they love us or get to see our boobs. They also know that we will pout and not speak to them for anywhere from one hour to three days if they DIDN'T say that they liked "real" women asses more than celebrity air-brushed appendages. But ladies, this isn't a bad thing. Even though, deep down, these men do think that perfectly smooth thighs, buns and various other body parts are more aesthetically pleasing than our "cottage cheese" thighs, they are choosing to be with us, and since we are so FUCKING AWESOME, they don't care. I am pretty sure my husband would rather have my cottage cheese thighs wrapped around his waist than be looking at an airbrushed photo of Heidi Klum (that bitch that has perfect everything after having two children, whatthefuckisupwiththat?). What matters is that we make them feel hot, and we are REAL. And they love us. So they pretend not to see it and tell us we're beautiful. And you know what? I believe it.

Frogmama from Frogs in My Formula said: I wanna know why men are such lazy, slovenly pigs who think farting, burping and BO are funny traits to pass along to their children?

Boys have different wiring than girls. It's as simple as that. And men are simply large, overgrown, hairy boys who still think almost exactly the same way that they did when they were 9 years old. Nothing was funnier to them back then than ripping off an SBD or burping the alphabet, and honestly, it's still funny to them now. Now imagine that they have their own little miniature versions of themselves--what is funnier than teaching them the tricks of the trade and watching them follow in their flatulent, stinky shoes? Apparently, not much. Personally, I hope to pass along my love of literature and sense of humor, but who's to judge? As long as my husband also teaches them to take out the trash (which I must admit he does beautifully), then I am OK with the other stuff.

But really, it is a little bit funny, isn't it ladies?

So now head on over to Captain Dumbass and read what he has to say on these matters. Give him some love and congratulate him on his first week of He Blogs, She Blogs. Then come back next week for more awesomeness. Don't forget that next month we have guest posters Steenky Bee and Cajoh filling in for us, but please pretend that you aren't just secretly waiting for Jen to take over for me because she is so much cooler than I am.

Thanks; I appreciate your sensitivity.I knew there was a reason I kept you people around.

The Grand Finale: EdenFantasys.com Review and Giveaway (Adults Only) And Please Joe, Look Away...

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The Giveaway Spree Continues: Zoom Album Review and Giveaway!

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(Almost) Wordless Wednesday: Like Mother, Like Daughter

I think she's starting a blog.

Happy Wordless Wednesday everyone!

Don't forget to come back tomorrow for my Zoom Albums review and giveaway!

See Kai Run Review and Giveaway!

Good morning folks, and welcome to Day 1 of the week of giveaways here at The Wise (*Young*) Mommy! Today we have a review of a pair of See Kai Run shoes that I was lucky enough to receive for my 2 1/2-year-old daughter. This is the second pair I have had the pleasure to review and the third pair that we have owned, and they did not disappoint, just like the others!

Here is my princess modeling her new shoes, that she absolutely ADORES:

As you can see, it wasn't hard for me to get her to "strike a pose," seeing that all I said was "smile and say cheese" and this is what she did. I think I am in major trouble.

Here are some close-ups of these sassy sandals:


And yes, my daughter does request that her toenails remain painted YEAR ROUND. Hello? MINE aren't even painted...

I LOVE these shoes. See Kai Run makes the best quality, leather, soft rubber soled shoes that provide a great, comfortable fit and a sturdy option for your infant or toddler's growing little tootsies. They have a huge selection of sneakers, sandals and crib shoes. Their "Smaller" collection is for babies ages 0-18 months and their "See Kai Run" line is sizes 3-9. They also have a collection of shoes for older children ages 4-8 called "Eleven" but those will not be included in my giveaway. However, they are worth looking at if you have an older kid because they are gorgeous as well.

So here's the fun part. Go to the See Kai Run web site, take a look around and pick out a pair of shoes from the Smaller or See Kai Run collection that you would like to own. Come back here and leave a comment with the pair you would like if you win, and next week I will draw a winner! It's that simple. However, if you want extra entries, here are all the things you can do to increase your chances of winning:

1. Tweet about the giveaway with a link to my post

2. Mention the giveaway with a link to my post on your own blog

Simply e-mail me after you have done either (or both) of the above and I will put you down for another entry for each. So everyone has a chance for as many as three entries per person! Chances for entries will close Friday, February 20th, so be sure to get them in and e-mail me to let me know.

Good luck to everyone and come back tomorrow for my Zoom Album review and giveaway!

Rock on!

And the Winner Is...ME!

And the reason I am the winner is because I had so many incredible daddy bloggers competing for the spot of blogging alongside me for He Blogs, She Blogs and they courted me just fine. OK, more than just fine. Every single one was FUCKING AWESOME. Almost every e-mail vote I received stated how hard it was to choose the winner because they were all so perfect, and because of that, I have added a little twist to the scenario, which I will share with you shortly. But in the meantime, let's talk about the results of the voting. And here it is:

Second runner up and winner of a year's supply of KY Jelly is a THREE WAY TIE!!!

We have Ron from Clark Kent's Lunchbox,

Ian from Idiot's Stew, and

Ryan from Pacing the Panic Room!

These three guys all brought it to the table so let's get a round of applause for this super group of guys!

[APPLAUSE]

And next, first runner up and winner of a signed framed photo of The Wise (*Young*) Mommy is...

Christopher from Cajoh!!!

Good job man! (Enjoy the photo, and don't sell it on e-bay!)

And finally, the BIG winner of the He Blogs, She Blogs competition is...

CHAD FROM US AND THEM!!!!

(Insert wild applause, confetti and noice makers here.)

Yes, folks, in a landslide win, readers said that Chad made them laugh, cry and ponder, and thus, he was the one they felt deserved to provide the male perspective in He Blogs, She Blogs for the duration of Jim's absence. I must say, I am thrilled. Because I think that Chad is an amazing writer, an awesome dad and a funny sonofabitch to boot. Plus, he's adorable and charming and can trash talk the pants off you any day. Fo' real, this dude has it all locked up and I know he will fill Jim's shoes just fine (and maybe, just maybe, the cowboy hat. We'll see...)

Congratulations Chad! I hope you are ready for the challenge. I'm not easy to work with, you know.

I want to send out a hearty thank you to all the other excellent dad bloggers who participated in the blog-off; they were so great and they helped make it an incredibly hard decision for everyone. Thank you to Kevin from Irish Gumbo, Joe from Crotchety Old Man Yells at Cars and Matt from DC Urban Dad. You guys are the bees' knees and will not be easily forgotten. Which brings us to...

The surprise you have all been waiting for! I had so many suggestions that I should let all the fellas participate that I have decided to add a little twist to He Blogs, She Blogs. Starting in the month of March, we will have one male/female He Blogs, She Blogs guest posting duo that take over for me and Chad once a month. The male guest posters will start out consisting of the other contestants, first being Cajoh, and then the others in turn. And the first female guest poster will be someone very special, and very close to my heart, and also someone who has been a bit MIA lately and very much missed. The one and only adorable, talented and self-deprecating...

STEENKY BEE!!!!

Careful people, don't fall off your work chairs or spit out your coffee. I know how exciting this is (especially for me, since I ADORE Jen over at Steenky Bee and the opportunity to work with her makes me quiver with anticipation). Stay tuned for the exact date for Jen and Christopher's first HBSB guest post, and feel free to throw me some suggestions for other female guest posters you would like to see in the future. I will be choosing women whom I think will bring justice to the topics, as well as work well with the fantastic dad bloggers with whom they will be interfacing. However, I am not an island, and I am fully open to suggestion...

In closing, we are starting to run out of topics, so PLEASE leave me some comments with questions you want answered by my new partner, Chad, and I for future segments of He Blogs, She Blogs. Next Monday will kick off our run together, and I can't wait. Excitement and hilarity awaits, and you WILL want to be a part of it.

Be there or be square.

Oh yeah, and don't forget to come back for the rest of the week for my giveaway spree! Tomorrow kicks it off with the See Kai Run review and giveaway, followed by Zoom Album on Thursday and Eden Fantasys on Friday. Free stuff!! W00t!

Happy Schmalentine's Day

Happy Valentine's Day to my kick-ass readers. I would give you all a nice, big, wet french kiss if I could (and if it wouldn't make my husband jealous).

Have fun today, be safe, tell the people you love you love them and have lots of crazy, uninhibited bunny sex.

Cause THAT, my friends, is what Valentine's Day is all about.

XOXO

Celebrating 20,000 Visitors - A Giveaway Spree!

First of all, have you voted for He Blogs, She Blogs?

I hope so, and if you haven't, you have until Sunday to e-mail your choice for Jim's replacement for He Blogs, She Blogs. If you haven't read all the submissions, click here, and here, and here, and...here. Read, bask in the delicious blogging prowess of my suitors and then let me know who you think takes the cake. Then they get to eat it...yum. The winner is going to be announced on Monday, and the following Monday the lucky victim will start his HBSB duties. We're gonna rock out with our cocks out and you're not going to want to miss it.

You know what else you aren't going to want to miss? My INCREDIBLE WEEK OF GIVEAWAYS!! Yes, I said a WHOLE WEEK of giveaways. Well, actually three days, but still, that's pretty freakin' awesome, if you ask me. A couple of weeks ago, I hit 20,000 visitors, so in honor of that, I am giving away a bevvy of booty. And the booty that's up for grabs? Simply irresistible.

And on that note...



Can I just tell you how much I wanted to be one of those long-legged, ruby-lipped beauties back in the day? There was just something about that slicked back dark hair, light skin and those painted pouts that made me yearn to be one of Robert Palmers harem.

Anyway, I digress...

So the first giveaway will be on TUESDAY, for a pair of See Kai Run shoes for your baby or toddler. Julie from See Kai Run was generous enough to send me these little beauties for my princess:
Can you say FETCHING and ADORABLE? I have absolutely been in love with See Kai Run's line of baby and toddler friendly footwear since my toddler was a baby, and now I have the pleasure of giving my second pair away to one of my readers. On Tuesday, I will show you some pictures of these gorgeous kicks on my daughter and a full review, and all you have to do is visit their site, pick out a pair that you want and come back and comment with your choice. There will also be other ways to earn more entries, so be sure to come back and find out how to increase your chances of winning a pair of these comfy, cute shoes for your munchkin.

THEN on THURSDAY, we have a review of this super cool product that I was sent called Zoom Albums. Zoom Albums are little kits that allow you to make your own handy dandy portable photo albums from your digital pictures and take it from me, you are going to want to check this out. They sent me a sample and it was one of the neatest little things I have ever seen for showing off your kids (or your nude photos of yourself, whatever.) They also have a really cool affiliate program that allows you to earn money by referring friends and family to try them out. Cool product and the ability to make some moolah? Where do I sign up??

And finally, the grand finale of giveaways will be on FRIDAY, when I will do a product review for EdenFantasys , a fantastic adult toy store with a huge selection of bedroom accoutrements that will make you breathless with desire. Yeah, I'll just say that I'm lucky I am broke, cause otherwise we would have a rather large shipment arriving next week. But Drew from EdenFantasys was kind enough to let me pick out my personal fave to try out and share with you. Then you lucky readers will get to enter for the chance to win one for yourself. Feel free to check out their site by clicking on the ad or the scrolling discreet massagers found on my left sidebar to get a sneak peek. Enjoy, my friends...

So that's all for now. I hope you all enjoy your weekends and come back on Monday for the big announcement of the winner of the He Blogs, She Blogs blog-off. Then we will kick off the week of giveaways and get drunk on mojitos and eat nachos till we puke. It's gonna be RAD.

And since I am feeling nostalgic, I will leave you with this little gem:



Try getting that out of your head.

You're welcome ;)

The Final Day: Clark Kent's Lunchbox vs. Pacing the Panic Room

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Day 3: The Cap'n and DC Urban Dad

Today's two daddy bloggers in the He Blogs, She Blogs blog-off will not only impress, but will charm the pants off you (don't worry honey, I mean figuratively) with their tales from the crib. The first, Chad from Us and Them (a.k.a. Captain Dumbass), a dad to toddlers, and the other, Matt from DC Urban Dad who has an almost toddler, both put a funny, edgy spin to fatherhood that always has me doubled over in laughter one moment and enjoying a good case of the warm and fuzzies the next. Let's see what they have to say today, shall we?


Chad from Us and Them

The vivacious and talented Petra of The Wise (*Young*) Mommy put out a call last week for young champions to fill the shoes of our beleaguered hero, Heinous. I don't know about filling the man's boots, but for a chance to wear the cowboy hat? Hell ya. I don't think I could sport his 'stache either. Sure, I could grow one, but if it doesn't make me look like Tom Selleck, what's the point? Anyway, Petra called and I barked like a dog. Sure we're all getting played, she gets seven free posts out of this and if she can stretch it out long enough Jim might come back in time to save her from us mooks, but who cares, she smiled, we jumped.


Petra emailed my two test questions the day after I threw my hat in the ring. The first question I received was "what makes a great movie?" My eyes glazed over as soon as I read it. Partly because I've been inflicted with man-cold and am dying and partly because I was dumbstruck. Movies? Moo-vees? Those are like TV shows but longer, right? Like if I watched Mickey Mouse Club House four times in a row? "Hot dog, hot dog, hot diggity dog!" Sigh. I remember the days when Supreme Leader and I watched everything that came out. And I mean everything. When the Oscars came on, we could judge all the nomineees' performances because we'd seen them. Back when we were 'courting' I remember seeing many movies twice because we arranged a date and she suggested something I'd already seen before. Remember JFK? Remember how long that damn movie was? Like a day and a half or something. Oh yes, I was smitten.

What makes a great movie? It's not as easy a question as it may seem at first. Like wine or music, I think what makes a great movie is very personal. I could list off obvious things like a great cast, a superb script, cinematography, yadda yadda yadda. For you that may have been Titanic. Titanic for me was blah blah blah, Kate Winslett's boobies, blah blah blah, awesome ship sinking scene, blah blah, dear GOD is this over yet I have to pee so bad! Now before you write me off as a typical guns & explosions movie guy, let me state for the record that I love chick flicks. For reals. Yes, I did see Fried Green Tomatoes. When Harry Met Sally is one of my favourite movies. Four Weddings And A Funeral? So cried during John Hannah's eulogy. Love, Actually? Loved it. That said, let's not get the wrong idea here, I also believe Die Hard to be a watershed moment in film.

For me, a great film is something that stays with you, whether it's the whole film or just a moment of it. Something that you connect with whether it's laughter, tears, anger, fear or you actually learn something. And it doesn't matter whether it's good or not. Whether it's Schindler's List or Weekend at Bernie's. It's what hits you and sticks. It's knowing every song from The Sound of Music because your mother made you watch it with her every time it came on while you were growing up, and then loving it because she did and you were sharing something with her. It's enjoying the new Star Wars movies with your children despite the terrible dialogue and good God Lucas why not just let somebody else do it? It's knowing the original movies were no different but not caring because you're remembering them through the eyes of a seven year old and nothing will ever shake that wonder. It's the opening scene of Finding Nemo when Marlin is holding Nemo's egg and promising him he'll always take care of him and then the egg turns into the moon and the music swells and your chest tightens and you squeeze that child in your lap just a little tighter and kiss his head and silently promise him you'll do your best and please, oh please still love me when I don't.

What makes a great movie? Now a days, a great movie is one that's playing on a weekend my wife doesn't have to work and when the grandparents are free. What it is is irrelevant.

The second question was: Is there such a thing as "too much sex" with your spouse? How much sex is "enough?"

Too much sex? Sex? Hold on while I Google that. Sex! Right, that's how those little monkeys got here. Those two little monkeys who wander into our room without warning anytime of night or early early morning. Those two stars in my sky, those two little soul vampires. Those two little last minute wrestling, snacks, brush teeth, wash, read bedtime stories and snuggle before bed at 8pm when mommy and daddy can watch a couple hours of adult TV, talk about their day between commercials and collapse into a drooling sleep at 11 and awake at 6:30am when the youngest decides it's time to get up monkeys. Ya, I remember sex.

All kidding aside, can you really have too much sex with your spouse? I mean, if you're losing sleep and drifting off at your job, if you're getting friction sores, sure, that might be too much. Otherwise, no, there's no 'too much sex.' I think most couples' problem is too little. How much sex is enough? For the overwhelming majority of us, I'm guessing not as much as we're getting now. At least those of us with kids. Gone are the days you could have a quickie on the couch or a little 'afternoon delight.' We joke about it, but it is serious. It's an important part of your relationship that gets neglected in the day to day exhaustion of work and kids. Maybe Petra has some advice to give. Petra?

So there's my two cents worth. Hope you enjoyed it. I took some time and read a bit of the other candidates' work before I started writing, and I can honestly say I would not feel bad losing to any of them. All would make a fine He to Petra's She. Except for Gumbo, of course. The guy's a hack and I know he's done hard time for embezzlement. And Ryan. I think 'he' is actually a 13 year old girl in Jersey and his photo is just an actor because I'm pretty sure I've seen him on those late night all-male chat line commercials. Just sayin.

Kidding. If you are one of my regular readers please don't vote for me 'just because.' Make sure you read all seven posts and vote for who you think will do the best opposite Petra, even if it's not me.



Matt from DC Urban Dad


1. Shopping - yay or nay?

You just had to give me this one. Oh well, before I write what I am about to write let me go ahead turn in my dude card once and for all and damn I just got it back.....

Okay now that's done and I'm prepared for the comments (go ahead and call me Nancy, it ain't the first and not the last), let me set the record straight.....

Not all men hate to shop.

Me, I'm a closet shopper. Take me to the mall and let me peruse Pottery Barn, Restoration Hardware, JCrew, Banana Republic, Nordstroms, or Bang and Olufsen and I can stay pretty content for a few hours. You never want to see me again, drop me in Best Buy. If you want to help you pick out clothes I will do it, but remember YOU (yes you) asked (ASKED) for my advice. Oh, but don't ask me to go into Victoria's Secret - I refuse to feel like a pedophile.

And don't ask me to try shit on. That is where I draw the line.

The men that do like to shop, their idea is to get in, get out, get on with your life. We are quick decision makers - we see a shirt, we like it, we buy it. Shoes, they look comfortable, bag 'em. Sweater, great colors, will match my pants, charge it.

The fact is we don't try on. I repeat DON'T. That is what free returns are for.

2. What makes a great movie?

So what makes a great movie.....ladies ya'll gonna love this response, but it depends.

I know what you are thinking......just like a man to not really commit to an answer right?

Sorry to disappoint, but it does. Let me put it this way....movies are kinda like sex. Some times you want it nice and slow hit all the right spots, other times you ain't got the time so you just want it fast, others times you just want it hard. It's the same reason dildos come in different shapes, sizes, motions, colors, etc.

Well movies are the same way for men. A great movie depends on the mood and the participants.

Are you hanging with your guy friends? If so, men want a full on Action Flick. Shit should be blowing up every 10 to 15 minutes at the very least. Plot is not key, but it is a plus. We also don't want too much sex - a boob here and there - hell yes, but full on action - no. Ain't no need in getting wood while you are sharing popcorn with your best bud. That ain't cool.

Are you hanging by yourself in the afternoon? If so, guys will lean on a good sappy Sports movie. You sure as hell don't wanna be crying over Brian's Song or Field of Dreams while sharing Milk Duds with your chica.

Had a tough week? Men want comedy all the way - Pineapple Express, Old School, Anchorman, 40 Year Old Virgin. Something that will make you laugh and forget that you need to hit the reset button on your 401K and work till you are in your 80s. Something that does not force you to think.

Are you with your woman? Forget what Mary J says, bring on the Drama - we wanna show our serious side. That we're intellectual and can understand complex scenarios and deep relationships. It also adds for extended conversation after the movie is over.

Are you with your extended family? One simple letter will suffice "G". That's all the movie you need. Ain't nothing worse than watchn' Diane Lane take it hard from that dude in Unfaithful while you are sitting next to your Grandmother-in-law. Once again, no wood necessary.

So there you have it. What makes a great movie? It depends.


I don't know about you, but I am sitting here with my head spinning from the awesomeness that I have been exposed to for the past three days. It's hard to believe that we still have two more competitors to go. I mean, can we get any better than what we have already read? Only time will tell, for tomorrow we will be exposed to the sweet bloggy perspectives of Ron from Clark Kent's Lunchbox and Ryan from Pacing the Panic Room. Saved the best for last or too little too late?

You will decide.

Peace out.

Day 2: Crotchety and Idiot Boy Step Up to The Plate

Here we are, on Day 2 of the He Blogs, She Blogs competition and today we have two competitors who bring the he to the hizzity in the blogosphere. Yesterday Cajoh and Irish Gumbo started off the contest quite nicely with some bloggy stylings that would make my BFF Heinous proud. Let's see if Idiot Boy from Idiot's Stew and Joe, from Crotchety Old Man Yells at Cars can prove just as worthy (I have a feeling they can. Just a hunch.)


Idiot Boy from Idiot's Stew

I would like to thank the witty and adorable Petra for including me in her search for a temporary replacement for her beloved Jim. It is with great humility and the utmost respect that I contemplate stepping gingerly into his shoes, even for just a moment. I hope Petra, Jim, and you readers, find me worthy.

Oh, and for all you other hopeful daddy-bloggers who have submitted for this contest: blow me.

Question #1: Shopping: Yay or Nay?

I find “shopping” to be a slightly less pleasant activity than having my teeth scraped below the gum-line and only marginally more appealing than scooping up warm dog vomit with a slotted spoon. Still, like it or not, going out occasionally for new socks and underwear is a necessity. Even for me.

Indeed, shopping, for most hetero men, is nothing more than just another of life’s tasks that must be completed quickly and efficiently so as to minimize the misery as much as possible. This we achieve through careful planning wherein we employ organizational techniques learned on the field of sport, in the boardroom and in the war-room. To wit:

1. Set Objectives

2. Marshall Resources

3. Launch Mission

4. Execute Plan (thereby achieving objectives)

5. Celebrate Successes (retreat to nearest watering hole for flagon of ale)

And this is key: once the objectives are set and the plan is written, there shall be NO CHANGES.

Of course, any well developed plan can be derailed by an intervening force such as an earthquake, a hurricane, or a spouse (of the female gender). Countless are the times I’ve been bolting toward the cash register, items to purchase in one hand, credit card waving in the other, when I have been tripped-up at the last second by this statement emanating from my wife:

“I’m just going over here for a second; everything’s 50% off!”

And then, somehow, I find myself sitting outside the ladies’ dressing room while the Mrs. tries on a whole new wardrobe. When that happens, there’s nothing left for me but to hold her purse and know my plan, like my afternoon, is shot.

Question #2 (in 2 parts):

1. Is there such a thing as "too much sex" with your spouse?

2. How much sex is "enough?"

Uh, ladies? Is there any one of you out there that has any doubt as to a man’s perspective on these questions?

If so, you may want to spend less time in the blogosphere and more time observing the beast with whom you live. You will notice he operates on a rudimentary evolutionary level very close to that of an orangutan. Like his ape-cousin, your man’s main drivers are eating, sleeping, pooping and screwing. If he is well fed, regular and somewhat well rested, it is safe to assume the only thing on his mind is getting into your panties. Trust me. It’s the fucking truth.

Therefore, I say confidently, there is no such thing as “too much sex” with your spouse…and there is never “enough”.

Having said that, I do believe there is inappropriate timing and there are bad location choices. I know we men could do a much better job of being sensitive to our mate’s needs and of showing self-restraint and a general sense of decorum (right!). For instance, we should avoid going after the wife, or girlfriend:

• As the dinner guests are pulling into the driveway

• While she’s fixing a snack for the kids

• At her mother’s 75^th birthday party

• In court

• At 4:00 AM Sunday morning

• While the baby is crying (how do you NOT hear that?!)

• At the airport (on either side of security)

• In the frozen-foods section

• In the side yard while the neighbor aerates his lawn

• During American Idol

• While she’s breast-feeding

• At the bowling alley

• During Deborah Winger’s death-scene in “Terms of Endearment”

• On dirt

• At your office while your assistant sits just outside the door

• In the trees off the 17^th green

• While the septic-tank is being pumped

• Etc

I’m not sure I’ve answered the question(s), but I feel we’ve shared something important here today. Thanks.

Joe from Crotchety Old Man Yells at Cars

1. Shopping - yay or nay?

Shopping? First of all, men don’t shop. Nope, never. We buy. Men are the ultimate hunters, and are genetically wired to acquire goods much as our manly forefathers did. We stalk, we acquire, we go back to the man cave. Simple and efficient.

For instance, if a man were to need clothes for an important event, say an upcoming wedding, he would approach it logically and with certain resolve.

While a woman would meander for hours to buy a simple frock, a man would go to the store that sells suits, decide on a color (some shade of brown, blue, or gray) find a shirt that complements it in the same store. Possibly, he may decide to purchase a tie also, but if he is a dad, he knows that his closet is overstuffed with ties that his children have purchased and presented to him for every single holiday since they were old enough to point to the most hideous piece of material on the clearance rack at Macy’s.
Shoes? Every man already owns a pair of black or brown shoes that will go perfectly with his new suit. Total time is about 20 minutes, including picking up a coffee at Gloria Jeans.

Shopping with a woman is totally different. After hours of searching for just the right dress, then comes several hours more to find the proper shoes because none of the fifty (50) pairs she already has are quite right. As if a man even looks at the shoes a woman is wearing. We wouldn’t even notice whether or not they have feet.

2. Body Piercings - awesome adornment or disgusting turnoff?

Totally depends on quantity. An earring or two can be rather awesome. A large diamond in the ear is understated and sexy. Nose rings, combined with a tongue ring, lip rings, naughty bits rings, and 15 studs in one’s ears, kind of freaky. I would be afraid to walk anywhere near a magnet, or to be out in a storm with lightning if my woman had too many piercings.

Well, well, well, the contest is heating up! Two more grand slams and STILL four more to go! Tomorrow we will read the creative musings of The Captain himself from Us and Them and Matt from DC Urban Dad (thankfully his groin pull is doing much better).

Pass the popcorn and pump the keg. This is gettin' good...