"Mommies Always Scream Into Pillows When They Are Happy"

This? Hilarious. Not 100% accurate cause, you know, we aren't all married to a-holes and some of us actually have our degree and work or work from home. But it still strikes a chord, you must admit. Watch and laugh, if you are a haggard, tired, real-life mom with a sense of humor.



If you are one of those perfect moms who always has time to shower and do her hair and makeup and never loses her patience, wishes she could hide in her bedroom during the day, or has a drink during the week because her kids have driven her to the breaking point, then, well - fuck you.

Yeah, I said it. And you shouldn't care, cause obviously your life is way better than mine. You can laugh all the way to your mani/pedi appointment.

Here Comes Crash-Boom Betty!

Has everyone seen the movie Whip It with Ellen Page and Drew Barrymore? Totally awesome. So awesome, in fact, that it has consumed my thoughts in the past 24 hours and I can't think of anything other than the incredibly awesome sport that it portrays. That sport?

ROLLER DERBY.

Hot chicks on old school quad skates kicking ass with creative personas and sick costumes? Where do I sign up? I mean, seriously, I spent many a Saturday night at Roll-Land with my friends showing off my moves and the idea of strapping on some skates again and shredding up the rink is more than a little appealing. I even started thinking up possible roller derby names. Here is the list of the ones I came up with:

1. Mommy Fearless
2. Ms. Behavin'
3. Ma Viscious
4. Bad Mama Jammer
5. Crash-Boom Betty

As you can see from the title of this post, I went with # 5, first of all because my family nickname is "Crash" and one of my nicknames from an old friend was "Betty," plus it was the only one that wasn't too close to an existing name in the International Rollergirls Master Roster so it would probably be accepted should I actually go through with this hairbrained idea I've got in my head. I know I am a strong enough skater. I have the personality and the drive. But one very, VERY important question remains:

Am I tough enough?



Am I going through a third life crisis? Or finally allowing my true self to emerge from this cocoon of motherhood I have been living in for the past 10 years? I'm not really sure. But I like it.

And I like the new pink streaks in my hair too.

Rock and ROLL.

Have You Talked To YOUR Angels Lately?

Today I have good things to say, so I am going to share them with you. You're welcome for making your day THAT much better. I love sharing my joy with others, what can I say?

Ok, so first of all, after eight long weeks of bullshit, and a week of stressful waiting after an adjudication period over my unemployment, I finally got my benefits deposited into my bank account this morning.

Hallelujah, praise the Lord. I seriously cried this morning when I saw that nice, pretty high balance in my account. Granted, it will be gone very, very soon, but this is a nice, big positive step forward that was much, MUCH needed.

I also wanted to tell you about an experience I had over the weekend that was pretty rad. I had an Angel Card reading done by my incredibly awesome friend's friend over the phone. I had never had one done, and am not super duper into stuff like that, but pride myself on being very open to everything in the universe. If you don't know what an Angel Card reading is, the premise is that we all have guardian angels watching over us and guiding us, and the cards simply point us in the right direction or open our eyes to the important things our angels want us to know. They don't tell you the future, and they never tell you anything bad. It's all about supporting you and guiding you in your life and your decisions. Apparently, many of us are resistant to the support and help that our angels are offering, and I am one of those people, because all of my cards were upside down. I guess I like to do things my own way, who knew? Well, everyone knew that. Shut up, I know. Whatever.

So first she relaxes you and tells you to ask your guardian angels for guidance. You close your eyes and breathe in and out and picture yourself surrounded by them. It's really very calming and lovely. During this time, she is shuffling the deck, and whatever cards fall out are the cards your angels want you to see. These were mine:

Card # 1 - Represents where I have been the past 3 weeks to 3 months. This card was Angel Isaiah and it was upside down, which means that I have been resistant to his assistance.

"It's a good time to give birth to new ideas and situations in your life. I am watching over you, guiding you, and protecting you during these changes."

Additional Message: "You are ripe with new possibilities, and you feel an urgency to push into new territory. Beloved one, your new and exciting life changes are inevitable. There is no turning back! Instead of playing it safe, you decided to move forward. That is why I am with you right now, giving you the extra courage and comfort that you need."

"However, there is no need to rush. This is a time of incubation, where nature can allow everything to grow in its innate rhythm. Be assured that your life change will hatch at just the right moment! In the meantime, know that God and the angels are watching over you. You are safe and very loved. Congratulations on the birth of this new period of your life!"



Card # 2 - Represents where I am right now. This card was Angel Astara, also upside down.

"You deserve the best! Reach for the stars with your dreams and desires, and don't compromise."

Additional Message: "In the past, you have settled for less than you wanted. But no more. I am here to raise your standards. I am also here to show you that you need not suffer in any way. It isn't selfish to desire a better life. The more that you receive, the more you are able to give to others. When you allow us to give to you, you're also supplied with all of the necessary tools for your life's purpose. You also inspire others when you show that the spiritual path gives you all of the support you could ever need."

"God and the angels want you to enjoy your life. Happiness is a holy part of your Divine mission. Whatever we can do to bring joy and peace into your life, please ask. We have noticed a reluctance on your part to ask for help. Perhaps you have felt that you didn't deserve good, or that you would be taking away from someone else if you received our help. Yet God only knows abundance, and humans are the only ones who believe in scarcity. This card is a reminder that God and the angels can only intervene if you request our help."



Card # 3 - Represents where I should be in the next 3 months. This card was Angel Daniel, the angel of marriage. Also upside down.

"I am the Angel of Marriage, and I am assisting you right now."

Additional Message: "You have called upon God to help in the area of marriage, and He sent me to your side. I am here to help you with a fulfilling marriage. God and I desire to answer your prayer without delay. The first area that I am helping you with is healing any past wounds related to marriage. In quiet moments, I ask that you be willing to release to me any pain associated with your parents. I ask that you breathe out any negative feelings that you may have about marriage, which stem from your childhood experiences."

"Next, I put my hand upon your heart and ask you to breathe in and out deeply. I now ask that you be willing to release old pain or anger toward your first love. As you release these toxins from your heart, I next ask you to exhale old pain toward all of your past lovers. Allow me to clear your heart of old wounds so that you can enjoy a happy marriage rooted in the present. We must release the past to avoid replicating old, painful experiences. I am here to free your heart so that it can fully love . . . within a blissful marriage."



Then there were some extra cards that fell out that said stuff about me needing to take better care of myself, to take more time for me and treat myself, and to relax more. To that, I say "here here!" Also, I got a card that said I have a unique connection with animals and that all my pets in heaven are watching over me and being guardian angels, which makes me feel pretty good.

Then after the reading, the woman told my friend that she kept having this feeling like she needed to tell me to write about my experience with the reading. So here I am, writing about it. I am obedient, if nothing else.

I really felt like the reading was pertinent to my life right now and it did help me look inward to examine the recent things that have happened. As you all know, it has not been the easiest time lately. But I do feel a shift is coming. And perhaps I do need to let people help me, and reach out to some spiritual guidance as well. It can't hurt, right? I have already begun to expand my support system by reconnecting with old friends, and have been trying to do more fun things I enjoy, such as listen to music, sing and dance, so I will continue with that. I believe things such as those can only enrich your life and make you stronger and better equipped to deal with the blows that life sends your way.

So 2010 was a slow starter, but I think it's finally gotten the memo and might be kicking it into gear. Me and my angels are gonna kick some ass and take some names.

You know, in a highly spiritual way.

Insert Funny Post Here

So this is the place where I am supposed to write funny/insightful/goofy things for you to read, right? Yeah, sorry about that. I had to blow the dust off when I got here, so I guess it's been a while. But, you know, there's shit. And then some more shit piles on top of that. And then that shit takes a big shit on your head.

Ew, that's gross. Sorry.

It's life. Life has been kicking my ass lately. I find that I have nothing to write about. Well, nothing good anyway. And nobody really wants to read doom and gloom. So bear with me people, and I will work on getting all happy for ya (or at least find a funny angle for my misery) to bring you some shits and giggles soon.

In the meantime, watch this hilariously funny first wedding dance video:

Go Elf Yourself!

One thing about being unemployed, you find yourself with quite a bit of free time on your hands. And rather than spend that time doing constructive things such as clean, write, look for jobs, or even blog, I find myself doing stuff such as "elfing" my entire family for mine and my daughter's absolute and complete enjoyment. That is what I did yesterday afternoon. And it did, indeed, keep us entertained for the ENTIRE afternoon because, surprisingly, it didn't get old and we spent about two hours watching them over and over and laughing HYSTERICALLY.

So here they are now, for your viewing pleasure. Starring me, my daughter, my son, my husband and a very special guest star whom my daughter would not let me leave out of the fun. There will be a very special Christmas prize for the first person who knows the name of that young, handsome bonus elf. (FADKOG, calling FADKOG!!!!!)

Enjoy!!

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

I Am Not That Funny And I Can't Save You Money On Insurance But I Can Kick You In The Nuts

Like my self-esteem is not low enough. My celebrity look-alikes can't be anyone stunningly beautiful and gracious. No, not me. I get told I look like the most obscure, goofy, dorky people in the public eye.

I cut my bangs, proof of which can be found in my new picture over there in yonder right sidebar. Also, I had to upgrade my eyeglass prescription AGAIN because I am slowly going blind and my contact lenses are scratching the corneas out of my eyeballs, so I used my computer glasses frames to get a new RX so that I could use the old frames and RX for computer use because my eyes are SO bad and my prescription is SO strong that when sitting in front of the computer, the prescription actually burns my eyeballs and deteriorates them even faster, according to the eye doctor. Yeah, I am a genetic winner apparently. But that's not the point. The point is that with my new bangs and glasses, apparently the dude with chin pubes and a receding hairline at Blockbuster thinks I look JUST LIKE the nerdy comedian girl from the Adam Sandler movie Funny People. Uh, thanks?

This is her:In the movie, they refer to her as "mousy" yet "sexy" like a "mouse you want to stick your dick in." Are you trying to tell me something Blockbuster man? Ew. Just...ew.

Now, that's not the worst of it. The other person that people like to tell me that I look like (including my dear, dear husband) is FLO from the Progressive Insurance Commercials.

Seriously? I don't think I look ANYTHING like her. And she is a total spaz. I'm not a spaz, am I? Am I? Wait, don't answer that. Moving right along...

I just wouldn't mind someone pulling me aside at the grocery store and saying "Wow, you look just like "insert gorgeous, glamorous celebrity here" instead of "that nerdy chick from that movie" or "that hyper lady from that commercial." Is that too much to ask? Really?

I guess I need to start wearing my evening gown out to the grocery store from now on...so who do people tell YOU you look like?

Dear Children, Santa is Not Recession-Proof

I had the dreaded conversation with my 9-year-old yesterday about how this Christmas might be a little "different" than past years. Different meaning instead of a Christmas tree with gifts bursting with gifts from underneath it, he would probably be able to count his gifts on one hand. Now, of course, I didn't say that to him but that is the ultimate reality of the situation. Whereas every other year this child has spent HOURS on Christmas morning ripping open presents with wild abandon, this years it's going to be a reindeer of a different color. And I wanted him to be prepared. But how much (and how in the world without breaking his Christmas spirit) do you explain to a 9-year-old about unemployment, insufficient funds and the reality that there is an unfortunate lack of cute little elves in America to make gifts to place under the tree?

(Luckily my 3-year-old asked for a hula hoop for Christmas, then said she changed her mind and said she wanted a chair for her bedroom, and when I told her she could have both, she said "It's a Christmas miracle!!!!" so I am not worried about that one.)

So this is what I decided. He knows I lost my job. So I said to him that, since I lost my job, this Christmas was going to be a little on the "light side" since we needed our money for the important things like food and our house, etc., etc. Of course he would still get gifts, but he was probably not going to get the amount of gifts he has gotten in the past. I followed that up with Christmas isn't about the presents, it's about being with your family, and enjoying time together and loving each other, and we are so very lucky because we have each other and our health and somewhere to live and food to eat. His immediate reaction, which I knew would be the case, was "But there will still be lots of gifts from Santa."

So I said "But things are tough for Santa too this year honey."

Why not? Why the hell not? I mean, I know that Santa is magical and everything, but really, how much magic is there to go around? There has to be a shortage eventually and couldn't there be a magical recession? Maybe the elves aren't happy with their benefits or want better hours, and can't quite keep up with toy production. Looking at it logically, even Santa can't escape some ups and downs. So yes, I went there. I pulled that card--the very last one in the deck, and I am OK with it.

Because this is probably one of the last years that he is going to believe in Santa Claus. And God forbid there are only four gifts under that tree and he gives me that look that says "Now I know. You have been lying to me all these years. And you didn't even have the balls to tell me the truth. Pussy." I'm just not ready for that yet. He deserves to believe for a little while longer. So this year I will do my best to give him whatever we can, and we will say it is from Santa and that he did his best but times are tough up in the North Pole. And instead of hundreds of gifts, he will get the other stuff he always gets on Christmas in tenfold. His family. Lots of hugs and kisses. And magic. Lots and lots of magic. In the form of those cookies being eaten and the milk being drank and the reindeer prints on the fireplace hearth.

And I swear if any of his friends tell him that Santa is recession-proof I am going to their house and smashing their XBox into a million little pieces.

I Totally Suck at Life

Yes, you read that correctly. Lately, I suck at life. How can you possibly suck at life, you may be asking. Especially since that is the one and only reason we were created--to LIVE--so how could someone suck at their primary instinct? I don't know, all I know is that I do. HARD.

I can't write for shit. I am working all the time and still not getting all my work done. The house is a mess, the kids don't get enough attention, and I haven't cooked dinner in a week. To top it all off, I got sick AGAIN (after just having a bad cold about three weeks ago) so apparently my immune system is malfunctioning, which is further proof that I SUCK AT LIFE.

I can't think straight or remember anything. I feel like I am putting in 110% of my energy and only accomplishing about 50% of what needs to be done. I am irritable, unhappy and completely unmotivated.

I know, you didn't realize this was going to be such an inspiring, uplifting post, did you?

So basically, I just want to apologize to everyone for not posting, not reading blogs and commenting and not interacting much on Twitter. I'm not really sure how to remedy this predicament, but I have an inkling it may require large doses of psychotropic drugs and possibly a lobotomy.

If I am not drooling and staring into space in a vegetative state by next week, I will let you all know how it is progressing. In the meantime, Happy Halloween. Any guess what my costume is?

Yes, you guessed it, a ZOMBIE MOM. I think it's quite fitting really.

Jonas Brothers, How Do We Love Thee?

Thousands of screaming pre-pubescent girls filled Mohegan Sun Arena waiting for the magical moment when the objects of their obsession would take the stage and serenade them with songs of teen angst, love and rock and roll.

There we were. Right in the middle of all of it.

And it. Was. Awesome.

The day started with my dear, little angel waking up at 6 a.m. As I entered her bedroom, she shot up out of bed and cried "IT'S JONAS BROTHERS DAY!!!!!'

Indeed, in fact, it was. But we weren't leaving for another five hours...

We spent the morning counting down the minutes until it was time to get ready.

Here she is right before we left:

Her tee-shirt says "Biggest Little Jonas Brothers Fan" and yes, her super crafty, uber devoted mother made it for her (THAT'S ME). I even ironed on the sequined guitar and silver stars on the back. I RULE.


Here she is practicing her "I am so cute you can't stand it" face.

This is her "Enough pictures Mom, let's GO" face.

So off we went. Here she is in the car on the way. The excitement was mounting:

And after about an hour and 50 minutes, we made it there. Little did I know that not only would she be the biggest little Jonas Brothers fan, but did you know that teenage girls LOVE 3-year-old little girls? Yeah, I felt like we were with the band or something, the way they all gushed over her and how cute she was. People stopped just to talk to us and one nice mom with her daughter offered to take our picture. Here it is:

Then we waited outside the arena in a sea of young girls, and my little social butterfly made friends with even MORE people. Here she is outside, waiting to go in:

There was a lot of squealing and bouncing. And it was hot because we were squeezed in like sardines. This was not my favorite part of the day.

But then it was time to go in. So we made our way through the doors and found our seats. Here we are sitting in Section 21, Row U, seats 13 and 14:

She had her glow stick and she was ready to rock. Here is the view of the stage from our seats:

The opening act was The Wonder Girls. And let me tell you, there was nothing wonderful about them. They sucked big time. But then it was time for the JoBros. The excitement in the air was palpable and Baby Girl just kept saying "it's Jonas Brothers time, isn't it?" while bouncing up and down in her seat. I might have been just a little bit excited too. I didn't bounce though. Really. OK, maybe a little...

The show began. The boys were adorable. The music was great, and the energy from the thousands of screaming girls made me feel young again. But watching my daughter dance her little heart out was the best part. And when she screamed at me "Get up and DANCE Mommy!!!" I got up and danced with her. It was just pure, unadulterated joy. Here she is rocking out:

The show was actually pretty short, so about an hour and a half later, we were filing out of the arena and battling the crowds again. But the fun didn't stop there. We didn't get to meet the Jonas Brothers, but there was this in the lobby that you would have thought was the Jonas Brothers themselves when my daughter caught sight of it:

How can you go wrong with a day of screaming girls, an incredibly good looking and talented boy band show AND an animatronic wolf on the top of a huge rock waterfall?

It doesn't get any better than that folks.

And she is already asking when we get to go again.

Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire

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Not Even Close To Wordless Wednesday: Good News/Bad News

OK, so we will start with some good news. My daughter started dance class on Monday and she LOVES it. Here she is showing off some of her sweet moves:

But now we move on to some bad news. My debit card got hacked and some loser scumbag asshat charged about $250 worth of Boos Mobile minutes and Asian food using it. Thankfully, I found the first charge last Friday night and called immediately so it could have been much worse. Also, thankfully, I did not have much money in there so they couldn't make any big purchases. One of the only times when being broke is a good thing. But what really sucked was that I was planning on buying some Jonas Brothers tickets for me and my daughter, and since it was going to take seven days to get my money back and the concert is this weekend, I was pretty sure that dream was down the toilet. HOWEVER, a little angel who restored my faith in humanity made it possible. So, yes, the next piece of good news is...

My little girl and I are taking a girls road trip and going to The Jonas Brothers this weekend!!!!!!!!!

We are just a little bit excited. And by just a little bit, I mean that she has woken up every morning this week asking if it's time to go see The Jonas Brothers. And I might be putting quite a bit of thought into what to wear and how to do my hair so I don't look like an old, desperate cougar amongst all the screaming tween girls. But no matter what, we are going to have a blast, because they really do put on an awesome show and live music is always AWESOME.

Ok, now for some more bad news. Yesterday I started getting sick. So I have been pumping myself full of fluids, taking Vitamin C and Zinc and hubby came home and made me chicken soup last night. So I am working very hard on getting better by Saturday so I am able to fully enjoy the Jonas Brothers experience.

Good news! The Sex and The Suburbs blog is going to launch next week! I know, I know, you just can't contain yourselves! So Monday, I will be posting a link to the very first Sex and The Suburbs post at its new home, and I expect all of you to come, read, comment and get in on the discussions. I really need you. And you. Yes, you too. Don't try to hide over there in the corner, I see you. And I need you too.

So, I will end on that positive note, instead of the other piece of bad news I have cause it's really not THAT bad and I am all about looking on the bright side. Heh.

Happy Wednesday!

Sexting, The Jonas Brothers and a New Pair of Uggs

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Beyonce, Eat Your Heart Out...

I have to post this because I am just amazed at the pure, raw talent that my daughter possesses already at 3 years old. But I would like to preface this by saying that it was HER idea (even the leotard and the patent leather shoes) and I am NOT going to be a stage mom.

With that being said, enjoy! May it bring a smile to your face on this Monday!

Happy Birthday To Me

Today I am 30.

I started out like this:


I wish I looked like this:


But I actually look like this:


And that's OK, because I have this:

Not bad for 30 years, if I say so myself.

There is a God, and He Created Slimwear

How have I not realized that there is a product out there that could have completely changed my life three years ago? How could I have not been schooled in the true miracle that is slimming shapewear? For realz ladies, my life will never be the same, and it is all because of these:


Why there is not a mandatory class on slimming foundational garments for all women over the age of 18, I will never understand. I am reeling at all the form-fitting dresses and awesome jeans that I could have worn all these years, with nary a bulge or muffin top. They are comfortable, completely discreet and come in a variety of colors and styles to compliment any wardrobe and make you look smokingly slim and firm.

I am in love.

And all because while lamenting over the muffin toppiness, I decided to try using my belly band from when I was pregnant to see if it sucked things in enough to smooth out the bumps. And it did. And that got me thinking...maybe there is a garment made specifically for this purpose NOT for pregnant women, but just for us chubby mommies who need a little sucking and tucking in. I knew that there were corsets and other torturous equipment out there, and I had even heard of Spanx, but strangley thought Spanx were something completely different from what they actually are...don't ask. But I really didn't know that there are DOZENS of companies that make these camisols and body shaping thingies that don't suffocate you nor make you look like an old lady.

Oh, how naive and ignorant I have been.

The best part? They are not that expensive! But, honestly, I would pay through the nose for anything that made me look thinner. Seriously, these things take off at least 10 pounds and smooth everything out.

I am wearing one every day. I am wearing one to bed (although I am interested to see what happens the first time hubby tries to undress me while I am wearing one, cause really, they are kinda like sausage casings and I have to pull out my best contortionist impression when donning it and removing it myself...). But it's a small price to pay for banishing my muffin top.

So ladies, if you haven't checked out these miracle garments, please do. You will thank me for it when you are strutting around town in your skinny jeans with confidence.

By the way, nobody is paying me to endorse this product in any way shape or form, I just felt I needed to share this new discovery with all the other moms or muffin-topped ladies like me out there. How about you, what is your beauty secret you just can't live without?

I am reeling about all the things that could be out there that I don't know about.

A product that removes cellulite and simultaneously charges your ipod perhaps? A cell phone that prevents wrinkles? Come on ladies, don't hold back on me--DISH!

Not Very Wordless Wednesday: Third Grade, Here He Comes--Hold Your Nose!

I wasn't allowed to take pictures of him at the end of the driveway.

He insisted on picking out his first day of school outfit, complete with skulls on the front of the shirt AND the back pocket of the jeans.

The other day he had actual REAL manly B.O.

I almost cried as he walked off to the third grade today.

But then I reminded myself that he still needed me to tuck him in at night...even with stinky armpits.

Check back tomorrow after I drop this one off at her first day of preschool:

It's going to be an entirely different story.

Puppies Are Cute And They Don't Make Your Ass Any Bigger

Yesterday two momentous things happened in one day that made me want to laugh and cry simultaneously. First, my daughter and I visited the preschool where she will be going two times a week for four hours come September. And second, my 3-year-old aquatic prodigy started swimming all on her own, without the aid of any kind of flotation device.

I am thinking that this means one of two things:

1. We need to have another baby because my baby is growing up too fast.

2. It's time to close up the uterus, get the two kids jobs and start planning for retirement.

Most likely scenario # 1 is going to win out since I am only (almost) 30, and I don't think I am ready to give up on dreams of another tiny, snuggly little poop machine. We're not ready for it right at this moment, but I think it is only a matter of time before I will start feeling phantom
baby kicks and the urge to have a baby take up residence again as I watch my first baby start to look at colleges and consider a career in medicine. Seriously, have I told you how smart she is? It's a little scary. I am expecting her to start preschool and come home reading and writing poetry and prose on the second day and then she won't need me for anything anymore.

First she wipes her own ass. Then she's writing dissertations. It's inevitable.

But, all joking aside, I am so incredibly proud of my little girl and all her achievements. I just wish it would slow down just a little bit.

Yesterday my 9-year-old stepson occupied himself by putting tiny water balloons in my 3-year-old's bathing suit to make her look like a little, miniature Pamela Anderson and I just about had a heart attack. She pranced around, swinging her hips and embracing her newfound curves, and I knew I was in so much trouble. Then he put them in the butt of her suit and you know what she said? "Look, I have a momma butt!"

Cute. Heh.

So I figure since I can't do anything to stop this growing up thing, the best I can do is enjoy all these new accomplishments with her, and consider having another baby to prolong the death of babyhood in the family. But then I look at my "momma butt" and I have second thoughts.

Maybe we should just get a puppy...

A Piece Of Advice

So, say your 3-year-old is kind enough to sleep nice and late one morning so you get some peaceful, relaxing quiet time all to yourself. And let's just imagine that your 9-year-old also sleeps late. Then, hypothetically speaking, you write about said children sleeping late and how absolutely divine it is and everyone is jealous and they tell you how lucky you are.

Well, don't get too excited, because you may have just jinxed yourself and that night the 3-year-old might just decide to cry ALL NIGHT LONG and then wake up at 5 a.m. ready and raring to go, and you might cry because you are so tired and kick yourself for bragging about how your kids were sleeping late because now the sleep gods are totally FUCKING WITH YOU.

Hypothetically speaking, of course.

Harsh Reality (Warning: Brutally Honest and Raw)

I have had to come to terms with a harsh reality as of late:

I can't do everything.

It sucks. It really does. I mean, I know that is the nature of a "harsh reality" by definition, but I really have a hard time wrapping my brain around the fact that I am not Alpha Mom, and I never will be.

Since finally becoming a paid writer, it has become glaringly obvious that people were not meant to work full time from home with children unless they have a nanny. I mean, seriously people, I have a hard enough time taking care of myself, the children, my husband, the house, and the dog, and then throwing on top of that a blog, two regular writing gigs, writing a book, and a part time editing job just basically makes me a flighty, chicken with her head cut off mess. I would like to say that I am putting my husband and children first all the time, but unfortunately I am not (most of the time, yes, but not all the time). And I am forgetting things, letting things go that I shouldn't, and definitely not showering as often as I should.

But the conundrum is: what do I let go of? We can't afford for me to quit any of my jobs, and I love what I am doing. Writing this book could be a huge turning point for our family, so I don't want to abandon that project. And I love my blog and all my readers and would never want to stop posting here. I have already cut back my showering as much as is hygienically practical, and I haven't been working out at all because I literally do not have the time. The only thing that I could do is stop my one hobby that I do to decompress and relax, and that is reading. But then, what am I left with for me?

Do I accept that at this point in my life there just is no place for "me" time? Do I suck it up and realize it is a sacrifice for my career and the well-being of my family? I don't know the answer to this question, and I am not asking for you all to solve it for me. I just need to send this problem out into the universe, with the hopes that it will knock something loose in my head to enlighten me.

Don't get me wrong, I am THRILLED with my professional success, and I love being at home with my kids; I wouldn't give it up for the world. But at what point do I realize that I am spread just a little too thin? God forbid, something really suffered because of it, and I would never be able to forgive myself. And I hate that my daughter, at 3 years old, doesn't understand that I don't want to have to say no when she asks me to play with her sometimes. I have been trying to get the kids out to do activities and fun things, but that just means that when I am at home, I have to basically be chained to my laptop.

Advice is welcome, but please no attacks on me being a terrible mother who needs to quit her jobs and spend more time with her children. This is a very honest post, very close to my heart, and I would appreciate some respect for the fact that this is the life that I chose, to work and be with my kids. And no, it isn't perfect, and no, I can't devote myself to them 100% of the time 100% of the day. But I am doing my best. And that's all I know how to do.

Letter To My Son's Friends

Dear 8 and 9-Year-Old Boys Who Came To My Son's Sleepover Party Saturday Night,

Thank you for making me realize that my son may not be the worst behaved kid everywhere we go, and for making me appreciate the silence and lack of complete chaos and fear of setting anything on fire after you left. Please remind me if I ever offer to have a sleepover ever again that you are all absolutely out of control, inappropriate, rude, disgusting, and obnoxious, and either urge me to rescind the invitation or invest in ear plugs, a large amount of Xanax and sleeping pills.

Oh yeah, and thanks for coming.

Sincerely,
Big Boy's Mom (you know, the woman with glasses that you paid absolutely no attention to on Saturday night)

P.S. This does not apply to you, Sam, the well-behaved boy who was mild-mannered, polite and sweet and made me and my husband laugh, as well as knew a lot about baseball and made us want to adopt you. You, we would like to see again. We're willing to sweeten up the deal if you would spend more time with our son and rub off on him a bit. Thanks a bunch.