Thursday, May 28, 2009

He Blogs, She Blogs: The Mall Edition

Hey everyone, head over to He Blogs, She Blogs for mine and the Captain's viewpoint on shopping. Please forgive me for the lack of spaces in my post but Blogger is being an asshole and I somehow can't fix it. My post sucks anyway, so you have my permission to skip mine and just pretend that you read it.

You're welcome.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Not Even Close to Wordless Wednesday: A Pirate's Life For Me--AARRRGGGGHHH **UPDATED**

Leave it to me to have some of the best news of my life come along during one of the worst medical periods of my existence. I find out I have a weekly paid column in which I will be able to gather research and publicize my book, alongside finding out I have mono and then find out I am getting a raise for said job the day before I realize the reason I can't see out of my right eye is that I have a corneal abrasion along with a good old dash of edema on my eye, which makes me have to close my right eye to be able to see anything and it hurts, burns and weeps all day long.

I seriously considered buying an eye patch to save myself all the squinting, but abandoned that idea when I realized that I really don't need any help making myself look like a complete doofus. But I still can't resist the urge to mutter "argh" at regular intervals throughout the day.

The good news is that I got new glasses that are cute and comfy. The bad news is that I still can't see. But here they are:

Oh yeah, there is more good news. My weekly column, Sex and The Suburbs, over at SexIs Magazine is set to launch next Wednesday, June 3rd! Then you will be able to check out my sexy mommy musings every Wednesday after that! And look at the purty graphic that my graphic designer maiven, Mel "Mommy Doodles" Amorim made for it (picture courtesy of Sara LeeAnn Benevedes from The Bunny Cage):

Isn't it totally HOT? It sure makes me want to get it on in the suburbs. I am hoping that people think that is my ass in the photo, but in reality it is Sara's. This photo is from a series she has done called F*ck Being a Housewife and it is INCREDIBLE. You can check out her photography at her Etsy Store. She is my hero--so hot and talented.

So that's it. I guess you got a little bit of Wordless Wednesday mixed with a dash of Random Tuesday all jumbled up with my regular rants and raves. Maybe one of these days I will have the time and lucidity to write you a real post with clear, concise thoughts and an actual point. But for now, "you get what you get and you don't get upset."

Be sure to check out He Blogs, She Blogs tomorrow where we tackle the hard hitting issue of shopping. Should be fun. Better than pirate rants, at least.


I was just notified that my first article on SexIs Magazine is up today!! It is called Eroticism and The Executive Branch: The Sex Lives of The Presidents. I hope you will go read it and I REALLY hope you like it!

Sunday, May 24, 2009

9 Years Ago Today...

My stepson pushed his way into this world.

A year later he pushed himself into my world, and it has never been the same.

Happy birthday Big Boy. Thank you for changing my life.


Friday, May 22, 2009

Out of the Mouth of My 3-Year-Old...

This week has been a doozie for my 3-year-old daughter's little attitude, which seems to be heading in a scary direction, so I decided to make note of all the funny and/or obnoxious things she said this week. See that little face over at the left? Picture that face saying these things. Read them and then say a prayer for me please.

#1. "Where are my bunny ears? I am a bunny of the night." Hopefully this isn't an early career choice...

# 2. "I'm not going to sleep tonight Mommy. I am going to stand up in my bed all night long." Thankfully, she didn't.

#3. "I'm naked and here I come!" While I was in the shower and she decided she wanted to join me.

#4. "No, YOU calm down Mommy. I am fine." Which, of course, infuriated me.

#5. "Mommy needs a time out." Which I definitely did, I am sure. But I don't get such luxuries. Can I have a time out please?

#6. "
Look at my boobies, they are getting bigger!" Um, WHAT?

#7. "Mommy, you don't want to work right now. Your computer looks tired." No, it's Mommy who looks tired, dear.

#8. "Brandon, you're a genius!" After he showed her how she could put her inflatable chair on top of the couch and slide off onto the floor. Just great.

#9. "I don't want Daddy to go to work. Mommy is cranky." So true, so true.

And finally:

#10. "I don't want to be a good girl. I am a bad girl!"

So you see why I need the prayers now? Yeah, keep 'em comin' please. Thanks a bunch.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Late Again: It's He Blogs, She Blogs Day!

Sorry I am late again. It seems my brain can't handle all the things it is supposed to be paying attention to lately and I keep messing up. Anywho, there's a post over at He Blogs, She Blogs about the kitchen, so go check it out and leave a comment. Remember, we are looking for suggestions for topics, so make some!

And have a very nice day.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

(Not So) Wordless Wednesday: The Carrie Bradshaw of the Suburbs?

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Friday, May 15, 2009

Calling all Suburban Moms!

Are you a soccer mom who has sex? Or are you a PTA mom who doesn't have sex anymore but wishes she did? Are you a mom who has been loving sex since you lost your virginity in the backseat of your boyfriend's car in high school or a mom who lost her virginity on her wedding night? Are you a mom who wants to share your sex life for the benefit of other moms?

If you answered yes to any of the above questions, then I want you!

"Want" meaning I would love for you to participate in a book I am writing about Suburban moms and their sex lives called Sex and The Suburbs: The Secret Sex Lives of Soccer Moms. I am compiling the deep, dark, dirty (and not so dirty) secrets of soccer moms to put together a piece that shows just how diverse us suburban, mini van driving moms can be behind closed doors. The whole point of the book is not only to provide for provocative, interesting reading, but to prove wrong the belief that sex has to end after kids and marriage, and if you are struggling with it, you are not alone. Maybe the mom next door loves bondage, but thinks she is the only one. Maybe that mother sitting next to you at basketball practice is ashamed because she has no sex drive after four kids and 20 years of marriage. Or perhaps the day care provider down the street has only had sex with her husband and now has fantasies about all the sex with other men she has missed out on. Whatever the case, we all have our issues and stories to tell, and most likely whatever you are going through is not unique. I want to tell the stories and explore the issues, in hopes of helping moms come to terms with their sex lives, good, bad or ugly.

Be advised, if you agree to participate, it will be COMPLETELY anonymous and I will never share your information with anyone. You can even send it to me anonymously if you would like. Simply cut and paste the questions below into an e-mail and send it to me with a brief description of what kind of mom you are, such as married or single, gay or straight, how many kids, working or stay at home mom, what part of the country in general you live in, etc. If I use your information, I will either use no name at all or I will use a fake name nowhere near your real name (if you provide it to me). And your information will be guarded with my life and all identifying information will be blacked out in my files.

So come on ladies, you know you want to dish! Help a sista out and fill out the information below (whatever is pertinent to you and you feel comfortable answering) and send it to me at If the book gets published, I promise to provide each of you with a signed copy and a small stipend. And if that isn't enough, you will know that you are helping to change a whole generation's (and maybe generations to come) attitude and view of sex after kids, marriage and life. So grab a martini or a glass of wine and have fun answering!

  1. How do you feel your sex life has changed (if at all) since you had kids, got married, etc.?

  1. Do you have as much sex now that you have children as before? If you are married, do you have as much sex as before you got married?

  1. How often do you have sex?

  1. What is the kinkiest sex you have ever had?

  1. Have you ever had sex with someone of the same sex?

  1. Have you ever had a threesome or group sex? (if so, give a brief explanation)

  1. Do you consider yourself gay or bisexual?

  1. Have you and your partner ever tried swinging?

  1. Do you have an “open” relationship with your spouse (are you each allowed to have sexual relations with others outside the marriage)?

  1. How often do you have sex?

  1. Are you satisfied with your sex life, and if not, why?

  1. What would you change about your sex life if you could?

  1. What is the most interesting, kinkiest, etc. sex you and your partner have had? How often do you experiment with new things in the bedroom?

  1. What is your favorite kind of sex with your partner(s)?

  1. Do you or your partner watch pornography?

  1. If your spouse/partner looks at pornography, how do you feel about it?

  1. Would you ever tape you and your partner having sex?

  1. Have you ever role played, dressed in costumes, etc.?

  1. Have you ever used bondage or been dominant/submissive with your partner?

  1. Do you use sex toys, and if so, what do you use?

  1. Do you feel differently about your body since having children, and if so, how?

  1. How do you feel about sex after having children?

  1. Do you feel as comfortable with your body and sexy as you did before having children?

  1. What is your biggest insecurity involving your body, sex, etc?

  1. Do you think it is possible for parents to have as fulfilling and exciting a sex life as before children, marriage, etc.?

  2. Are you embarrassed or ashamed at anything you have done sexually?

  1. Do you worry what people might think of they knew what you did behind closed doors?

  1. Do you think your husband/partner is satisfied with your sex life?

  1. How do you think you could improve your sex life?

  1. Name one thing you have always wanted to try sexually.

Thanks ladies!

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Go Forth and Read: He Blogs, She Blogs

OK people, it's the day you have all been waiting for. There is a fly little post waiting for you over at the brand new He Blogs, She Blogs blog so head over there NOW, read what Captain Dumbass and I had to say and leave a comment!

Seriously, leave a comment because the Captain's self-esteem has been seriously dwindling lately and I just can't afford the increase in therapy bills.

And don't forget to tell us what topic you want us to discuss in the future. With the new format, we need hard-hitting issues to fill a whole post so don't be shy. From bestiality to transgender pregnancy, nothing is off limits!! Well, maybe bestiality.

So go forth, read and be merry. I am going to go have a glass of champagne to celebrate, which also makes the comments much more fun to read. Seriously, try it. You'll thank me for it.


Wednesday, May 13, 2009

(Almost) Wordless Wednesday: My Beautiful Baby Girl

Not such a baby anymore...

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

The Battle of The Bulge, Part 357

If you have been reading my blog for a while, you will be well aware of my battle with the scale, specifically the fact that I can't seem to lose this pesky 40 LB's of unsightly adipose that makes me look like the Pillsbury Dough Mommy. I have tried almost everything, but with my insulin resistance and PCOS, I have finally realized that the only way for me to lose this weight is to go (insert dramatic music here) LOW CARB FOR LIFE.

How depressing is that? Seriously, what kind of life is one in which you can't have big bowls of pasta and steaming hot french bread, bagels overflowing with cream cheese and ice cream with hot fudge melting its icy goodness...oh man, I just drooled on my computer keyboard.

But I had to step back and take a good, long look at what I wanted from my life. Did I want to keep gaining weight until I couldn't get off the couch without someone pulling my hand to assist me? Did I want to find myself with diabetes in 20 years from being fifty pounds overweight and ignoring my predisposition to the disease by eating too many carbs and indulging in sugary treats? Did I want to continue to shy away from letting my husband see me naked with the lights on because I am so ashamed of the cellulite rolls and the fact that my thighs can't even remember the day when they weren't rubbing together like two animals trying to stay warm?

In a word, NO.

And I know if I don't lose this weight and get pregnant again within the next year like I am hoping to, that I will find myself 90 or a hundred pounds overweight after giving birth again, rather than the 40 I am right now. Many of my friends have said "why not just finish having kids and THEN lose weight so you won't gain it back?" To that I say that I am pretty sure it is easier to lose 40 pounds twice than a hundred pounds once. I could be wrong, but I would much rather start my pregnancy at a healthy weight, plus I don't want to put myself at risk for gestational diabetes by being overweight when I get pregnant.

So you know what all this means right? Yup, it means that Dr. Atkins and I have started a very intimate relationship. One that is not going to only last until I lose the desired amount of weight, then commence in an awkward break-up and lots of emotional eating until I gain all the weight back; but a true, lasting, lifelong relationship, in which I change the way I eat and look at food. I didn't want to do it. I resisted, I tried to convince myself that I could do it my own way, but really, I was in denial. So I have decided to get off this disastrous, dangerous rollercoaster they call "dieting" and do what has to be done.

And of course I will continue working out almost every day, feeling the burn and building that much needed sinew. That is the part of the equation that never changes. But now, instead of working out and working out to no avail and only feeling stronger but not seeing any results on the scale or my waistline, this time I have the magic recipe for feeling strong AND losing the fat. I have already lost five pounds since I started last week, so I know this is what I should be doing.

Now comes the surprising part--It's not as hard as I thought it would be. I'm not miserable, I am not craving sugar and carbs, nor am I ravenously hungry. Every other time I have tried to cut carbs out of my diet, I have been a moody, emotional mess and couldn't look at a piece of bread without bursting into tears. It's not like that this time. And I finally figured out why.

This time is different. I have made the committment to change my life, my health and my body so completely and fully that it is as if my mind will not allow me to stray from my proposed plan. Realistically, I know that in a week and a half, I can have some carbs again, and in a few months I will even be able to have whole grain breads and pastas. Will I ever be able to binge on my favorite foods on a regular basis? No. But I am finally able to look at it and realize that it is a small price to pay to find the woman inside that I know is hiding under all the folds and rolls of fat.

I want to live a long, active life with my children and I want to proudly strip naked for my husband in the bright lights of day. I want to put on a bathing suit without tears and wear shorts in the summer when it's hot instead of roasting in long pants because I can't stand to show my legs. And finally, I want to look in the mirror and see a body that is strong and lean, one that I am proud of and makes me feel powerful and like I can do anything.

Sounds pretty good, doesn't it? So tell me, what is something YOU have been wanting to do, something you know you NEED to do, that you have been putting off because you think it will be too hard? Maybe you just need to take a long look at the alternative and then make the committment. Sometimes, just changing your attitude and looking at things from a different angle can be exactly what you need. If I can do it, you can do it.

So here's to hoping I can do it...who's taking bets?

Monday, May 11, 2009

A Day Late and a Dollar Short: Happy Mother's Day

Seems I'm always a little late these days. Sorry about that. But I do love all you fabulous moms out there who come and read my crazy drivel and I hope you had incredible Mother's Days in which you were pampered and catered to in the style of which you deserve.

Or if you are like me, you at least didn't have to cook.

Happy Mother's Day!

Thursday, May 7, 2009

We're Baaaaaaaack!

Just when you thought you were rid of us, Captain Dumbass and I are back, and back with a vengeance! We have a new blog for He Blogs, She Blogs, a new format and we are ready to rock out with our cocks out. Well, not me, cause I am lacking the proper equipment, but I'll improvise.

So go over to He Blogs, She Blogs and let me know what you think of the new pad. There is a welcome post up over there so read, comment, you know the drill. Also, FOLLOW us so you won't miss one juicy piece of HBSB action. We need topics for our posts, which are now both going to be featured over there on Thursdays, as well as some surprise guest posters here and there so leave us some ideas. What do you want each of us to blog about? This time around, it will be ONE topic per post, so we can wax extensively on each issue instead of just answering questions. Get creative and bring on the provocative questions you have always wanted sussed out by the opposite sex!

Oh yeah, and grab the button and put it in your sidebar. The Captain and I will be forever in your debt. Well, not really, but we will think you are really, really cool :)

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

(Almost) Wordless Wednesday: The Princess Has Left The Building

This is the cake my mother (Rose from All About Cakes) made for my daughter for her 3rd birthday party - the Disney Princess Extravaganza. Amazing, isn't it? She may be a tad bit spoiled. But aren't all princesses?

Apparently, this little princess has figured out the diva complex often associated with princess status, since most of the day she refused to wear her dress (which she has worn non stop for two months now) and wanted nothing more than to lay on the couch sucking her thumb while her guests were outside partying. Needless to say, Mommy was ready to glue the dress to her and drag her by the wand to join the party by the end of the day, but we still had a blast. Here are some highlights:

Before the stripping Cinderella began taking it all off.

Cinderella and her "shining prince" brother (as she called him) dancing

The miserable knight in shining armor who took off his costume
before anyone even got there. Sigh.

Cinderella and her best buddy, Belle, dancing in the kitchen

The princess hitting the pinata

And of course no princess is complete without her treasures

Stay tuned for some really important announcements the end of this week involving the new He Blogs, She Blogs blog and recruiting I am doing for a book I am working on. It's going to be some fun stuff, you won't want to miss it!

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

She's Lucky She's Cute

I am having one of those days. You know those days where nothing goes right, and you drop everything you pick up and you literally feel like crying over everything? Yeah, that's today.

The main culprit behind this terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day is my adorable, sweet, little bundle of 3-year-old joy. Otherwise known as the "formerly adorable, sweet bundle of joy" because now she just simply goes by a symbol that looks like a giant, evil, gothic 3 due to the fact that there are no words to describe how relentlessly demanding she is lately. She doesn't listen. She laughs at me when I discipline her. She pulls all the DVDs out, tears up paper and strews it all over the room and screams at me for snacks and chocolate milk at regular intervals. I am pretty sure that someone came down from some other galaxy and took my child, replacing her with this maniacal toddler whom I do not recognize. I'm not sure what avenues I will need to go through to get this sorted out, I am pretty sure there is no Alien Abduction Child Task Force, but all I know is that if it doesn't get cleared up pretty soon, I might just have to be committed. Actually, being committed sounds pretty good right about now. Imagine all the work I could get done in a quiet, white, padded cell...

So if anyone knows of how I can get my child back, please forward me the appropriate information so I can nip this in the bud.

Everyone told me that 3 was worse than 2. I didn't believe them. I scoffed and thought there was no way my perfect little angel would miraculously change overnight on her 3rd birthday. But as one of my friends put it "Whoever said 2 was worse than 3 didn't let their child see their 3rd birthday." Because I swear, as soon as her 3rd birthday loomed around the corner, I saw something change in the twinkle of her eye and there were little hints that something big was about to happen. I admit it, I was still in denial. I had lots of excuses. "It's just because she is excited about her birthday," "It's because her allergies are bothering her," and "Maybe it's the change of the seasons." I was wrong. Oh, how wrong I was.

I'm hoping we make it through the day. If you see smoke signals coming from the general direction of the Northeast, just be aware that it is probably me, desperate for some respite from the horriffic harrassment I am enduring from my toddler. And, please, if you have a 2-year-old, do yourself a favor and prepare yourself for the 3rd birthday. Put away all the sharp instruments, get some Xanax and hire a baby sitter. Seriously, you will thank me for it later.