Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Sex and The Suburbs: Moms and Porn

This week, the Wise Young Mommy weighs in on the wonderful world of porn. She's not a big fan of it, but she'll give it a shot for the sake of her marriage - and the love of Robert Pattinson.

Head over to SexIs for this week's edition of Sex and The Suburbs, where I lay it all out and tell you what I honestly think about porn and where it fits into being a mom and a wife. If you have anything to say about it, please click here and tell me your opinion!

And, as always, if you haven't taken my motherhood and sex survey, click here and take it!

Thanks moms!

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Random Tuesday Thoughts: Toy With Me, Preschool and The Third Grade Blues


No, you are not hallucinating, I am participating in RANDOM TUESDAY THOUGHTS for the first time in, oh, four months, six days and 22 hours or so (not that I am keeping count). So yeah, head over to Keely's, grab the button and regurgitate some random thoughts of your own. I forgot how much fun it is; seriously, it's better than therapy and you don't get your husband looking at you with that blank stare, grunting "uh-huh."

-Have you been to Well, if you haven't, you need to get your ass over there, because 1. It's awesome, and 2. It's going to be even more awesome later this week when I begin writing a bi-weekly column on motherhood, marriage, sex, and relationships. Yes people, this Wise Young Mommy has a new gig, so you can get your fix even more often.

What more could you ask for?

-In two short weeks, my 3-year-old daughter will start preschool (SOB, GASP, HICCUP) and my 9-year-old stepson starts third grade. One is very excited for the new adventure, the other not so much. Can you guess which is which? Well, let me just tell you this: when asked if he was excited to go back to school, the 9-year-old Playstation Prodigy replied, with a look that could only be described as utter disgust, "No." That's it. No elaboration, no diatribe on the evils of third grade, just No, plain and simple. I think he is in denial.

-Speaking of denial, I was totally denied a car through Cash for Clunkers so I am starting to think that this whole "government helping us" thing really isn't working. What is up with telling us last week that there was another $2 billion available for all of us driving gasoline guzzling tanks and then ripping it out from underneath us with merely three days' notice? Yeah, not so thrilled with that. My dreams of owning my very first brand new car have been trampled on and squashed. Off I go to the used car dealerships...

-I found THE perfect pair of jeans that make me feel like a sexy, bootylicious slighter fatter (but still smokin' hot), much whiter version of Beyonce. The funny thing is: I have NO idea where they came from. I already asked my husband, calmly and rationally, if he was having an affair with a woman exactly my size who shops at American Eagle, and after he got over being completely offended and self-righteous, he denied said allegations and I was back to wondering how this pair of denim heaven ended up in my laundry basket. The only thing I can think of is that my stepson's mother ended up putting them in his bag by accident, which is unfortunate, because guess what? She's not gettin' these suckers back. They are mine now. My ass would be lost without them. Don't judge me. It isn't very often you find the perfect pair of jeans that flattens your tummy, hugs your ass in all the right spots and slims your thunder thighs.

OK, I think that's all the randomness I have in me today. Remember to go check out Keely at The Un-Mom and also go visit and start subscribing so you don't miss out on any of the awesomeness!

Happy Random Tuesday! It feels good to be back.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Sex and The Suburbs: The Celebumom Phenomenon

Put away the Star Magazine and step away from TMZ ladies. Wise Young Mommy is talking about celebu-moms and body image at Sex and The Suburbs.

This week the Sex and The Suburbs topic is celebumoms and the mainstream media and how we let ourselves feel bad because of their unrealistic mixed messages. Head on over and check it out--you might relate (or maybe you totally disagree). However you feel, drop me a line by clicking on the link and giving me some feedback or letting me know what you would like to see fleshed out in an upcoming column:

Click Here To Leave Feedback

And if you haven't taken my motherhood and sex survey (and you are indeed a mother), please click on this link to take it:

Click Here To Take Survey

As always, both of these are completely anonymous, so be honest, open up and let me know what's REALLY on your mind ladies!

Monday, August 17, 2009

Learning From Our Mistakes

"It was just a mistake!"

This is what my daughter now immediately responds with when she does something to get in trouble, such as turn her Playdough bucket upside down, thus covering the livingroom floor in little pieces of dried up playdough and gazillions of little plastic molds and cookie cutters or squirting her juice box creating a six inch stream of juice, or as she just did literally five seconds ago, eating half a bottle of fluoride free toddler toothpaste.

Apparently she has figured out that, in this touchy feely age of parenting in which we are raising our spawn, "everyone makes mistakes" and they are always forgiven. So now wreaking havoc on the household is not, in fact, the acts of a depraved, heathen-esque toddler, but just the mis-steps of a misguided, misunderstood little girl. But because she is sweet, says she is sorry and calls her acts of depravity "mistakes," it's OK and Mommy is going to say "Oh honey, don't worry, everyone makes mistakes."

Unfortunately, this Mommy responds with putting her in time out with a puzzled look on her face as she screams "But Mommy, it was just a mistake!!!"

So how do you explain to a 3-year-old that there is a difference between doing something undesirable without the intent to create chaos and doing something naughty, all the while knowing quite well that it's naughty but then backpedaling by using the "mistake" excuse? A mistake is something you shouldn't have done, correct? In her mind, it's all the same. On one hand, my daughter is very, very smart, but on the other hand, she is still 3. And 3-year-olds subscribe to their own brand of logic that is not easily penetrated by adult rationalization.

So I guess until the day that I can sit her down and explain the difference between intentional actions and unintentional actions, I suppose she is just going to have to learn from these "mistakes." Perhaps she will see a trend in the fact that she gets in trouble for hitting her brother in the face and she doesn't get in trouble when she accidentally spills her cup of juice. And maybe one of these days she will remember how much trouble she got into for pouring Mommy's coffee on her laptop and realize that that is one mistake she does not want to make again.

And in the meantime, I will not be keeping any liquids anywhere near my laptop when my daughter is in the vicinity. See, I can learn from my mistakes too.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Sex and The Suburbs: The Dry Spell

Sex and the Suburbs: The Dry Spell

Head on over to SexIs Magazine and read this week's edition of Sex and The Suburbs, all about the dreaded "dry spell." You know, moms, when you can't remember the last time you saw your husband naked and you are growing cobwebs on your hoo-ha? It happens to the best of us, but there are some ways of breaking out of it and you can read all about it!

Please ladies, I need more feedback from you on what you want me to write about for Sex and The Suburbs. Now you can offer up your stories, ideas, questions, and suggestions for what you would like to read about, completely anonymously, by clicking on this link:

Click Here to Make An Anonymous Suggestion

So head over to the "suggestion box" and sound off on what YOU would like to see in future columns! Thanks!!!

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Puppies Are Cute And They Don't Make Your Ass Any Bigger

Yesterday two momentous things happened in one day that made me want to laugh and cry simultaneously. First, my daughter and I visited the preschool where she will be going two times a week for four hours come September. And second, my 3-year-old aquatic prodigy started swimming all on her own, without the aid of any kind of flotation device.

I am thinking that this means one of two things:

1. We need to have another baby because my baby is growing up too fast.

2. It's time to close up the uterus, get the two kids jobs and start planning for retirement.

Most likely scenario # 1 is going to win out since I am only (almost) 30, and I don't think I am ready to give up on dreams of another tiny, snuggly little poop machine. We're not ready for it right at this moment, but I think it is only a matter of time before I will start feeling phantom
baby kicks and the urge to have a baby take up residence again as I watch my first baby start to look at colleges and consider a career in medicine. Seriously, have I told you how smart she is? It's a little scary. I am expecting her to start preschool and come home reading and writing poetry and prose on the second day and then she won't need me for anything anymore.

First she wipes her own ass. Then she's writing dissertations. It's inevitable.

But, all joking aside, I am so incredibly proud of my little girl and all her achievements. I just wish it would slow down just a little bit.

Yesterday my 9-year-old stepson occupied himself by putting tiny water balloons in my 3-year-old's bathing suit to make her look like a little, miniature Pamela Anderson and I just about had a heart attack. She pranced around, swinging her hips and embracing her newfound curves, and I knew I was in so much trouble. Then he put them in the butt of her suit and you know what she said? "Look, I have a momma butt!"

Cute. Heh.

So I figure since I can't do anything to stop this growing up thing, the best I can do is enjoy all these new accomplishments with her, and consider having another baby to prolong the death of babyhood in the family. But then I look at my "momma butt" and I have second thoughts.

Maybe we should just get a puppy...

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Sex and The Suburbs: If You're Freaky and You Know It, Clap Your Hands!

Sex and the Suburbs: Chips, Dips, Chains and Whips

Today's Sex and The Suburbs column is all about getting a little kinky in the bedroom (and possibly coming away with some bruises and rope burn in the process). Some moms like a little bondage in the bedroom and why not? So how about you? Do you enjoy a little dominant/submissive role play or being handcuffed to the bedposts? Please share your stories and opinions with me!

As always, you can e-mail me at or read the column and then come back and leave me a comment here with your thoughts, stories or questions. And if you are a mother, and you haven't taken my motherhood and sex survey, please click the link and take it now!!!

Click Here to take survey

This book isn't going to write itself and the more stories and feedback I get from real moms out there, the more informative and honest it is going to be. Please, help a momma out!

Monday, August 3, 2009

The Light At The End of The Tunnel

I have been living with my in-laws for five years.

Yes, this is where your eyes pop out of your head and you feel really bad for me, and preferably send me gifts to show your immense sympathy.

Three years ago this month, we bought a very old house that needed a LOT of work. Little did we know it would need about 347 times the amount of work that we thought it did, and that we would STILL be working on it three years later. Little did we also know that living in a tiny basement apartment with no windows while working from home with two children is likely to drive a mom completely and utterly insane. Sometimes I wonder if we would still have done it if we had known.

But we will never know that, and now we are in the final stages in completely rebuilding our home for us to finally move in. And although my nerves are shot and I am about one step away from rocking back and forth in the fetal position morning to night, we are almost there. We are mere months from being able to move all our possessions into our very own home, with windows and everything.

And I will finally be able to have friends over for play dates. I will be able to do laundry whenever I want to and my husband and I will be able to have sex as loud as we want to, in every room of the house, if we wish. My daughter will have a beautiful, pink princess room of her own instead of being shoved into a spare room full of old books and 30 years of unused Christmas gifts, and we will have closets of our very own--in every room. And all those fabulous gifts we got for our wedding five years ago will be brought out of storage and we will finally be able to enjoy them. To be honest, I don't even remember what half of them were. It will be like my wedding day all over again.

So, as difficult and emotionally tumultuous the past five years have been, and as back breaking and expensive as it has been to turn this 1850's structure into a habitable home, I don't regret it. Because in mere months, I will get to enjoy the freedom and space that I have been without for five years. My husband and I will get to re-acquaint ourselves with living together in our own home, and we will have a kitchen table at which we will sit around and have family dinners with our children. Things that we took for granted before will feel like the greatest gifts, and I will feel like the luckiest woman in the world.

I see the light at the end of the tunnel. And once we step into that light, we will never be in the dark again, because we will always know how lucky we truly are. Is there anything better than that?

I don't think so.