Monday, December 15, 2008

The Highs and Lows and The Backseat of the Car

This weekend was one of highs and lows. My stomach found itself in varying degrees of upset, from butterflies of excitement to acidic unrest from the trials of life. My mind is spinning from the swift transformation from thrilled to nervous to downright devastated in a mere period of days. This rollercoaster of emotions has left me feeling raw and vulnerable, an open wound, painless unless grazed even the slightest bit, any minute trauma an impending disaster to my stability.

My husband and I renewed our excitement for one another. We had sex in the backseat of the car, we were caught in the act and we had discussions of new, thrilling possibilities. We spent time with one another that felt like we were back at the beginning of our relationship, first dating, the spark of a new partner re-ignited, the primal attraction and need for the other so strong it overcomes all inhibitions and modesty. It made me feel young. It made me feel sexy. It made me realize how much I love my husband and treasure how he looks at me like the first day he met me, but with even more depth and realization of who I am. For this, I am eternally grateful.

But just as a rollercoaster reaches its peak and sends adrenaline rushing through your veins, it must also continue downward. Real life exists, even when you feel you are living in a fantasy. It's a hard fall from the ecstasy of love to the reality of not enough. Not enough time. Not enough patience. Not enough money. How do we get through it? How will we buy Christmas gifts for the children? How will we pay the mortgage? The realization of being part of a national crisis that I would have preferred to be left out of and not knowing how to dig to the surface bubbles my stomach's acid and makes me feel dizzy with worry.

But new and old friends send me words of encouragement. People I never thought I would hear from again, whom I have held so dear, frozen in time in my memory, have been unfrozen and remind me that I am not alone. My heart swells with happiness and appreciation for the technology that has allowed me to find these pieces of my life that I thought would never return. Memories, good and bad, wash over my mind, uncovering feelings long forgotten, bittersweet and sometimes faded, but always a part of the life that has made me who I am today.

This life has lead to right now--the good and bad decisions, the circumstances that have affected where I find myself at this moment. I have no idea where it will lead, and it's terrifying. I am held together by a thread, so fine and taut. For now I do what I can. I will do my work today, just hoping the thread holds tight. I will hold the love for my husband, my children and my friends close to my heart to help keep it beating. And I will wait for the next high to come.

Because what else can I do?