I was going to do the Top Ten Reasons Why I Suck This Christmas, but I found that I don't suck that bad, but bad enough for eight good reasons. Seriously, I have the least Christmas spirit this year than any other before, so I am going to share with you what makes me the suckiest of the sucky Grinchy Scrooges this year:
Eight Reasons Why I Suck This Christmas
8. I have not, and will not be sending out Christmas cards with cute pictures of my children in them, as I have done in past years. For this one, I will say "you're welcome," for this will save you the trouble of putting it on display just in case I come over, only to have to take it down after Christmas and debate about whether to throw it away or not.
7. I have bought four, yes count 'em, four presents as of today, nine days from the big day. This is partially because I have not had any motivation or desire to battle the crowds, and also because I have no money.
6. I have found myself occasionally mumbling "Bah Humbug" and other such non-Christmasy sentiments under my breath (such as "fuck you" and "kiss my ass"). Sorry Jesus.
5. This is the Christmas tree I could afford (and have the room for) IF I was getting a Christmas tree (which I am not):
4. I am giving my husband something for Christmas that I got for free. But it's something really good that I could have kept for myself, so I am telling myself that this is the ultimate gift of sacrifice. Work with me here, people.
3. I have actually pondered whether I could convince my children that Christmas was cancelled this year due to an epidemic outbreak of influenza among the elves at the North Pole.
2. What I am looking forward to most on Christmas is eating the cookies the children leave out for Santa, and...
The number one reason I suck this Christmas:
1. I shrunk my Santa Girl costume and was forced to give it to my daughter for her Build-a-Bear
So there you have it. I hope you don't suck as bad as I do this year. And I hope you have a Merry fucking Christmas fuckers.
What's the Plan, Stan?
2 hours ago