(Almost) Wordless Wednesday

May you all have a healthy, happy 2009...

Happy New Year from my family to yours...

MISSION: Monday Sponsors He Blogs, She Blogs Edition 2

Good morning folks! Today is a very special edition of He Blogs, She Blogs, because it is being featured over at Halftime Lessons and Dirty Socks and Pizza for the finale of MISSION: Monday! Jim and I were stoked to be asked to participate by Jay and Deb in the big year-end grand prize giveaway over at their blogs, so if you haven't entered yet, head over there and get in on the action! Just click on the banner below:



And now on to HBSB (which is now the cool, "hip" way to refer to He Blogs, She Blogs--everyone is doing it (if everyone includes me and Jim). Today we have queries from the rockin' daddy, Goodfather, the always fabulous Bee from Bee's Musings, the oh-so-Creative Kerfuffle, and the yo-diggity-Mama Dawg. And now, on with the show...

Goodfather wrote: Dammit, I thought Jim was MY BFF. Sigh. Unrequited BFF-dom.
OK, here's a topic: toilet seat UP or toilet seat DOWN. The spin? How the kids are involved. Go.

I think this problem between men and women has existed since the very first toilet seat was created many years ago by some dude who thought it would be funny to hear a splash and an explitive every time his wife went to the john after him. I must admit that I have had my husband potty trained for years now after many instances of my ass splashing in that cold, disgusting water, usually in the middle of the night when I wasn't paying attention, and I'll tell ya, nothing wakes you up like a startlingly cold, wet poop chute. HOWEVER, we had a new problem when the second dude of the house started using the indoor plumbing, and all of a sudden, I had to start dealing with this issue all over again, not to mention the whole issue of his aim not being what it should be. It seems, no matter what I did, I ended up with a wet bum, because he either forgot to put the seat down and I got an impromptu ass-bath or he would just leave the toilet seat DOWN and kinda lazily aim his little pee-pee in the general direction of the toilet, thus spraying the seat and leaving a nice wet surprise for Mom the next time she sat herself down on the throne. After many heated discussions about how there are girls living in this house that sit down EVERY TIME and that he needs to try to get ALL the pee into the toilet, then put the seat down, I think he finally has it. Almost FIVE. YEARS. LATER.

That's a lot of wet ass...

One of my very favorite bloggers, Bee, from Bee's Musings said: I love your answers!

I have a question for you for sometime.
Why do men (and I mean mine just in case I offend any men) always pretend to listen? I'd be okay if he said "I can't pay attention right now because I'm killing Orcs" then I'd know to tell him later. I tel him and I ask "did you hear me?" and he says yes so I move on. Then we hit deep shit when I find out he didn't actually listen.

Ha ha! Now I'm ticked! :o)

You are so not alone, Bee. I can't tell you how many times I have gotten the nod and the "uh-huh" when I am talking, only to ask him what I just said and he has no idea. My favorite is when he tries to remember a snippet of what I said and makes up something involving one or two words. Nice try, pal. I don't know about other husbands, but I know personally, with mine, I have to make sure that if I want him to retain and/or respond appropriately to anything I have said that I must do one or more of the following:

1. Wait for a commercial break and mute the television

2. Make sure I have complete eye contact and ask "Are you listening?"

3. Preface my statement/question with "This is important, I need you to listen to me right now."

4. After I have spoken, ask for him to repeat what I have said and if he cannot, repeat any or all of the above steps until desired result is achieved.

Otherwise, it's fair game and I know that he may or may not remember what I have said. But, this comes in handy when I want his approval on something that I think he may not be supportive of, so that when he questions that purchase I made, I can say "I asked you if it was OK last week and you nodded and said 'uh-huh'"

Creative Kerfuffle wrote: ok, here's a question for you: do guys want romance the way women want romance? what IS romance to a man?

Ah, romance, one of the ultimate dividers of dudes and chicks. I am really not sure if romance even matters at all to most men, but I know that for me, I can't get enough. I want flowers for no reason, I want to be told I am beautiful on a regular basis and I want candles and rose petals on Valentine's Day. Unfortunately, I think that most men use romance as a way to get women to sleep with them and once we are obligated to sleep with them because of those wedding vows, there is no need. But, personally, I need romance now more than ever because mommyhood has a way of making a woman feel about as sexy as a rock. You want to get me hot and bothered and ready to jump your bones hubster? Whisper some sweet nothings in my ear and tell me you can't get enough of me and I will ride you into the sunset. All the frivolity and sappiness may not do much for men, but the end result is the same--getting laid. So if men were really smart (which we know they are not--sorry guys, you're not when it comes to this), they would humor us and use romance more often and see how much more frequently they get their swerve on. Just sayin'...

And last, but certainly not least, Mama Dawg asked: How do you (the collective you) feel about dating single parents? Granted, IPR, I know you're married and since I'm not sure about Petra (haven't checked her out yet), it's just what you think.

Well, Mama, this happens to be something I know a little bit about. I am married to my husband of four years whom I met seven years ago at a birthday party with his adorable 1-year-old son. Yes, he was a single dad himself and I had absolutely no qualms about dating him (even though I was only 22 years old myself and still in college). For me, I fell in love with his son before I fell in love with him, and it was a no-brainer to continue seeing him. In our case, I just knew, right from the beginning, that there was something special about this man and his little boy. I wasn't even scared away by the psycho ex-girlfriend and baby momma who did everything in her power to erase me from the picture. But, here we are, seven years later, with full custody of my stepson and I wouldn't change a thing. If I hadn't taken a chance all those years ago on that single dad, I wouldn't have the gorgeous family I have today. So I think that answers your question...right?

Well, thanks everyone for joining us for the second installment of He Blogs, She Blogs (or HBSB for the "cool kids"). If you haven't already, head over to Jim's place and read his responses and feel free to drop us a topic suggestion in the comments section of either of our blogs and we will be sure to get to it in the future.

And don't forget to head over to Halftime Lessons or Dirty Socks and Pizza and take advantage of your last chance for the MISSION: Monday grand prize giveaway!

Peace out!

We Drank, We Ate, We Were Merry, Time to Start Again

Well, it's over. Presents were ripped open with reckless abandon, too much food was consumed and too much wine was drunk. But it was fun, it was heartwarming, and most of all, it was what Christmas is supposed to be about--family. And of course, video games, The Littlest Pet Shop and the Poo Poo on the Potty baby doll. I'm pretty sure my kids got everything they asked for, and much, much more. This Christmas, which I foresaw as the saddest little budget conscious Christmas our family has ever experienced, turned out to be big, bold and not even the least bit sad or little. I think we found the spirit of Christmas, that entity that my mom always told me about when I was a wee lass, the force that appeared in December that, somehow, some way, always made Christmas possible, even when no one knew how it could be done.

So here I sit, sick as a dog, trying to catch up on all the work I haven't done this past week. I am tired, throat raw and burning, head spinning and achy. But, surprisingly, I am in a really good mood. I haven't quite figured out why, but I have some inklings. It could be that I look to my right and see the beautiful organizational job I did yesterday with all my daughter's new gifts and the thought of watching her play with them makes me smile. It might be because my stepson is at his mother's for another three days and I get to catch my breath and pretend to be a mom of one for just a little while, only to have him come back and hug me tightly and make me realize how much I missed him. Or, quite possibly, it could be because my husband and I have been screwing like bunnies for two weeks and we seem to have rediscovered a passion and appreciation for one another that has renewed our love for one another.

While all of these things are contributing to my good mood, I am pretty sure the main reason for my feeling of well-being is the new year approaching and a chance for a clean slate and new beginnings. 2008 wasn't the easiest of years. But it brought good, along with the bad, and it taught me about disappointment and loss in a way I had never experienced. It made me appreciate the things I have that are such blessings, and showed me that life is too short to be angry or resentful. I know that 2009 is going to teach me how to be happy, and appreciate having everything I have ever dreamed of, and not to take it for granted. After all, you can't fully be grateful for what you have unless you have been without. So, for that, I am thankful. I am thankful that the universe was wise enough to take away my space, my freedom and my security, so that I may fully appreciate it when it returns. After all, happiness is not the greatest blessing, gratefulness for what you have is.

I urge you all to look around and take stock of what you are grateful for. These things may not make you happy every day, and sometimes they may frustrate you to no end. But, at the end of the day, these things are what make our lives full and rich, and weave the complicated tapestry
that is our life. Your children may drive you crazy and make you pull out your hair, but they give you a reason to get up every morning, and every time they kiss you, hug you or tell you they love you, you realize why God put you on this earth. You may sweat and stress over making your monthly mortgage payment every month, but your home is what keeps you warm and holds your family close to one another every day. And you may hate your job or want to punch your boss in the face, but that job you despise allows you to put food and wine on the table so you may eat, drink and be merry with the ones you love.

Don't forget. Appreciate. Breathe in your life, hold it in and allow it to nourish your heart.

Then repeat.

Merry Christmas--Don't Drink Too Much

Merry Christmas to my incredibly awesome readers. For me, today and tomorrow will be spent trying to keep the children from orbiting into space from hyperactivity and sugar consumption, while simultaneously explaining how Christmas is "not about the hundreds of gifts, but about being with your family." I consider it a successful Christmas if my 8-year-old stepson refrains from tossing aside gifts he doesn't like and asking where the rest of them are. You gotta love the spirit of Christmas.

All joking aside, enjoy your families, enjoy your children and don't drink too much. Enjoy the looks of wonderment and magic on your kids' faces, and the hugs and kisses from all the relatives you haven't seen all year. Most importantly, try to relax, don't think about the mountains of bills awaiting you in 2009 and eat as much as you want. Cause that is what Christmas is all about.

Ho, ho, ho ;)

Spin Cycle: I Heart Superman

For this edition of the Spin Cycle from Sprite's Keeper, I was instructed to supply Jen with a list of the blogs I like to stalk on a regular basis and she would assign me one to use for this assignment. I sent my list along, and anxiously awaited which blog I would be undertaking. When I got the e-mail and opened it to find out I was given CK's Lunchbox, I jumped up and down and did a happy dance because I love Clark Kent, and especially Superman. Oh, and did I mention Lois? Yeah, she's a major hottie and a bangin' journalist to boot. This blog is the bloggy equivalent to a Raspberry Stoli Cosmopolitan with a twist of lime in a frosty glass--practically perfect in every way.

We have hot superhero--CHECK

We have hot alter ego--CHECK

We have hot superhero wife--CHECK

We have adorable children, complete with funny stories and anecdotes--CHECK

And we have an awesome writer who really knows how to satisfy his readers. He's funny, he's interesting and he is not afraid to admit that he is in touch with his feminine side. In a recent post, CK (aka Ron) admitted to some less than machismo attributes that he possesses. First he writes:

"Yes, [sigh]I have man-crushes namely on George Clooney, Daniel Craig, Matt Damon, Hugh Laurie, Robert Sean Leonard, Tom Welling, Scott Foley, Tom Everett Scott and - why am I doing this to myself - Justin Timberlake."

How awesome is it that he not only cops to the man crushes but unashamedly lists them off like it's no big deal to be a dude and have a list of nine men you admire and adore? Total confidence. That's a real man.

Don't get me started on his penchant for decorating or his obsession with Nicholas Sparks' The Notebook. All I am going to say is that I simultaneously want to have a beer with him and go get pedicures with him while chatting about The Lipstick Jungle.

But my absolute favorite posts of CK's are the ones in which he talks about his uber-adorable stepdaughters, Allie and Avery. These two little girls sound like the cutest, smartest, most pretentious kiddos around and he just has a way of describing the things they do and say that makes me snort and guffaw like an idiot. It is obvious he loves these little girls and his willingness to rock out to High School Musical and Hannah Montana proves it. If you haven't read him at all, go here and here and you will know what I mean.

So between the whole superhero thing, and the whole being an awesome, funny, smart, and cool writer/stepdad with an equally awesome, funny, smart, and cool wife, CK brings it on with every blog post and wins my heart over and over again. Here's to you CK! You make my crazy, dildo-loving heart sing.

In tribute to CK and his superhero antics, I will leave you with the coolest Christmas card I got this year, from the one and only Clark Kent and his boys with a cameo from Darth Vader:

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

Just try to get that out of your head. I dare ya.

History is Made: The First He Blogs, She Blogs

Well, you guys certainly stepped up to the plate for this one. Jim and I did not have a shortage of topics to choose from for the first He Blogs, She Blogs, and we randomly chose a few of your ideas and will save the others for other editions. Be patient, your topic will be covered. But for today, you can enjoy the male/female blogging perspective as inspired by Cat from Zipbag of Bones, Jen at Sprite's Keeper, Mary Anne from The Stiletto Mom, and Krystal from Mommy's Escape 6.0. So here goes...

Cat wrote: Open marriages. What do we REALLY think about them. Swinging, swapping, whoring - whatever you wanna call it. Are we just animals that wanna get it on as much as possible with whoever we happen to run across? Or are we like lobsters and penguins, unable to find complete satisfaction until we're in a happy, monogamous partnership? How would swinging change that partnership? I must know.

This is a good one, because I have also always wondered about this phenomenon. I don't personally know anyone that does it, but I have seen my fair share of it on television and whatnot. I don't get it. Why get married if you want to sleep around? Personally, the reason I married my husband is because I decided he was the only dude I wanted to get it on with, and that I would prefer him not sleeping with anyone else. That's just me. I can understand the idea of shaking things up a bit and experimenting, cause we all know how much our husband's would appreciate adding a little more estrogen to the party, if you know what I mean (and you all know about my history of dabbling in the hot, sweaty girl-on-girl action, RAWR), but the idea of saying "bye honey, have fun on your date with some other slutty hoe or whomever you happen to pick up at the bar" to my husband as he heads out for the evening somehow cheapens the vows we took at the alter all those years ago. Call me old fashioned...

I say pick one person and call it a day. And if you reach the point where you need to have sex with other people, it might be time for some marriage counseling--or sex toys (more on that later).

Jen said: Interesting! I was working on a post about John's and my parenting styles and how they differ, good cop bad cop issues, but I may need to hold off until I see what comes about with this! My question? Giving in to your kids. How much and why?

I say never give those grubby-handed little mooches anything! Nah, just kidding, but I do think that there is a fine line between giving your kids everything you didn't have and spoiling the shit out of them. Personally, I did have everything (thanks Mom), so I am tempted to try to give my kids everything, but I know that sometimes giving an inch ends up equaling a mile and I try to live by the "everything in moderation" mantra. Yes, I give my kids candy and cookies. No, they cannot eat candy and cookies for breakfast (most of the time, unless mommy is really sick or hungover and can't cook something nutritious--JUST KIDDING). Yes, they get toys and special treats for no reason *occasionally, but not so much that I don't find myself saying "no, we are not buying toys today" ad nauseum when we are out shopping. And, no matter what, neither child is allowed to sleep in our bed because that is something I CANNOT tolerate. Two people is enough for one bed, and my chances of getting lucky (or at least getting spooned) vastly improve when there are no sprawling, kicking munchkins in the marital bed. Structure+realistic expectations+a teeny bit of flexibility=happy kids and parents.

The lovely Mary Ann said: Asking for directions...pro or con?

And I respond with a rousing PRO! I am sorry, but there is nothing that bugs me more than driving in circles when we can stop at a gas station and ask some grease monkey how to get there. However, I must admit that now we have a GPS, this is kind of a moot point.

And last, but certainly not least (especially because she chose my favorite topic of all), Krystal said: Well, of course since you are the goddess of all that is dildos and vibrators - how about talking about that? I would so totally want to know what a guy is thinking about that. LOL!! Especially my honorary big bro!

So we all know how I feel about this. I love dildos. I also love anything that vibrates and enhances, lubricates or tastes yummy. I think that sex toys are a great way to add a little adventure to the bedroom while at the same time making it pretty idiot-proof to make your little sex kitten "purr," if you know what I mean. Let's face it, even the best of the best can't always "hit the spot" or it can take so long that one or both of you say "eh, it's ok, it's just not gonna happen tonight." Add one of my little vibratory (that one's for the Bloggess cause it's her favorite word made up by me) friend and it's straight to the finish line for mommy! And we all know what that means, don't we? Once mommy is happy, daddy can get happy. And then everybody is shiny and happy. How can you go wrong? And since one of my discussions about dildos is never complete without a picture to embarrass my dear friend Joe (Da Old Man), here you go, my vibratory recommendation of the week, the Silver Bullet:


It's versatile, it's portable, it makes me one happy mommy. If you need explanations or suggestions, e-mail me ;)

That's it. The first installment of He Blogs, She Blogs. And I don't know about you but I think it went off without a hitch. Let's keep it going people. Let us know how you feel about it and start thinking of more suggestions.

I can't wait to read what Jim had to say...go check it out!

He Blogs, She Blogs (Wait, "She" Should Be First...JIM!!!!)

As some of you may know, I have a bloggy best friend and it just happens to be a person of the male persuasion (at least he tells me that he is and his pictures look suspiciously masculine, what with the goatee and all...). Before you go all "oooohhh, there must be something going on with those two," let me stop you, first to slap you up the side of the head and tell you to grow up, and then to ease your mind that our relationship is purely platonic; we are both happily married and just HAPPEN to have a lot in common and have a similar sense of humor. We are both writers and appreciate each others' blogs, and enjoy sharing stories and experiences that we both think are hilarious that other people probably don't (so basically, we share a brain and are both familiar with that blank stare that people get when they think you are totally weird and have no idea what you are talking about).

OK, so I guess I will tell you who this person is, now that I have properly built him up, in case you don't know. It's Jim from Irregularly Periodic Ruminations, and if you haven't visited his blog, you MUST, because he is witty and smart and everything he writes makes me laugh till I pee. He also has a rather large female following, of whom were not too happy when he called me his "BFF" in a recent post, so here I will set the record straight. Sorry ladies, he's MY BFF, and you can't have him! No, just kidding...there's plenty of Jim to go around and I am fully willing to share. Kinda.

So in our discussions of the wonders of parenthood, marriage and blogging life, we have come across quite a few areas in which we agree will never be understood by the opposite sex. It never ceases to amaze us how differently men and women view certain things, and how it is nearly impossible for men to understand that we, as women, are ALWAYS RIGHT. Well, Jim has a different viewpoint on that one, but we won't get into that here. So I thought of this great idea (well, OK, fine, JIM thought of the idea, but I wholeheartedly agreed, which set the plan into motion quite nicely) that we should do a feature on our blogs where we each discuss a topic, one from the male point of view and one from the female point of view. After we decided that he would take the male and I would take the female (I put up a fight on this one, because really, women can do anything men can do, even talk about what men think and feel), we also decided that we would leave it up to YOU, our audience, to choose what topics we will discuss. You guys are so freakin' funny and creative that we figured we would get the best suggestions from the people who best know and love us (and probably seek to humiliate us and make us discuss the most uncomfortable topics, because, well, what's funnier than that?) and if we chose our own topics we would probably cop out and choose to write about, oh I don't know, leaving the toilet seat up as opposed to down. (Sorry if that was any of your lame-ass ideas. You're probably a lurker who is too embarrassed to comment anyway, being too afraid that your idea is lame. It is.) Moving on...

So here is your chance. Leave a comment here and/or over at Jim's blog telling us what you would like us to write about from the male/female perspective. Jim and I will choose a day next week to "unveil" our posts, choosing either a variety of questions of yours to answer, or if we sense a theme, we will write about one main topic. We will not show each other our posts, and you will be able to see firsthand the similarities and differences between us. I am sure that both posts are going to rock your world, however different or the same. Maybe we will even shed some light on the Mars/Venus debate; but in the very least, I am sure we will make you laugh (at or with us).

Be creative and don't hold back. If this works, you can join us periodically for He Blogs, She Blogs (order of "He" and "She" still a matter of debate) and start a long tradition of figuring out this whole thing we call the battle of the sexes--BLOGGITY STYLE!

No, I Did Not Take a Shower Today, What's It To Ya?

The past three days have gone by in a blur, filled with snippets of eyes blinking furiously while staring at the computer screen and me yelling in frustration at my daughter's neverending abundance of energy and new insistence in telling me off every chance she gets. The little devil, she is lucky she is cute, because in these uncertain financial times, I may just have been a teensy weensy bit tempted to sell her to some gypsies or polygamists.

I was under a deadline this week, which drastically put a damper on my "work at my own pace and do various things other than working throughout the day" style that I have been rocking with abandon lately. Usually, I have my work done ahead of time, but I have been very busy stressing out and have definitely not been as productive as usual. It has not helped that my 2 1/2-year-old daughter has decided that mommy does not, in fact, need to work but should be chasing after her, stifling her attempts to flood the bathroom in her many, many instances of washing her hands or brushing her teeth or ingesting large quantities of multivitamins that she somehow got her grubby little hands on AND managed to open despite the ever reliable CHILD SAFETY CAP.

No, I did not shower today. This is one of the many perks of working at home. I can go DAYS without changing my clothes or showering, and the only person that notices (sometimes) is my husband, but I have found that layering on the deoderant and spraying pheromone-infused powder all over my bod actually tricks him enough so that he doesn't turn up his nose at spooning with me nor is he ever the wiser that he is doing the horizontal mambo with one of the unwashed masses. Don't get me wrong, I never go more than a couple of days without showering, and on those days that I don't, I always wash my face and other "bits" that I would not want to be untended to on the off days. I'm not an animal...

One of the games that my daughter and I play during the day (and by games, I mean things that she does to slowly drive me insane) is when I really need a little quiet time so I offer to put in a movie for her. This is how it goes EVERY GODDAMN TIME:

Me: Do you want to watch a movie baby?

Baby Girl: YES Mommy! A movie!

Me: OK, good. What movie do you want to watch?

BG: A movie!

Me: But WHICH ONE do you want to watch?

BG: Ummmm....a movie Mommy!

Me: (now losing my patience) WHAT MOVIE do you want to watch sweetie? What's the NAME of the movie you want to watch?

BG: A DVD!!!

This is the part where I list EVERY SINGLE dvd that we own in hopes that she will hear one that sparks her interest and say yes, that is indeed the one she wants. After about 3 dozen or so have been listed, she will eventually say "yes, that one!" and I will proceed to put that dvd in the dvd player, thankful for a few minutes to get some actual work done.

However...

about five minutes into the movie she usually sits up and says "NO, I don't want 'insert name of currently playing dvd here'" and in return I say (gritting my teeth) "Then which movie do you want?"

"A MOVIE!"

If anyone ever finds a children's film called "MOVIE," please send it to me ASAP because apparently my collection is lacking one very important dvd.

One thing I do find, though, is that I am so much more productive when I am rushing to get things done for a deadline. Which makes me think perhaps I need to give myself some deadlines for doing laundry or cleaning the house. Maybe then I won't let it go until it is so overwhelming that all I want to do is ignore it, climb into bed and pull the covers over my head. I keep telling myself that all I have to do is get through the next few years until I can afford a housekeeper and/or the children are old enough to be used as my personal slaves. Either one works for me.

I did get my work done on time, thank goddess. And I did not sell my daughter or tie her up or anything else that the authorities and the department of social services frowns upon. As a matter of fact, when I finished this afternoon, I pushed away my laptop table and looked at my daughter who said expectantly "You all done Mommy?" to which I said "yes, I am." She climbed into my lap and nuzzled her face into my neck. She didn't care that I hadn't showered. All the frustrations of the past few days disintegrated from my memory.

And I remembered, once again, why I do it.

(Almost) Wordless Wednesday

Consider this my Christmas card
Merry Christmas Mofos
Love,
The Wise (Young) Mommy

Eight Reasons Why I Suck This Christmas...

I was going to do the Top Ten Reasons Why I Suck This Christmas, but I found that I don't suck that bad, but bad enough for eight good reasons. Seriously, I have the least Christmas spirit this year than any other before, so I am going to share with you what makes me the suckiest of the sucky Grinchy Scrooges this year:

Eight Reasons Why I Suck This Christmas

8. I have not, and will not be sending out Christmas cards with cute pictures of my children in them, as I have done in past years. For this one, I will say "you're welcome," for this will save you the trouble of putting it on display just in case I come over, only to have to take it down after Christmas and debate about whether to throw it away or not.

7. I have bought four, yes count 'em, four presents as of today, nine days from the big day. This is partially because I have not had any motivation or desire to battle the crowds, and also because I have no money.

6. I have found myself occasionally mumbling "Bah Humbug" and other such non-Christmasy sentiments under my breath (such as "fuck you" and "kiss my ass"). Sorry Jesus.

5. This is the Christmas tree I could afford (and have the room for) IF I was getting a Christmas tree (which I am not):

4. I am giving my husband something for Christmas that I got for free. But it's something really good that I could have kept for myself, so I am telling myself that this is the ultimate gift of sacrifice. Work with me here, people.

3. I have actually pondered whether I could convince my children that Christmas was cancelled this year due to an epidemic outbreak of influenza among the elves at the North Pole.

2. What I am looking forward to most on Christmas is eating the cookies the children leave out for Santa, and...

The number one reason I suck this Christmas:

1. I shrunk my Santa Girl costume and was forced to give it to my daughter for her Build-a-Bear

(Sorry honey)

So there you have it. I hope you don't suck as bad as I do this year. And I hope you have a Merry fucking Christmas fuckers.

*kiss kiss

Muffin Top Be Gone: Captain Fat Blaster to the Rescue!

Well, as most of my readers know, I have been fighting the muffin top and trying to lose a few (OK, MANY) pounds ever since I had my daughter *ahem* two and a half years ago. It has been an ongoing struggle for me, mostly because I work from home, run my blog and have two kids, a husband, a dog, and an old falling down house to deal with. Yeah, basically, my life is BUSY with a capital "B" and I feel like I just don't have the time or energy to exercise. Well, my good friend Ed from Fit Dad has a fitness and nutrition ebook that he is promoting this week and I told him I would check it out and let my readers know about it. Ed is AWESOME and he has really motivated me to get into shape with his material and his workouts, which are only 10 minutes a day, five days a week!!

The program is called Fat Loss To Go: 10 Minute Workouts for The Busiest Wonder Moms and Super Dads. Ed just turned 30 (which is right around the corner for me--EEK!), so he revamped the program and added a BUNCH of bonuses, so you get a total of 30 weeks' worth of workouts at the original price. Here is what you get when you download the ebook:

-10 Minute a Day, 5 Day a Week Fat Loss To Go book
-Fat Loss To Go Nutrition Guide

Bonuses:

-15 extra weeks of workouts
-Add-on Workouts for Trouble Spots
-Add-on Workouts Just for Abs
-Eating Right Made Simple Book
-Gourmet Nutrition Dessert Book
-Dumbbell/Body Weight 8-Week Program
-Mom Only 4-Week Program
-30-Day Posture Improvement Book

Ed is determined to help all us flabby moms and dads reach the fitness levels we should be at, by teaching us how to become Wonder Moms and Super Dads through his programs, and I for one, am ready for it! He has also turned his fat loss crusade into a funny ongoing story of Captain Fat Blaster, the weight loss superhero who is battling his nemesis, the evil Dr. Fatty and his henchmen Laze and the Time Sucker. If you haven't read the story of these comic book characters, head over to The Fit Dad's blog and read all about them. And while you are at it, check out the ebooks, which are going to be available with all the bonuses for a mere $39.95 only until 11:59 on December 17th.

Thank you Fit Dad for helping me get off my rear end and start the journey to becoming the Wonder-Mom that I know I am!

And everyone else, go check out his blog and his programs so Dr. Fatty doesn't win the battle of the bulge!

The Highs and Lows and The Backseat of the Car

This weekend was one of highs and lows. My stomach found itself in varying degrees of upset, from butterflies of excitement to acidic unrest from the trials of life. My mind is spinning from the swift transformation from thrilled to nervous to downright devastated in a mere period of days. This rollercoaster of emotions has left me feeling raw and vulnerable, an open wound, painless unless grazed even the slightest bit, any minute trauma an impending disaster to my stability.

My husband and I renewed our excitement for one another. We had sex in the backseat of the car, we were caught in the act and we had discussions of new, thrilling possibilities. We spent time with one another that felt like we were back at the beginning of our relationship, first dating, the spark of a new partner re-ignited, the primal attraction and need for the other so strong it overcomes all inhibitions and modesty. It made me feel young. It made me feel sexy. It made me realize how much I love my husband and treasure how he looks at me like the first day he met me, but with even more depth and realization of who I am. For this, I am eternally grateful.

But just as a rollercoaster reaches its peak and sends adrenaline rushing through your veins, it must also continue downward. Real life exists, even when you feel you are living in a fantasy. It's a hard fall from the ecstasy of love to the reality of not enough. Not enough time. Not enough patience. Not enough money. How do we get through it? How will we buy Christmas gifts for the children? How will we pay the mortgage? The realization of being part of a national crisis that I would have preferred to be left out of and not knowing how to dig to the surface bubbles my stomach's acid and makes me feel dizzy with worry.

But new and old friends send me words of encouragement. People I never thought I would hear from again, whom I have held so dear, frozen in time in my memory, have been unfrozen and remind me that I am not alone. My heart swells with happiness and appreciation for the technology that has allowed me to find these pieces of my life that I thought would never return. Memories, good and bad, wash over my mind, uncovering feelings long forgotten, bittersweet and sometimes faded, but always a part of the life that has made me who I am today.

This life has lead to right now--the good and bad decisions, the circumstances that have affected where I find myself at this moment. I have no idea where it will lead, and it's terrifying. I am held together by a thread, so fine and taut. For now I do what I can. I will do my work today, just hoping the thread holds tight. I will hold the love for my husband, my children and my friends close to my heart to help keep it beating. And I will wait for the next high to come.

Because what else can I do?