Tuesday, May 12, 2009

The Battle of The Bulge, Part 357

If you have been reading my blog for a while, you will be well aware of my battle with the scale, specifically the fact that I can't seem to lose this pesky 40 LB's of unsightly adipose that makes me look like the Pillsbury Dough Mommy. I have tried almost everything, but with my insulin resistance and PCOS, I have finally realized that the only way for me to lose this weight is to go (insert dramatic music here) LOW CARB FOR LIFE.

How depressing is that? Seriously, what kind of life is one in which you can't have big bowls of pasta and steaming hot french bread, bagels overflowing with cream cheese and ice cream with hot fudge melting its icy goodness...oh man, I just drooled on my computer keyboard.

But I had to step back and take a good, long look at what I wanted from my life. Did I want to keep gaining weight until I couldn't get off the couch without someone pulling my hand to assist me? Did I want to find myself with diabetes in 20 years from being fifty pounds overweight and ignoring my predisposition to the disease by eating too many carbs and indulging in sugary treats? Did I want to continue to shy away from letting my husband see me naked with the lights on because I am so ashamed of the cellulite rolls and the fact that my thighs can't even remember the day when they weren't rubbing together like two animals trying to stay warm?

In a word, NO.

And I know if I don't lose this weight and get pregnant again within the next year like I am hoping to, that I will find myself 90 or a hundred pounds overweight after giving birth again, rather than the 40 I am right now. Many of my friends have said "why not just finish having kids and THEN lose weight so you won't gain it back?" To that I say that I am pretty sure it is easier to lose 40 pounds twice than a hundred pounds once. I could be wrong, but I would much rather start my pregnancy at a healthy weight, plus I don't want to put myself at risk for gestational diabetes by being overweight when I get pregnant.

So you know what all this means right? Yup, it means that Dr. Atkins and I have started a very intimate relationship. One that is not going to only last until I lose the desired amount of weight, then commence in an awkward break-up and lots of emotional eating until I gain all the weight back; but a true, lasting, lifelong relationship, in which I change the way I eat and look at food. I didn't want to do it. I resisted, I tried to convince myself that I could do it my own way, but really, I was in denial. So I have decided to get off this disastrous, dangerous rollercoaster they call "dieting" and do what has to be done.

And of course I will continue working out almost every day, feeling the burn and building that much needed sinew. That is the part of the equation that never changes. But now, instead of working out and working out to no avail and only feeling stronger but not seeing any results on the scale or my waistline, this time I have the magic recipe for feeling strong AND losing the fat. I have already lost five pounds since I started last week, so I know this is what I should be doing.

Now comes the surprising part--It's not as hard as I thought it would be. I'm not miserable, I am not craving sugar and carbs, nor am I ravenously hungry. Every other time I have tried to cut carbs out of my diet, I have been a moody, emotional mess and couldn't look at a piece of bread without bursting into tears. It's not like that this time. And I finally figured out why.

This time is different. I have made the committment to change my life, my health and my body so completely and fully that it is as if my mind will not allow me to stray from my proposed plan. Realistically, I know that in a week and a half, I can have some carbs again, and in a few months I will even be able to have whole grain breads and pastas. Will I ever be able to binge on my favorite foods on a regular basis? No. But I am finally able to look at it and realize that it is a small price to pay to find the woman inside that I know is hiding under all the folds and rolls of fat.

I want to live a long, active life with my children and I want to proudly strip naked for my husband in the bright lights of day. I want to put on a bathing suit without tears and wear shorts in the summer when it's hot instead of roasting in long pants because I can't stand to show my legs. And finally, I want to look in the mirror and see a body that is strong and lean, one that I am proud of and makes me feel powerful and like I can do anything.

Sounds pretty good, doesn't it? So tell me, what is something YOU have been wanting to do, something you know you NEED to do, that you have been putting off because you think it will be too hard? Maybe you just need to take a long look at the alternative and then make the committment. Sometimes, just changing your attitude and looking at things from a different angle can be exactly what you need. If I can do it, you can do it.

So here's to hoping I can do it...who's taking bets?