Beyonce, Eat Your Heart Out...

I have to post this because I am just amazed at the pure, raw talent that my daughter possesses already at 3 years old. But I would like to preface this by saying that it was HER idea (even the leotard and the patent leather shoes) and I am NOT going to be a stage mom.

With that being said, enjoy! May it bring a smile to your face on this Monday!

Happy Birthday To Me

Today I am 30.

I started out like this:


I wish I looked like this:


But I actually look like this:


And that's OK, because I have this:

Not bad for 30 years, if I say so myself.

There is a God, and He Created Slimwear

How have I not realized that there is a product out there that could have completely changed my life three years ago? How could I have not been schooled in the true miracle that is slimming shapewear? For realz ladies, my life will never be the same, and it is all because of these:


Why there is not a mandatory class on slimming foundational garments for all women over the age of 18, I will never understand. I am reeling at all the form-fitting dresses and awesome jeans that I could have worn all these years, with nary a bulge or muffin top. They are comfortable, completely discreet and come in a variety of colors and styles to compliment any wardrobe and make you look smokingly slim and firm.

I am in love.

And all because while lamenting over the muffin toppiness, I decided to try using my belly band from when I was pregnant to see if it sucked things in enough to smooth out the bumps. And it did. And that got me thinking...maybe there is a garment made specifically for this purpose NOT for pregnant women, but just for us chubby mommies who need a little sucking and tucking in. I knew that there were corsets and other torturous equipment out there, and I had even heard of Spanx, but strangley thought Spanx were something completely different from what they actually are...don't ask. But I really didn't know that there are DOZENS of companies that make these camisols and body shaping thingies that don't suffocate you nor make you look like an old lady.

Oh, how naive and ignorant I have been.

The best part? They are not that expensive! But, honestly, I would pay through the nose for anything that made me look thinner. Seriously, these things take off at least 10 pounds and smooth everything out.

I am wearing one every day. I am wearing one to bed (although I am interested to see what happens the first time hubby tries to undress me while I am wearing one, cause really, they are kinda like sausage casings and I have to pull out my best contortionist impression when donning it and removing it myself...). But it's a small price to pay for banishing my muffin top.

So ladies, if you haven't checked out these miracle garments, please do. You will thank me for it when you are strutting around town in your skinny jeans with confidence.

By the way, nobody is paying me to endorse this product in any way shape or form, I just felt I needed to share this new discovery with all the other moms or muffin-topped ladies like me out there. How about you, what is your beauty secret you just can't live without?

I am reeling about all the things that could be out there that I don't know about.

A product that removes cellulite and simultaneously charges your ipod perhaps? A cell phone that prevents wrinkles? Come on ladies, don't hold back on me--DISH!

If Anniversaries Were Nickels, We'd Have a Quarter

Today marks five years that I have been married to this guy here:

FIVE YEARS!

I can't believe it. A lot has happened in the past five years.

**We moved in with my in-laws**

**We bought a house**

**We had a baby**

**We fought**

**We made up**

**We loved**

**We yelled**

**We kissed**

**We laughed**

**And we cried**

But with everything that has happened in the past five years, one thing has always been for sure.

We have done it together.

Here's to many, many more, my love.

Farewell to Sex and The Suburbs

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A Day Late And a Dollar Short

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Not Very Wordless Wednesday: Third Grade, Here He Comes--Hold Your Nose!

I wasn't allowed to take pictures of him at the end of the driveway.

He insisted on picking out his first day of school outfit, complete with skulls on the front of the shirt AND the back pocket of the jeans.

The other day he had actual REAL manly B.O.

I almost cried as he walked off to the third grade today.

But then I reminded myself that he still needed me to tuck him in at night...even with stinky armpits.

Check back tomorrow after I drop this one off at her first day of preschool:

It's going to be an entirely different story.

Sex and The Suburbs: Moms and Porn

Head over to SexIs for this week's edition of Sex and The Suburbs, where I lay it all out and tell you what I honestly think about porn and where it fits into being a mom and a wife. If you have anything to say about it, please click here and tell me your opinion!

And, as always, if you haven't taken my motherhood and sex survey, click here and take it!

Thanks moms!

Random Tuesday Thoughts: Toy With Me, Preschool and The Third Grade Blues

No, you are not hallucinating, I am participating in RANDOM TUESDAY THOUGHTS for the first time in, oh, four months, six days and 22 hours or so (not that I am keeping count). So yeah, head over to Keely's, grab the button and regurgitate some random thoughts of your own. I forgot how much fun it is; seriously, it's better than therapy and you don't get your husband looking at you with that blank stare, grunting "uh-huh."

-Have you been to ToyWithMe.com? Well, if you haven't, you need to get your ass over there, because 1. It's awesome, and 2. It's going to be even more awesome later this week when I begin writing a bi-weekly column on motherhood, marriage, sex, and relationships. Yes people, this Wise Young Mommy has a new gig, so you can get your fix even more often.

What more could you ask for?

-In two short weeks, my 3-year-old daughter will start preschool (SOB, GASP, HICCUP) and my 9-year-old stepson starts third grade. One is very excited for the new adventure, the other not so much. Can you guess which is which? Well, let me just tell you this: when asked if he was excited to go back to school, the 9-year-old Playstation Prodigy replied, with a look that could only be described as utter disgust, "No." That's it. No elaboration, no diatribe on the evils of third grade, just No, plain and simple. I think he is in denial.

-Speaking of denial, I was totally denied a car through Cash for Clunkers so I am starting to think that this whole "government helping us" thing really isn't working. What is up with telling us last week that there was another $2 billion available for all of us driving gasoline guzzling tanks and then ripping it out from underneath us with merely three days' notice? Yeah, not so thrilled with that. My dreams of owning my very first brand new car have been trampled on and squashed. Off I go to the used car dealerships...

-I found THE perfect pair of jeans that make me feel like a sexy, bootylicious slighter fatter (but still smokin' hot), much whiter version of Beyonce. The funny thing is: I have NO idea where they came from. I already asked my husband, calmly and rationally, if he was having an affair with a woman exactly my size who shops at American Eagle, and after he got over being completely offended and self-righteous, he denied said allegations and I was back to wondering how this pair of denim heaven ended up in my laundry basket. The only thing I can think of is that my stepson's mother ended up putting them in his bag by accident, which is unfortunate, because guess what? She's not gettin' these suckers back. They are mine now. My ass would be lost without them. Don't judge me. It isn't very often you find the perfect pair of jeans that flattens your tummy, hugs your ass in all the right spots and slims your thunder thighs.

OK, I think that's all the randomness I have in me today. Remember to go check out Keely at The Un-Mom and also go visit ToyWithMe.com and start subscribing so you don't miss out on any of the awesomeness!

Happy Random Tuesday! It feels good to be back.

Sex and The Suburbs: The Celebumom Phenomenon

This week the Sex and The Suburbs topic is celebumoms and the mainstream media and how we let ourselves feel bad because of their unrealistic mixed messages. Head on over and check it out--you might relate (or maybe you totally disagree). However you feel, drop me a line by clicking on the link and giving me some feedback or letting me know what you would like to see fleshed out in an upcoming column:

Click Here To Leave Feedback

And if you haven't taken my motherhood and sex survey (and you are indeed a mother), please click on this link to take it:

Click Here To Take Survey

As always, both of these are completely anonymous, so be honest, open up and let me know what's REALLY on your mind ladies!

Learning From Our Mistakes

"It was just a mistake!"

This is what my daughter now immediately responds with when she does something to get in trouble, such as turn her Playdough bucket upside down, thus covering the livingroom floor in little pieces of dried up playdough and gazillions of little plastic molds and cookie cutters or squirting her juice box creating a six inch stream of juice, or as she just did literally five seconds ago, eating half a bottle of fluoride free toddler toothpaste.

Apparently she has figured out that, in this touchy feely age of parenting in which we are raising our spawn, "everyone makes mistakes" and they are always forgiven. So now wreaking havoc on the household is not, in fact, the acts of a depraved, heathen-esque toddler, but just the mis-steps of a misguided, misunderstood little girl. But because she is sweet, says she is sorry and calls her acts of depravity "mistakes," it's OK and Mommy is going to say "Oh honey, don't worry, everyone makes mistakes."

Unfortunately, this Mommy responds with putting her in time out with a puzzled look on her face as she screams "But Mommy, it was just a mistake!!!"

So how do you explain to a 3-year-old that there is a difference between doing something undesirable without the intent to create chaos and doing something naughty, all the while knowing quite well that it's naughty but then backpedaling by using the "mistake" excuse? A mistake is something you shouldn't have done, correct? In her mind, it's all the same. On one hand, my daughter is very, very smart, but on the other hand, she is still 3. And 3-year-olds subscribe to their own brand of logic that is not easily penetrated by adult rationalization.

So I guess until the day that I can sit her down and explain the difference between intentional actions and unintentional actions, I suppose she is just going to have to learn from these "mistakes." Perhaps she will see a trend in the fact that she gets in trouble for hitting her brother in the face and she doesn't get in trouble when she accidentally spills her cup of juice. And maybe one of these days she will remember how much trouble she got into for pouring Mommy's coffee on her laptop and realize that that is one mistake she does not want to make again.

And in the meantime, I will not be keeping any liquids anywhere near my laptop when my daughter is in the vicinity. See, I can learn from my mistakes too.

Sex and The Suburbs: The Dry Spell

Head on over to SexIs Magazine and read this week's edition of Sex and The Suburbs, all about the dreaded "dry spell." You know, moms, when you can't remember the last time you saw your husband naked and you are growing cobwebs on your hoo-ha? It happens to the best of us, but there are some ways of breaking out of it and you can read all about it!

Please ladies, I need more feedback from you on what you want me to write about for Sex and The Suburbs. Now you can offer up your stories, ideas, questions, and suggestions for what you would like to read about, completely anonymously, by clicking on this link:

Click Here to Make An Anonymous Suggestion

So head over to the "suggestion box" and sound off on what YOU would like to see in future columns! Thanks!!!