Oops, I Did It Again!

Yup, I disappeared again, didn't I? Sorry about that, but I have good excuses this time. I think.

Heh.

#1. We lost our tenants that were supposed to be moving into our second floor apartment so we had to scramble around to find new ones. But the good news is, we have a couple coming to look at it this weekend that seems VERY promising. Young, but not too young, with kids around our kids' ages. As far as we can tell not crackheads or alcoholics, and I got along famously with the lady of the house so I could actually end up with a friend living upstairs. We win!

**Fingers crossed.

# 2. I got a job!!!! It's another remote position so I can work from home, and although it's not 100% writing, it's money and money is good! I will be doing email customer service and writing the training manuals for a loyalty shopping company. An old supervisor contacted me about joining his team and in not so many words, I said "Hell yes!" I started training yesterday and it looks like it is going to work out really well. So pretty soon I will be able to stop mooching from the government, which will make me feel pretty damn good.

# 3. I have been reconnecting with lots and lots of old friends and it has been fabulous. I feel so lucky to be surrounded with people from my life from all the way back to elementary school up through high school, college and after, and to be seeing so many of them on a regular basis. For a very long time, I lived in a little bubble of motherhood that I didn't let anyone penetrate and I never allowed myself to break out of, and now I am realizing how much I truly was missing. I thought that there wasn't room in my life for good friendships and that in order to give myself fully to my husband and children, I couldn't have a social life, hobbies or interests outside of them. I was wrong. I am becoming a better mother and wife, I believe, from the enrichment of these amazing people being in my life. And I can finally feel myself coming alive again, finding the love for things I had cast aside, and it's making life brighter and more vivid. And that, my friends, is a true blessing.

# 4. I have been doing quite a bit of work for the relief effort in Haiti, donating money, clothes and supplies, spreading the word, and researching other ways to help. This tragedy seemed to hit me really hard, specifically because I felt like I had done a lot of bitching and moaning about how tough our family has had it recently, and then I was hit with the images of men, women and children living on the streets of Haiti, injured and bleeding, without food or clean water, and I felt like I was just so incredibly lucky. I have always given to charities and donated clothes, shoes and toys year-round to organizations like The Salvation Army and church shelters, and I gave money and donations when Hurricane Katrina hit as well. But I wasn't an online presence during Katrina, didn't have Twitter or Facebook, and I felt this time around like I had the power to do more, and needed to do more. I am not a women of riches, but I am a woman who can reach people, with time on her hands, and I wanted to use that time to get the message out so that people wouldn't turn their heads away. So I tweeted ways to help, posted about clothing and supply drives and gave as much as I could myself. Now I am working with a friend to collect crayons and coloring books for the kids in Haiti who have no school and nothing to keep themselves entertained while they witness all the devastation around them. So, you know, there's that.

I am going to try to get back on a schedule of posting, but I must admit that I feel like I have lost my mojo a little bit. So bear with me, my fellow blogging peeps. I promise I will try to have some good stuff for you to read, but I can't guarantee anything. In the meantime, enjoy this video, my favorite American Idol audition this season so far (P.S. You have to watch to the end to see what he says after the audition in his interview):

You CAN Help Haiti

Unless you have been living under a rock, you know that Haiti was rocked with a 7.0 earthquake on Tuesday that has caused incredible devastation, massive injuries and a death toll that is rising by the day. The small Caribbean nation of Haiti was already considered one of the poorest in the western hemisphere and was not equipped or prepared for such a disaster in the first place, so you can imagine that the result of such a dramatic natural occurrence, one that would be catastrophic even here in the United States, is wreaking complete havoc on these poor people and their country.

Many of us are sitting in our homes feeling helpless and wishing we could do more to help. Some of us are concerned but ignoring it and assuming there isn't anything we can do because the needy are so far away. And further still, some are completely unconcerned because it has nothing to do with their own immediate lives and problems. Well, I urge those people to open their eyes and realize that these people need all the help that they can get, and even though we are far away and may not have money or medical expertise to give, there is ALWAYS something we can do. The worst thing we can do is just sit by and watch our fellow man suffer and die because we just couldn't be bothered.

I, for one, don't have any money, that isn't a big secret. But I can spare $10. So I made my $10 donation yesterday. I will be calling around to the churches in my area to find one who does missions to Haiti to see what they need for supplies and/or clothing and food. And I am doing my part by talking, writing and tweeting about it, to be sure that people aren't closing their eyes or turning their heads away because it's too painful to think about or they don't want to make an effort to help. Think about it this way. What if it were you and your family suffering through this tragedy and someone took the time to donate a pair of sweatpants and a tee shirt when you had no clothing to wear?

I will leave you with some links to resources, and please feel free to email me if you have any more useful links I can include in this post. You can donate to the cause through any of these organizations, as well as receive updates on the relief assistance.

American Red Cross
The Salvation Army
Partners in Health
NPR Article on Ways to Help in Haiti
Planting Peace
Conduit Mission
Doctors Without Borders

Also, my friend Kat, at 3 Bedroom Bungalow wrote about this as well today, so go ahead and check out her post as well.



Thank you.

Have You Talked To YOUR Angels Lately?

Today I have good things to say, so I am going to share them with you. You're welcome for making your day THAT much better. I love sharing my joy with others, what can I say?

Ok, so first of all, after eight long weeks of bullshit, and a week of stressful waiting after an adjudication period over my unemployment, I finally got my benefits deposited into my bank account this morning.

Hallelujah, praise the Lord. I seriously cried this morning when I saw that nice, pretty high balance in my account. Granted, it will be gone very, very soon, but this is a nice, big positive step forward that was much, MUCH needed.

I also wanted to tell you about an experience I had over the weekend that was pretty rad. I had an Angel Card reading done by my incredibly awesome friend's friend over the phone. I had never had one done, and am not super duper into stuff like that, but pride myself on being very open to everything in the universe. If you don't know what an Angel Card reading is, the premise is that we all have guardian angels watching over us and guiding us, and the cards simply point us in the right direction or open our eyes to the important things our angels want us to know. They don't tell you the future, and they never tell you anything bad. It's all about supporting you and guiding you in your life and your decisions. Apparently, many of us are resistant to the support and help that our angels are offering, and I am one of those people, because all of my cards were upside down. I guess I like to do things my own way, who knew? Well, everyone knew that. Shut up, I know. Whatever.

So first she relaxes you and tells you to ask your guardian angels for guidance. You close your eyes and breathe in and out and picture yourself surrounded by them. It's really very calming and lovely. During this time, she is shuffling the deck, and whatever cards fall out are the cards your angels want you to see. These were mine:

Card # 1 - Represents where I have been the past 3 weeks to 3 months. This card was Angel Isaiah and it was upside down, which means that I have been resistant to his assistance.

"It's a good time to give birth to new ideas and situations in your life. I am watching over you, guiding you, and protecting you during these changes."

Additional Message: "You are ripe with new possibilities, and you feel an urgency to push into new territory. Beloved one, your new and exciting life changes are inevitable. There is no turning back! Instead of playing it safe, you decided to move forward. That is why I am with you right now, giving you the extra courage and comfort that you need."

"However, there is no need to rush. This is a time of incubation, where nature can allow everything to grow in its innate rhythm. Be assured that your life change will hatch at just the right moment! In the meantime, know that God and the angels are watching over you. You are safe and very loved. Congratulations on the birth of this new period of your life!"



Card # 2 - Represents where I am right now. This card was Angel Astara, also upside down.

"You deserve the best! Reach for the stars with your dreams and desires, and don't compromise."

Additional Message: "In the past, you have settled for less than you wanted. But no more. I am here to raise your standards. I am also here to show you that you need not suffer in any way. It isn't selfish to desire a better life. The more that you receive, the more you are able to give to others. When you allow us to give to you, you're also supplied with all of the necessary tools for your life's purpose. You also inspire others when you show that the spiritual path gives you all of the support you could ever need."

"God and the angels want you to enjoy your life. Happiness is a holy part of your Divine mission. Whatever we can do to bring joy and peace into your life, please ask. We have noticed a reluctance on your part to ask for help. Perhaps you have felt that you didn't deserve good, or that you would be taking away from someone else if you received our help. Yet God only knows abundance, and humans are the only ones who believe in scarcity. This card is a reminder that God and the angels can only intervene if you request our help."



Card # 3 - Represents where I should be in the next 3 months. This card was Angel Daniel, the angel of marriage. Also upside down.

"I am the Angel of Marriage, and I am assisting you right now."

Additional Message: "You have called upon God to help in the area of marriage, and He sent me to your side. I am here to help you with a fulfilling marriage. God and I desire to answer your prayer without delay. The first area that I am helping you with is healing any past wounds related to marriage. In quiet moments, I ask that you be willing to release to me any pain associated with your parents. I ask that you breathe out any negative feelings that you may have about marriage, which stem from your childhood experiences."

"Next, I put my hand upon your heart and ask you to breathe in and out deeply. I now ask that you be willing to release old pain or anger toward your first love. As you release these toxins from your heart, I next ask you to exhale old pain toward all of your past lovers. Allow me to clear your heart of old wounds so that you can enjoy a happy marriage rooted in the present. We must release the past to avoid replicating old, painful experiences. I am here to free your heart so that it can fully love . . . within a blissful marriage."



Then there were some extra cards that fell out that said stuff about me needing to take better care of myself, to take more time for me and treat myself, and to relax more. To that, I say "here here!" Also, I got a card that said I have a unique connection with animals and that all my pets in heaven are watching over me and being guardian angels, which makes me feel pretty good.

Then after the reading, the woman told my friend that she kept having this feeling like she needed to tell me to write about my experience with the reading. So here I am, writing about it. I am obedient, if nothing else.

I really felt like the reading was pertinent to my life right now and it did help me look inward to examine the recent things that have happened. As you all know, it has not been the easiest time lately. But I do feel a shift is coming. And perhaps I do need to let people help me, and reach out to some spiritual guidance as well. It can't hurt, right? I have already begun to expand my support system by reconnecting with old friends, and have been trying to do more fun things I enjoy, such as listen to music, sing and dance, so I will continue with that. I believe things such as those can only enrich your life and make you stronger and better equipped to deal with the blows that life sends your way.

So 2010 was a slow starter, but I think it's finally gotten the memo and might be kicking it into gear. Me and my angels are gonna kick some ass and take some names.

You know, in a highly spiritual way.

My 3-Year-Old Musical Prodigy/LOML

During times of stress and strife, I always look for things that make me feel good to help me get through it. Spending time with old friends lately has been really helping me. Reconnecting and getting to know who they have become over the years has really been a great pick-me-up and has not only cheered me up, but has expanded my support system. I really do believe that people come in and out of your life at certain times for a reason, and I think lately I have found some people that I was supposed to find, and for that, I am immensely grateful. But, the other thing that really has lifted me up lately has been something that I had seemingly neglected, and I am not quite sure why. My intense love of music. So I decided to change that.

My 3 1/2 year old daughter and I have been spending A LOT of time lately indulging in music. And by a lot, I mean, we spend almost all day listening to it, singing, dancing, and playing instruments, and I have been using most of my free time downloading new music to play for her. I must say, she has IMPECCABLE taste in music. So far, some of her favorites (other than The Jonas Brothers, Miley Cyrus and Demi Lovato of course) are:

-Johnny Cash
-The Pixies
-The Violent Femmes
-They Might Be Giants
-The Lemonheads
-The Beatles
-The Cars
-Hall and Oates
-The Flaming Lips
-Ben Fold's Five
-David Bowie
-Letters to Cleo
-Queen
-Squeeze
and Weezer

How can you not love a child that has an appreciation for such incredibly awesome music? She not only knows the words to many of these artists' repertoires, but can also rock out on guitar, and rock a killer kitchen dance party while we cook dinner or do dishes. It just makes life so much more fun.

I am really looking forward to moving ahead with one of my goals for 2010, which is for both her and I to learn how to play guitar so we can play and sing some of these songs together. I think it is an amazing thing to be able to share music with your children.

What do you share with your children, other than colds?



Check her out, rockin' to The Pixies. I think she might be the next Patti Smith, what do you think?

Insert Funny Post Here

So this is the place where I am supposed to write funny/insightful/goofy things for you to read, right? Yeah, sorry about that. I had to blow the dust off when I got here, so I guess it's been a while. But, you know, there's shit. And then some more shit piles on top of that. And then that shit takes a big shit on your head.

Ew, that's gross. Sorry.

It's life. Life has been kicking my ass lately. I find that I have nothing to write about. Well, nothing good anyway. And nobody really wants to read doom and gloom. So bear with me people, and I will work on getting all happy for ya (or at least find a funny angle for my misery) to bring you some shits and giggles soon.

In the meantime, watch this hilariously funny first wedding dance video:

Random Tuesday Thoughts: Yes, Petra, There is a Santa Claus

Today I am participating in the much celebrated and super awesome Random Tuesday Thoughts hosted by Keely over at The Un-Mom, so grab that button up there, visit her over at her pad and write some random stuff of your own on your own blog. But first read this and don't steal it. Get your own randomness, this is MINE.

Just when you think things can't get any worse, they do. Yup, they get a LOT worse. So then you are convinced that things are never going to get any BETTER and you start to get used to your cursed life. You accept that you have no money, never will and will just have to suck it up, that the only luck you will ever have is bad luck, but that it's alright because you have family that loves you and pretty good hair so it's cool. But then something happens. Something you don't recognize. It takes you a minute to figure it out, but then you realize that it's something...good. That something good happened to me today people. After about a month and a half of absolutely ZERO job prospects from dozens of resumes and job applications sent out, I heard from TWO different prospective employers. Then I had a phone interview with one of them.

And I got the job.

I fucking rule.

It's a very part time copy editing and blogging gig for a start up upscale event planning company in Boston, and it certainly isn't going to solve all our money problems, but it's a start, and it's something GOOD, so I'm happy. It doesn't take much lately. Plus, the owner is simply fabulous and we hit it off right away so I am really looking forward to this new opportunity. So Merry Christmas to me, there IS a Santa Claus!

Next, I want to talk about this:

This photo is taken from the blog of Bob X. Cringely. This is his family's ACTUAL, REAL -LIFE Christmas card.

Um, really Bob? I was literally left speechless. I am not even going to say what I think. I want to know what YOU think about this little gem.

On to a picture with a lot less skin and a lot more cute little girl.

I am pretty sure this is the picture I am choosing for Quinn's portfolio picture for the modeling agency. Oh, you didn't know that my child is a bidding young model/actress/rock star? Well, she is. There were so many cute ones to choose from that my friend, Jennifer DeCesari took, but I think this one is the winner. Go check out her web site for more of her awesome photography.

So what do you think? And please keep your opinions about child modeling to yourself if they involve the fact that you think I am exploiting my child. She WANTS to do this, and if she is successful, it will send her to college. So bite me.

Finally, I wanted to tell you about the conversation that I had with my daughter at bedtime last night. She informed me that she has changed her mind and does not, in fact, want to marry Joe Jonas anymore. I know, I know, I was surprised too. I mean, he seems like the logical choice. But she has her mind absolutely made up that she would like to marry someone else. A young man who embodies everything that is good and fun in her little world, the young man who has taught her countless priceless lessons in life and about the value of a really good pillow fight.

This young man is her brother.

"I am going to marry Big Boy. He will be the daddy and I will be the mommy," she said to me.

As I tried my absolute hardest not to laugh, I said to her "Honey, you can't marry Big Boy, he is your brother. You're not allowed to marry your brother."

Her eyes filled up with tears and her lip quivered and I had to try even harder not to laugh. I know, I am a terrible, insensitive mother.

"Please, mommy? Please? I want to marry Big Boy. I really do!"

And when I shook my head, she burst into hysterical tears and I had to hug her and bury her head into my shoulder so she couldn't see the pained, trying-so--incredibly-hard-not-to-burst-into-laughter look on my face.

I finally got her calmed down and tucked into bed, and she cried herself to sleep, the poor little thing. I went into Big Boy's room and told him what happened, thinking he would get a kick out of it.

"Hey Big Boy, Baby Girl just got really upset because I told her she couldn't marry you because you are her brother."

He looked up from his Nintendo DS, rolled his eyes and said "Tell her not to worry, I'll help her find a husband."

Now that, my friends, is real brotherly love.

Happy holidays everyone. I love you and appreciate you all. Enjoy your families this season, be safe, have fun, and try not to get stressed out. Remember what matters.

All I Want for Chirstmas Is To Stay Out Of Rehab

I stopped drinking during the week.

Gasp!

I know. Shocking and mildly disturbing, right? Especially at this time of year, when stress and chaos abound, and with two kids, being unemployed and living with my in-laws, having a drink on a Tuesday night was a vital way to unwind and cope with the uber-demanding entity I like to call my life.

Which is a big problem. Because, in fact, not only was a glass of wine a way to unwind, it was a completely necessary and MUST HAVE part of my day. If I did not have a bottle of wine, I found a way to get one. And most nights, let's be honest, it did not stop at one glass of wine, it usually escalated into two or three, which inevitably lead to me feeling sweater tongued and heavy headed the next morning - and waiting longingly for 6 or 7 p.m. when I could have my beloved glass (or two) of wine again. The letter of the day is "W" people. And the word of the day is "wino."

I am not saying I am an alcoholic, but in a family famous for alcoholics, I know how damaging it can be, and I don't want to go down that road. I also know that the worst time to be drinking a little too much is a time when you are stressed out and overwhelmed. So I decided to nip it in the bud before I became the next victim on Intervention. I had already started getting suspicious every time I was invited to a get-together or someone wanted to videotape me for something. And when people automatically assumed I was drinking wine every night while watching television, I knew A&E was only the next logical step.

Not only that, but it saves hundreds of calories a week, and tons of money that we certainly don't have to spend right now, so in my somewhat deluded estimation I am killing, like, 24 birds with one stone.

Even my husband, Mr. Open a Beer As Soon As He Gets Home has all but stopped drinking. I know, right? He now drinks MILK at night during the week. Is there anything cuter than a grown man drinking milk at night at home while watching the basketball game? No, there isn't. But we have both found that we are so much more clear headed and feel so much better, plus there is no danger of feeling out of control or bajiggity when the shit hits the fan. That is of utmost importance, you know, keeping the bajiggitness at bay during times of stress and hardship.

So I figure by being all grown up and responsible-like, I am doing myself and my family a big favor. And now the only thing I am in danger of being on Intervention for is my unhealthy adult obsession with The Jonas Brothers ;)

Seriously, though, if you or someone you love has a substance abuse problem, please seek help. Here are some links to useful resources:

Drug Abuse and Addiction: Signs, Symptoms and Help for Drug Problems

Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration

Substance Abuse Treatment Facility Locator

Go Elf Yourself!

One thing about being unemployed, you find yourself with quite a bit of free time on your hands. And rather than spend that time doing constructive things such as clean, write, look for jobs, or even blog, I find myself doing stuff such as "elfing" my entire family for mine and my daughter's absolute and complete enjoyment. That is what I did yesterday afternoon. And it did, indeed, keep us entertained for the ENTIRE afternoon because, surprisingly, it didn't get old and we spent about two hours watching them over and over and laughing HYSTERICALLY.

So here they are now, for your viewing pleasure. Starring me, my daughter, my son, my husband and a very special guest star whom my daughter would not let me leave out of the fun. There will be a very special Christmas prize for the first person who knows the name of that young, handsome bonus elf. (FADKOG, calling FADKOG!!!!!)

Enjoy!!

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

I Am Not That Funny And I Can't Save You Money On Insurance But I Can Kick You In The Nuts

Like my self-esteem is not low enough. My celebrity look-alikes can't be anyone stunningly beautiful and gracious. No, not me. I get told I look like the most obscure, goofy, dorky people in the public eye.

I cut my bangs, proof of which can be found in my new picture over there in yonder right sidebar. Also, I had to upgrade my eyeglass prescription AGAIN because I am slowly going blind and my contact lenses are scratching the corneas out of my eyeballs, so I used my computer glasses frames to get a new RX so that I could use the old frames and RX for computer use because my eyes are SO bad and my prescription is SO strong that when sitting in front of the computer, the prescription actually burns my eyeballs and deteriorates them even faster, according to the eye doctor. Yeah, I am a genetic winner apparently. But that's not the point. The point is that with my new bangs and glasses, apparently the dude with chin pubes and a receding hairline at Blockbuster thinks I look JUST LIKE the nerdy comedian girl from the Adam Sandler movie Funny People. Uh, thanks?

This is her:In the movie, they refer to her as "mousy" yet "sexy" like a "mouse you want to stick your dick in." Are you trying to tell me something Blockbuster man? Ew. Just...ew.

Now, that's not the worst of it. The other person that people like to tell me that I look like (including my dear, dear husband) is FLO from the Progressive Insurance Commercials.

Seriously? I don't think I look ANYTHING like her. And she is a total spaz. I'm not a spaz, am I? Am I? Wait, don't answer that. Moving right along...

I just wouldn't mind someone pulling me aside at the grocery store and saying "Wow, you look just like "insert gorgeous, glamorous celebrity here" instead of "that nerdy chick from that movie" or "that hyper lady from that commercial." Is that too much to ask? Really?

I guess I need to start wearing my evening gown out to the grocery store from now on...so who do people tell YOU you look like?

I Eat Turkey In a Big Brown Shoe

The title of this post is inspired by my husband who loves the Turkey song by Adam Sandler because I couldn't think up a title for this post and yesterday him and his friend were going back and forth quoting the song. So gobble gobble goo, gobble gobble gickle honey. Thanks.

Today is the day of my obligatory Thanksgiving post because tomorrow I will be super busy impregnating myself with a massive food baby consisting of turkey, mashed potatoes, carrots, green beans, and corn bread. I already did a "things I am grateful for" post last week, so instead, today I am just going to list all the people I want to thank on this Thanksgiving. Man, I hope I don't leave anyone out. And if I leave you out, please email me and let me know and I will add you. Here goes:

1. My husband, for his love and support, for putting up with my craziness, ups and downs and the fact that sometimes I don't match up his socks right

2. My kids, for teaching me patience every day and giving me more love than I have ever imagined I could ever know.

3. My mother, who has always been the best mother a girl could EVER have, has saved my ass countless times and never, ever judged me.

4. My father, who has never given up helping us with our house and has taught us so much about home building, being an incredible husbandand father, and patience.

5. My sisters, who are all so different and have all given me so much in so many different ways. Finally, after 30 years, they are all beautiful friends and cherished family.

6. My in-laws, who have given me a roof over my head and have taught me tolerance and patience in truckloads.

7. My friends, who show me love and support every day, are so incredibly fun and are always there for me when I need them.

8. My fellow bloggers, who have welcomed me into a community that has helped me grow as a writer, a person and a friend. I would not be who I am today without them.

9. My stepson's school, who is going to help us out this Christmas with gifts for the kids because they found out that I lost my job. It will never cease to amaze me when people actually step up and help others out of the kindness of their own hearts.

10. The federal government for having unemployment, because even though it was a pain in the everloving ass signing up for it, I am very, very lucky to have it.

11. My former employer, for giving me a severance, even though I wouldn't need the severance if they hadn't let me go, but I won't go there.

12. The Jonas Brothers, just for being them.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone. I hope you take the time tomorrow to thank the people in your life that make it a little bit better.

And wear stretchy pants.

Dear Children, Santa is Not Recession-Proof

I had the dreaded conversation with my 9-year-old yesterday about how this Christmas might be a little "different" than past years. Different meaning instead of a Christmas tree with gifts bursting with gifts from underneath it, he would probably be able to count his gifts on one hand. Now, of course, I didn't say that to him but that is the ultimate reality of the situation. Whereas every other year this child has spent HOURS on Christmas morning ripping open presents with wild abandon, this years it's going to be a reindeer of a different color. And I wanted him to be prepared. But how much (and how in the world without breaking his Christmas spirit) do you explain to a 9-year-old about unemployment, insufficient funds and the reality that there is an unfortunate lack of cute little elves in America to make gifts to place under the tree?

(Luckily my 3-year-old asked for a hula hoop for Christmas, then said she changed her mind and said she wanted a chair for her bedroom, and when I told her she could have both, she said "It's a Christmas miracle!!!!" so I am not worried about that one.)

So this is what I decided. He knows I lost my job. So I said to him that, since I lost my job, this Christmas was going to be a little on the "light side" since we needed our money for the important things like food and our house, etc., etc. Of course he would still get gifts, but he was probably not going to get the amount of gifts he has gotten in the past. I followed that up with Christmas isn't about the presents, it's about being with your family, and enjoying time together and loving each other, and we are so very lucky because we have each other and our health and somewhere to live and food to eat. His immediate reaction, which I knew would be the case, was "But there will still be lots of gifts from Santa."

So I said "But things are tough for Santa too this year honey."

Why not? Why the hell not? I mean, I know that Santa is magical and everything, but really, how much magic is there to go around? There has to be a shortage eventually and couldn't there be a magical recession? Maybe the elves aren't happy with their benefits or want better hours, and can't quite keep up with toy production. Looking at it logically, even Santa can't escape some ups and downs. So yes, I went there. I pulled that card--the very last one in the deck, and I am OK with it.

Because this is probably one of the last years that he is going to believe in Santa Claus. And God forbid there are only four gifts under that tree and he gives me that look that says "Now I know. You have been lying to me all these years. And you didn't even have the balls to tell me the truth. Pussy." I'm just not ready for that yet. He deserves to believe for a little while longer. So this year I will do my best to give him whatever we can, and we will say it is from Santa and that he did his best but times are tough up in the North Pole. And instead of hundreds of gifts, he will get the other stuff he always gets on Christmas in tenfold. His family. Lots of hugs and kisses. And magic. Lots and lots of magic. In the form of those cookies being eaten and the milk being drank and the reindeer prints on the fireplace hearth.

And I swear if any of his friends tell him that Santa is recession-proof I am going to their house and smashing their XBox into a million little pieces.

1-2-3 Magic, Thank You For Being You

We have been having quite the crisis around my house lately. No, not the one where I lost my jobs. No, not the one where I have lost my mind with stress and depression over having lived with my in-laws for five years, the entire length of my marriage. No, the one I am talking about is the one in which my 3 1/2-year-old daughter, the former angel baby, glorious sleeper and perfectly behaved little model child decided that being well behaved was, like, totally 2008 and she was going to do what all the "cool toddlers" were doing and make everybody's life miserable.

What a little joiner.

I've talked about it before; how the week before she turned 3 it was like a switch flipped and she became a different child. Well, that was nothing folks. Because that child was Cindy fucking-Loo-Hoo compared to the Damian clone that has been running our household for the past month or so. She's bossy, she's obnoxious, she's whiny, she's demanding. Oh, and did I mention she was abusive? Yeah, mommy was getting punched, hit, kicked, scratched, bitten, and pinched on a daily basis, and was about ready to run away from home and join some welcoming group of gypsies if it didn't come to an end.

But all this began right about when my hours increased with work. And, working from home, as you can imagine, this meant that less attention was paid to her. Also, I was more stressed and had less patience. This created a vicious cycle of her feeling ignored, acting out, me overreacting and losing my patience, her getting out of control, then me giving her her way just to get some peace so I could work.

Not good. Not good at all.

Then I lost my jobs. Bad news, yes. More stress? Yes. Toddler's behavior? Ten times worse. We all know that kids are like dogs and bees. They can smell fear. And she could tell something was wrong with the family and acted out accordingly. So last week was probably the worst week we had ever had and an all time low in my parenting career. But I got smart, and remembered what we did when my stepson was completely unmanageable as a toddler. We called on people much smarter, more experienced and less messed up than we were. Out came the parenting books.

The one parenting book that we found to be extremely helpful with my stepson, who happens to be ADHD and had severe speech and developmental delays and learning disabilities as a toddler (now only struggles with the ADHD, has a come a LONG way and doing really well) was 1-2-3 Magic. It was easy and effective and we ended up using it for years with him. We even used a modified, watered down version of the technique of it up until now with our daughter, but had gotten away from being completely consistent, which is key with this program. So I made a command decision this week, that I was going to get the new edition of the book, read it cover to cover and devote myself to carrying it out and making a positive change in our household.

I forgot how hard the first few days were. I felt like a zookeeper in a crazy zoo full of psychotic animals who won't stay in their cages. One, two, three, time out. One, two, three, time out. One, two, three, time out. All. Day. Long.

Good thing I was out of a job.

Day 2 wasn't much better. We spent most of the day counting and putting her in time out. But she seemed to understand the system better and would anticipate the third count and know she was going to time out and wish she hadn't pushed her limits. This was promising. It gave me hope for Day 3. And at least I got 3 minutes of peace every time I put her in time out in my bedroom about 50 times a day which equals approximately 150 minutes of peace for mommy. That's not bad for a mom who has not been getting ANY peace for months. I savored it.

Day 3 (yesterday) yielded much better results. It started off on shaky ground, and she was in time out within 30 minutes of waking up, but then she went to preschool and came home a different child. She didn't get a time out ALL AFTERNOON. Yes, she got to 2 quite a few times, but never got to 3. And there were a few times she said out loud, "if I get to 3, I get a time out," almost like a little toddler mantra, reminding herself to behave, and not only was it adorable, but it was a perfect little internalizing tool for self monitoring. I almost cheered out loud when I heard her say it.

So I think we are going to be OK. I know it isn't the end of the road. I know we are still going to have a lot of tough days, and she may regress to her rotten behavior and we will have to start all over again, but at least I know I have a plan. I know what to do.

And as a wise man once said, knowing is half the battle.