The Wise (Young) Mommy

Random Tuesday Thoughts: The Randomest of All

2010-03-09T08:34:00.004-05:00

It's Tuesday and I am joining in the fun with Keely and the gang (not to be confused with Kool and The Gang) and doing a Random Tuesday Thoughts post this week! I know, it's exciting. Try to contain your excitement and head over there and get the button yourself to write some random junk. Cause, well, it's fun. And fun is fun. And who doesn't like fun?

Speaking of fun, over the weekend, I went to the Muse/Silver Sun Pickups concert at TD Banknorth Garden with two of my awesomest friends from college. Now this was fun, but would have been a lot MORE fun if I didn't have the beginnings of a stomach bug. Have you ever ridden the subway and walked around the city, then sat in a loud stadium and danced and screamed your little heart out, all the while feeling like your stomach was going to come rushing out of your mouth and experiencing a serious case of the cold sweats? No? Consider yourself lucky. It's not an experience I recommend to anyone. However, seeing Muse live I HIGHLY recommend because it was INCREDIBLE. The stage was amazing; they played in the round with three illuminated pillars that came up out of the stage that they played on for some of the songs and that played video of various eyegasms, from a man swimming in water that slowly rose and filled the pillar, to clips of the actual audience, to men going up and down stairs and falling like dominoes. It was just so freaking cool. Then there were the lasers. Then there were the GIANT beach balls that looked like eyeballs that fell from the ceiling that were filled with confetti. Oh yeah, then there was the MUSIC. Which, of course, in true Muse style was epic and even better live than recorded. I can't wait to see them again when I don't feel like I am going to barf all over the people in front of me.

The good news is that I made it home without throwing up on anyone in the stadium or on the train, but then spent the rest of the night on all fours with my head over the toilet bowl. I even slept on the bathroom floor for about an hour or so. I am actually pretty proud of myself. After 30 years, I finally no longer cry or ask for my mommy when I vomit. I dealt with my illness in silence (well, as silent as you can be when you are puking your guts out) and crawled onto the couch at 7:30 in the morning, where my husband and daughter found me sleeping when they woke up. Luckily, my awesome husband let me go to bed for the day and took care of the little one and I slept until 3:00 in the afternoon. But, unlike the kids, who were up and running around 12 hours after the onset of their symptoms of the stomach bug, it took me a full 48 hours to get back to feeling normal again. Am I getting old? Wait, don't answer that...

I forgot to tell you guys something, I am writing for another blog. Don't worry, I will never love writing for it as much as I love writing for this one. It doesn't mean the same thing as The Wise Young Mommy does. This will always be my first blog love. But my friend started a Pop Culture blog and asked me to start creating some content for it because he intends to monetize it soon, so it could mean some money for me in the near future and I couldn't pass it up. I am now writing over at PopCultureFan.com, doing weekly American Idol recaps and various other pieces on television, movies and general pop culture news. So head over if you're sick of reading CNN and want some really hard-hitting journalism. Heh.

Yeah, I'm a sellout. All the way.

Also, I might be writing about the Boston Red Sox for a sports blog soon. Don't laugh. I KNOW my baseball. And also, I have boobs, and they want a woman's perspective. Surprisingly enough, I have more to offer than how they look in their uniforms, so you may actually see me as the next token chick sports writer on this cool sports blog that I can't tell you the name of yet. Stay tuned.

So that's all the randomness I have today. Remember to go read all the other fabulous random posts linked up over at The Un-Mom and link up your own random post if you got one!

Peace out!

I Love You, Therefore I Hold The Bowl

2010-03-01T16:27:00.002-05:00

This weekend was the weekend I got to hold the bowl. Yes, the puke bowl. Not only that, but I got to hold back the hair, and rub the back, get the water, and say "it's OK, you're going to be OK." Because that's what us moms do.

Even us moms that HATE puke. And I mean, hate. With a capital "H." Like, would avoid puking or being in the vicinity of puke at all costs and is almost verging on PHOBIC about puke. But, when you become a mother, there is this clause at the bottom of the paperwork that you have to sign in the delivery room that says "You, the undersigned, realize fully and of sound body and mind that there is a shitload of poop, urine and vomit in your future and you will have it on your person, will have to dispose of it, clean it up and watch it coming out of various orifices on your child/ren and must not, under any circumstances, run screaming out of the room, cry or break down emotionally when confronted with said bodily fluids." And even though you are still all drugged up and exhausted from pushing a baby out of your vagina, you sign it and you are trapped. Trapped into the job of the "Bowl Holder."

But, the thing that you don't realize, is that when it is your kid, it's different. Yes, puke is still disgusting. It smells bad, it looks gross and you definitely don't want it on you or near you. But when it does get on you, you don't gag and think you might actually drop dead from absolute disgust. You are more concerned about the fact that YOUR BABY just THREW UP. And OH MY GOD, what is wrong with them??? And instead of running from the room when your child starts gagging and you can see the vomit starting to come out of their mouth, you run TO them and push the bowl under their mouth, pull their hair back (because God forbid they get puke in their beautiful hair) and rub their backs. Because that's your baby. And you feel bad. You feel really bad.

It still sucks. Don't get me wrong. My stomach does flips and my heart races and I sweat like a fat guy running a 5K. But most of the distress I am feeling is just because I am worried about my child. I can't stand to see my children sick or hurt, and I would take it from them in a heartbeat. And after about the fifth time, sometimes I have to hold back the tears because I feel like I just can't take one more puke session. But I get through it. I always do. Because I love my kids.

Puke and all.

"Mommies Always Scream Into Pillows When They Are Happy"

2010-02-19T12:45:00.004-05:00

This? Hilarious. Not 100% accurate cause, you know, we aren't all married to a-holes and some of us actually have our degree and work or work from home. But it still strikes a chord, you must admit. Watch and laugh, if you are a haggard, tired, real-life mom with a sense of humor.

If you are one of those perfect moms who always has time to shower and do her hair and makeup and never loses her patience, wishes she could hide in her bedroom during the day, or has a drink during the week because her kids have driven her to the breaking point, then, well - fuck you.

Yeah, I said it. And you shouldn't care, cause obviously your life is way better than mine. You can laugh all the way to your mani/pedi appointment.

Here Comes Crash-Boom Betty!

2010-02-01T08:45:00.006-05:00

Has everyone seen the movie Whip It with Ellen Page and Drew Barrymore? Totally awesome. So awesome, in fact, that it has consumed my thoughts in the past 24 hours and I can't think of anything other than the incredibly awesome sport that it portrays. That sport?

ROLLER DERBY.

Hot chicks on old school quad skates kicking ass with creative personas and sick costumes? Where do I sign up? I mean, seriously, I spent many a Saturday night at Roll-Land with my friends showing off my moves and the idea of strapping on some skates again and shredding up the rink is more than a little appealing. I even started thinking up possible roller derby names. Here is the list of the ones I came up with:

1. Mommy Fearless
2. Ms. Behavin'
3. Ma Viscious
4. Bad Mama Jammer
5. Crash-Boom Betty

As you can see from the title of this post, I went with # 5, first of all because my family nickname is "Crash" and one of my nicknames from an old friend was "Betty," plus it was the only one that wasn't too close to an existing name in the International Rollergirls Master Roster so it would probably be accepted should I actually go through with this hairbrained idea I've got in my head. I know I am a strong enough skater. I have the personality and the drive. But one very, VERY important question remains:

Am I tough enough?

Am I going through a third life crisis? Or finally allowing my true self to emerge from this cocoon of motherhood I have been living in for the past 10 years? I'm not really sure. But I like it.

And I like the new pink streaks in my hair too.

Rock and ROLL.

Oops, I Did It Again!

2010-01-29T08:41:00.003-05:00

Yup, I disappeared again, didn't I? Sorry about that, but I have good excuses this time. I think.

Heh.

#1. We lost our tenants that were supposed to be moving into our second floor apartment so we had to scramble around to find new ones. But the good news is, we have a couple coming to look at it this weekend that seems VERY promising. Young, but not too young, with kids around our kids' ages. As far as we can tell not crackheads or alcoholics, and I got along famously with the lady of the house so I could actually end up with a friend living upstairs. We win!

**Fingers crossed.

# 2. I got a job!!!! It's another remote position so I can work from home, and although it's not 100% writing, it's money and money is good! I will be doing email customer service and writing the training manuals for a loyalty shopping company. An old supervisor contacted me about joining his team and in not so many words, I said "Hell yes!" I started training yesterday and it looks like it is going to work out really well. So pretty soon I will be able to stop mooching from the government, which will make me feel pretty damn good.

# 3. I have been reconnecting with lots and lots of old friends and it has been fabulous. I feel so lucky to be surrounded with people from my life from all the way back to elementary school up through high school, college and after, and to be seeing so many of them on a regular basis. For a very long time, I lived in a little bubble of motherhood that I didn't let anyone penetrate and I never allowed myself to break out of, and now I am realizing how much I truly was missing. I thought that there wasn't room in my life for good friendships and that in order to give myself fully to my husband and children, I couldn't have a social life, hobbies or interests outside of them. I was wrong. I am becoming a better mother and wife, I believe, from the enrichment of these amazing people being in my life. And I can finally feel myself coming alive again, finding the love for things I had cast aside, and it's making life brighter and more vivid. And that, my friends, is a true blessing.

# 4. I have been doing quite a bit of work for the relief effort in Haiti, donating money, clothes and supplies, spreading the word, and researching other ways to help. This tragedy seemed to hit me really hard, specifically because I felt like I had done a lot of bitching and moaning about how tough our family has had it recently, and then I was hit with the images of men, women and children living on the streets of Haiti, injured and bleeding, without food or clean water, and I felt like I was just so incredibly lucky. I have always given to charities and donated clothes, shoes and toys year-round to organizations like The Salvation Army and church shelters, and I gave money and donations when Hurricane Katrina hit as well. But I wasn't an online presence during Katrina, didn't have Twitter or Facebook, and I felt this time around like I had the power to do more, and needed to do more. I am not a women of riches, but I am a woman who can reach people, with time on her hands, and I wanted to use that time to get the message out so that people wouldn't turn their heads away. So I tweeted ways to help, posted about clothing and supply drives and gave as much as I could myself. Now I am working with a friend to collect crayons and coloring books for the kids in Haiti who have no school and nothing to keep themselves entertained while they witness all the devastation around them. So, you know, there's that.

I am going to try to get back on a schedule of posting, but I must admit that I feel like I have lost my mojo a little bit. So bear with me, my fellow blogging peeps. I promise I will try to have some good stuff for you to read, but I can't guarantee anything. In the meantime, enjoy this video, my favorite American Idol audition this season so far (P.S. You have to watch to the end to see what he says after the audition in his interview):

You CAN Help Haiti

2010-01-14T08:37:00.006-05:00

Unless you have been living under a rock, you know that Haiti was rocked with a 7.0 earthquake on Tuesday that has caused incredible devastation, massive injuries and a death toll that is rising by the day. The small Caribbean nation of Haiti was already considered one of the poorest in the western hemisphere and was not equipped or prepared for such a disaster in the first place, so you can imagine that the result of such a dramatic natural occurrence, one that would be catastrophic even here in the United States, is wreaking complete havoc on these poor people and their country.

Many of us are sitting in our homes feeling helpless and wishing we could do more to help. Some of us are concerned but ignoring it and assuming there isn't anything we can do because the needy are so far away. And further still, some are completely unconcerned because it has nothing to do with their own immediate lives and problems. Well, I urge those people to open their eyes and realize that these people need all the help that they can get, and even though we are far away and may not have money or medical expertise to give, there is ALWAYS something we can do. The worst thing we can do is just sit by and watch our fellow man suffer and die because we just couldn't be bothered.

I, for one, don't have any money, that isn't a big secret. But I can spare $10. So I made my $10 donation yesterday. I will be calling around to the churches in my area to find one who does missions to Haiti to see what they need for supplies and/or clothing and food. And I am doing my part by talking, writing and tweeting about it, to be sure that people aren't closing their eyes or turning their heads away because it's too painful to think about or they don't want to make an effort to help. Think about it this way. What if it were you and your family suffering through this tragedy and someone took the time to donate a pair of sweatpants and a tee shirt when you had no clothing to wear?

I will leave you with some links to resources, and please feel free to email me if you have any more useful links I can include in this post. You can donate to the cause through any of these organizations, as well as receive updates on the relief assistance.

American Red Cross
The Salvation Army
Partners in Health
NPR Article on Ways to Help in Haiti
Planting Peace
Conduit Mission
Doctors Without Borders

Also, my friend Kat, at 3 Bedroom Bungalow wrote about this as well today, so go ahead and check out her post as well.

Thank you.

Have You Talked To YOUR Angels Lately?

2010-01-11T09:22:00.006-05:00

Today I have good things to say, so I am going to share them with you. You're welcome for making your day THAT much better. I love sharing my joy with others, what can I say?

Ok, so first of all, after eight long weeks of bullshit, and a week of stressful waiting after an adjudication period over my unemployment, I finally got my benefits deposited into my bank account this morning.

Hallelujah, praise the Lord. I seriously cried this morning when I saw that nice, pretty high balance in my account. Granted, it will be gone very, very soon, but this is a nice, big positive step forward that was much, MUCH needed.

I also wanted to tell you about an experience I had over the weekend that was pretty rad. I had an Angel Card reading done by my incredibly awesome friend's friend over the phone. I had never had one done, and am not super duper into stuff like that, but pride myself on being very open to everything in the universe. If you don't know what an Angel Card reading is, the premise is that we all have guardian angels watching over us and guiding us, and the cards simply point us in the right direction or open our eyes to the important things our angels want us to know. They don't tell you the future, and they never tell you anything bad. It's all about supporting you and guiding you in your life and your decisions. Apparently, many of us are resistant to the support and help that our angels are offering, and I am one of those people, because all of my cards were upside down. I guess I like to do things my own way, who knew? Well, everyone knew that. Shut up, I know. Whatever.

So first she relaxes you and tells you to ask your guardian angels for guidance. You close your eyes and breathe in and out and picture yourself surrounded by them. It's really very calming and lovely. During this time, she is shuffling the deck, and whatever cards fall out are the cards your angels want you to see. These were mine:

Card # 1 - Represents where I have been the past 3 weeks to 3 months. This card was Angel Isaiah and it was upside down, which means that I have been resistant to his assistance.

"It's a good time to give birth to new ideas and situations in your life. I am watching over you, guiding you, and protecting you during these changes."

Additional Message: "You are ripe with new possibilities, and you feel an urgency to push into new territory. Beloved one, your new and exciting life changes are inevitable. There is no turning back! Instead of playing it safe, you decided to move forward. That is why I am with you right now, giving you the extra courage and comfort that you need."

"However, there is no need to rush. This is a time of incubation, where nature can allow everything to grow in its innate rhythm. Be assured that your life change will hatch at just the right moment! In the meantime, know that God and the angels are watching over you. You are safe and very loved. Congratulations on the birth of this new period of your life!"

Card # 2 - Represents where I am right now. This card was Angel Astara, also upside down.

"You deserve the best! Reach for the stars with your dreams and desires, and don't compromise."

Additional Message: "In the past, you have settled for less than you wanted. But no more. I am here to raise your standards. I am also here to show you that you need not suffer in any way. It isn't selfish to desire a better life. The more that you receive, the more you are able to give to others. When you allow us to give to you, you're also supplied with all of the necessary tools for your life's purpose. You also inspire others when you show that the spiritual path gives you all of the support you could ever need."

"God and the angels want you to enjoy your life. Happiness is a holy part of your Divine mission. Whatever we can do to bring joy and peace into your life, please ask. We have noticed a reluctance on your part to ask for help. Perhaps you have felt that you didn't deserve good, or that you would be taking away from someone else if you received our help. Yet God only knows abundance, and humans are the only ones who believe in scarcity. This card is a reminder that God and the angels can only intervene if you request our help."

Card # 3 - Represents where I should be in the next 3 months. This card was Angel Daniel, the angel of marriage. Also upside down.

"I am the Angel of Marriage, and I am assisting you right now."

Additional Message: "You have called upon God to help in the area of marriage, and He sent me to your side. I am here to help you with a fulfilling marriage. God and I desire to answer your prayer without delay. The first area that I am helping you with is healing any past wounds related to marriage. In quiet moments, I ask that you be willing to release to me any pain associated with your parents. I ask that you breathe out any negative feelings that you may have about marriage, which stem from your childhood experiences."

"Next, I put my hand upon your heart and ask you to breathe in and out deeply. I now ask that you be willing to release old pain or anger toward your first love. As you release these toxins from your heart, I next ask you to exhale old pain toward all of your past lovers. Allow me to clear your heart of old wounds so that you can enjoy a happy marriage rooted in the present. We must release the past to avoid replicating old, painful experiences. I am here to free your heart so that it can fully love . . . within a blissful marriage."

Then there were some extra cards that fell out that said stuff about me needing to take better care of myself, to take more time for me and treat myself, and to relax more. To that, I say "here here!" Also, I got a card that said I have a unique connection with animals and that all my pets in heaven are watching over me and being guardian angels, which makes me feel pretty good.

Then after the reading, the woman told my friend that she kept having this feeling like she needed to tell me to write about my experience with the reading. So here I am, writing about it. I am obedient, if nothing else.

I really felt like the reading was pertinent to my life right now and it did help me look inward to examine the recent things that have happened. As you all know, it has not been the easiest time lately. But I do feel a shift is coming. And perhaps I do need to let people help me, and reach out to some spiritual guidance as well. It can't hurt, right? I have already begun to expand my support system by reconnecting with old friends, and have been trying to do more fun things I enjoy, such as listen to music, sing and dance, so I will continue with that. I believe things such as those can only enrich your life and make you stronger and better equipped to deal with the blows that life sends your way.

So 2010 was a slow starter, but I think it's finally gotten the memo and might be kicking it into gear. Me and my angels are gonna kick some ass and take some names.

You know, in a highly spiritual way.

My 3-Year-Old Musical Prodigy/LOML

2010-01-07T08:40:00.004-05:00

During times of stress and strife, I always look for things that make me feel good to help me get through it. Spending time with old friends lately has been really helping me. Reconnecting and getting to know who they have become over the years has really been a great pick-me-up and has not only cheered me up, but has expanded my support system. I really do believe that people come in and out of your life at certain times for a reason, and I think lately I have found some people that I was supposed to find, and for that, I am immensely grateful. But, the other thing that really has lifted me up lately has been something that I had seemingly neglected, and I am not quite sure why. My intense love of music. So I decided to change that.

My 3 1/2 year old daughter and I have been spending A LOT of time lately indulging in music. And by a lot, I mean, we spend almost all day listening to it, singing, dancing, and playing instruments, and I have been using most of my free time downloading new music to play for her. I must say, she has IMPECCABLE taste in music. So far, some of her favorites (other than The Jonas Brothers, Miley Cyrus and Demi Lovato of course) are:

-Johnny Cash
-The Pixies
-The Violent Femmes
-They Might Be Giants
-The Lemonheads
-The Beatles
-The Cars
-Hall and Oates
-The Flaming Lips
-Ben Fold's Five
-David Bowie
-Letters to Cleo
-Queen
-Squeeze
and Weezer

How can you not love a child that has an appreciation for such incredibly awesome music? She not only knows the words to many of these artists' repertoires, but can also rock out on guitar, and rock a killer kitchen dance party while we cook dinner or do dishes. It just makes life so much more fun.

I am really looking forward to moving ahead with one of my goals for 2010, which is for both her and I to learn how to play guitar so we can play and sing some of these songs together. I think it is an amazing thing to be able to share music with your children.

What do you share with your children, other than colds?

Check her out, rockin' to The Pixies. I think she might be the next Patti Smith, what do you think?

Insert Funny Post Here

2010-01-05T09:29:00.003-05:00

So this is the place where I am supposed to write funny/insightful/goofy things for you to read, right? Yeah, sorry about that. I had to blow the dust off when I got here, so I guess it's been a while. But, you know, there's shit. And then some more shit piles on top of that. And then that shit takes a big shit on your head.

Ew, that's gross. Sorry.

It's life. Life has been kicking my ass lately. I find that I have nothing to write about. Well, nothing good anyway. And nobody really wants to read doom and gloom. So bear with me people, and I will work on getting all happy for ya (or at least find a funny angle for my misery) to bring you some shits and giggles soon.

In the meantime, watch this hilariously funny first wedding dance video:

Random Tuesday Thoughts: Yes, Petra, There is a Santa Claus

2009-12-21T20:39:00.006-05:00

Today I am participating in the much celebrated and super awesome Random Tuesday Thoughts hosted by Keely over at The Un-Mom, so grab that button up there, visit her over at her pad and write some random stuff of your own on your own blog. But first read this and don't steal it. Get your own randomness, this is MINE.

Just when you think things can't get any worse, they do. Yup, they get a LOT worse. So then you are convinced that things are never going to get any BETTER and you start to get used to your cursed life. You accept that you have no money, never will and will just have to suck it up, that the only luck you will ever have is bad luck, but that it's alright because you have family that loves you and pretty good hair so it's cool. But then something happens. Something you don't recognize. It takes you a minute to figure it out, but then you realize that it's something...good. That something good happened to me today people. After about a month and a half of absolutely ZERO job prospects from dozens of resumes and job applications sent out, I heard from TWO different prospective employers. Then I had a phone interview with one of them.

And I got the job.

I fucking rule.

It's a very part time copy editing and blogging gig for a start up upscale event planning company in Boston, and it certainly isn't going to solve all our money problems, but it's a start, and it's something GOOD, so I'm happy. It doesn't take much lately. Plus, the owner is simply fabulous and we hit it off right away so I am really looking forward to this new opportunity. So Merry Christmas to me, there IS a Santa Claus!

Next, I want to talk about this:

This photo is taken from the blog of Bob X. Cringely. This is his family's ACTUAL, REAL -LIFE Christmas card.

Um, really Bob? I was literally left speechless. I am not even going to say what I think. I want to know what YOU think about this little gem.

On to a picture with a lot less skin and a lot more cute little girl.

I am pretty sure this is the picture I am choosing for Quinn's portfolio picture for the modeling agency. Oh, you didn't know that my child is a bidding young model/actress/rock star? Well, she is. There were so many cute ones to choose from that my friend, Jennifer DeCesari took, but I think this one is the winner. Go check out her web site for more of her awesome photography.

So what do you think? And please keep your opinions about child modeling to yourself if they involve the fact that you think I am exploiting my child. She WANTS to do this, and if she is successful, it will send her to college. So bite me.

Finally, I wanted to tell you about the conversation that I had with my daughter at bedtime last night. She informed me that she has changed her mind and does not, in fact, want to marry Joe Jonas anymore. I know, I know, I was surprised too. I mean, he seems like the logical choice. But she has her mind absolutely made up that she would like to marry someone else. A young man who embodies everything that is good and fun in her little world, the young man who has taught her countless priceless lessons in life and about the value of a really good pillow fight.

This young man is her brother.

"I am going to marry Big Boy. He will be the daddy and I will be the mommy," she said to me.

As I tried my absolute hardest not to laugh, I said to her "Honey, you can't marry Big Boy, he is your brother. You're not allowed to marry your brother."

Her eyes filled up with tears and her lip quivered and I had to try even harder not to laugh. I know, I am a terrible, insensitive mother.

"Please, mommy? Please? I want to marry Big Boy. I really do!"

And when I shook my head, she burst into hysterical tears and I had to hug her and bury her head into my shoulder so she couldn't see the pained, trying-so--incredibly-hard-not-to-burst-into-laughter look on my face.

I finally got her calmed down and tucked into bed, and she cried herself to sleep, the poor little thing. I went into Big Boy's room and told him what happened, thinking he would get a kick out of it.

"Hey Big Boy, Baby Girl just got really upset because I told her she couldn't marry you because you are her brother."

He looked up from his Nintendo DS, rolled his eyes and said "Tell her not to worry, I'll help her find a husband."

Now that, my friends, is real brotherly love.

Happy holidays everyone. I love you and appreciate you all. Enjoy your families this season, be safe, have fun, and try not to get stressed out. Remember what matters.

All I Want for Chirstmas Is To Stay Out Of Rehab

2009-12-15T09:07:00.003-05:00

I stopped drinking during the week.

Gasp!

I know. Shocking and mildly disturbing, right? Especially at this time of year, when stress and chaos abound, and with two kids, being unemployed and living with my in-laws, having a drink on a Tuesday night was a vital way to unwind and cope with the uber-demanding entity I like to call my life.

Which is a big problem. Because, in fact, not only was a glass of wine a way to unwind, it was a completely necessary and MUST HAVE part of my day. If I did not have a bottle of wine, I found a way to get one. And most nights, let's be honest, it did not stop at one glass of wine, it usually escalated into two or three, which inevitably lead to me feeling sweater tongued and heavy headed the next morning - and waiting longingly for 6 or 7 p.m. when I could have my beloved glass (or two) of wine again. The letter of the day is "W" people. And the word of the day is "wino."

I am not saying I am an alcoholic, but in a family famous for alcoholics, I know how damaging it can be, and I don't want to go down that road. I also know that the worst time to be drinking a little too much is a time when you are stressed out and overwhelmed. So I decided to nip it in the bud before I became the next victim on Intervention. I had already started getting suspicious every time I was invited to a get-together or someone wanted to videotape me for something. And when people automatically assumed I was drinking wine every night while watching television, I knew A&E was only the next logical step.

Not only that, but it saves hundreds of calories a week, and tons of money that we certainly don't have to spend right now, so in my somewhat deluded estimation I am killing, like, 24 birds with one stone.

Even my husband, Mr. Open a Beer As Soon As He Gets Home has all but stopped drinking. I know, right? He now drinks MILK at night during the week. Is there anything cuter than a grown man drinking milk at night at home while watching the basketball game? No, there isn't. But we have both found that we are so much more clear headed and feel so much better, plus there is no danger of feeling out of control or bajiggity when the shit hits the fan. That is of utmost importance, you know, keeping the bajiggitness at bay during times of stress and hardship.

So I figure by being all grown up and responsible-like, I am doing myself and my family a big favor. And now the only thing I am in danger of being on Intervention for is my unhealthy adult obsession with The Jonas Brothers ;)

Seriously, though, if you or someone you love has a substance abuse problem, please seek help. Here are some links to useful resources:

Drug Abuse and Addiction: Signs, Symptoms and Help for Drug Problems

Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration

Substance Abuse Treatment Facility Locator

Go Elf Yourself!

2009-12-11T00:00:00.000-05:00

One thing about being unemployed, you find yourself with quite a bit of free time on your hands. And rather than spend that time doing constructive things such as clean, write, look for jobs, or even blog, I find myself doing stuff such as "elfing" my entire family for mine and my daughter's absolute and complete enjoyment. That is what I did yesterday afternoon. And it did, indeed, keep us entertained for the ENTIRE afternoon because, surprisingly, it didn't get old and we spent about two hours watching them over and over and laughing HYSTERICALLY.

So here they are now, for your viewing pleasure. Starring me, my daughter, my son, my husband and a very special guest star whom my daughter would not let me leave out of the fun. There will be a very special Christmas prize for the first person who knows the name of that young, handsome bonus elf. (FADKOG, calling FADKOG!!!!!)

Enjoy!!

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

I Am Not That Funny And I Can't Save You Money On Insurance But I Can Kick You In The Nuts

2009-12-01T13:56:00.005-05:00

Like my self-esteem is not low enough. My celebrity look-alikes can't be anyone stunningly beautiful and gracious. No, not me. I get told I look like the most obscure, goofy, dorky people in the public eye.

I cut my bangs, proof of which can be found in my new picture over there in yonder right sidebar. Also, I had to upgrade my eyeglass prescription AGAIN because I am slowly going blind and my contact lenses are scratching the corneas out of my eyeballs, so I used my computer glasses frames to get a new RX so that I could use the old frames and RX for computer use because my eyes are SO bad and my prescription is SO strong that when sitting in front of the computer, the prescription actually burns my eyeballs and deteriorates them even faster, according to the eye doctor. Yeah, I am a genetic winner apparently. But that's not the point. The point is that with my new bangs and glasses, apparently the dude with chin pubes and a receding hairline at Blockbuster thinks I look JUST LIKE the nerdy comedian girl from the Adam Sandler movie Funny People. Uh, thanks?

This is her:In the movie, they refer to her as "mousy" yet "sexy" like a "mouse you want to stick your dick in." Are you trying to tell me something Blockbuster man? Ew. Just...ew.

Now, that's not the worst of it. The other person that people like to tell me that I look like (including my dear, dear husband) is FLO from the Progressive Insurance Commercials.

Seriously? I don't think I look ANYTHING like her. And she is a total spaz. I'm not a spaz, am I? Am I? Wait, don't answer that. Moving right along...

I just wouldn't mind someone pulling me aside at the grocery store and saying "Wow, you look just like "insert gorgeous, glamorous celebrity here" instead of "that nerdy chick from that movie" or "that hyper lady from that commercial." Is that too much to ask? Really?

I guess I need to start wearing my evening gown out to the grocery store from now on...so who do people tell YOU you look like?

I Eat Turkey In a Big Brown Shoe

2009-11-25T09:14:00.003-05:00

The title of this post is inspired by my husband who loves the Turkey song by Adam Sandler because I couldn't think up a title for this post and yesterday him and his friend were going back and forth quoting the song. So gobble gobble goo, gobble gobble gickle honey. Thanks.

Today is the day of my obligatory Thanksgiving post because tomorrow I will be super busy impregnating myself with a massive food baby consisting of turkey, mashed potatoes, carrots, green beans, and corn bread. I already did a "things I am grateful for" post last week, so instead, today I am just going to list all the people I want to thank on this Thanksgiving. Man, I hope I don't leave anyone out. And if I leave you out, please email me and let me know and I will add you. Here goes:

1. My husband, for his love and support, for putting up with my craziness, ups and downs and the fact that sometimes I don't match up his socks right

2. My kids, for teaching me patience every day and giving me more love than I have ever imagined I could ever know.

3. My mother, who has always been the best mother a girl could EVER have, has saved my ass countless times and never, ever judged me.

4. My father, who has never given up helping us with our house and has taught us so much about home building, being an incredible husbandand father, and patience.

5. My sisters, who are all so different and have all given me so much in so many different ways. Finally, after 30 years, they are all beautiful friends and cherished family.

6. My in-laws, who have given me a roof over my head and have taught me tolerance and patience in truckloads.

7. My friends, who show me love and support every day, are so incredibly fun and are always there for me when I need them.

8. My fellow bloggers, who have welcomed me into a community that has helped me grow as a writer, a person and a friend. I would not be who I am today without them.

9. My stepson's school, who is going to help us out this Christmas with gifts for the kids because they found out that I lost my job. It will never cease to amaze me when people actually step up and help others out of the kindness of their own hearts.

10. The federal government for having unemployment, because even though it was a pain in the everloving ass signing up for it, I am very, very lucky to have it.

11. My former employer, for giving me a severance, even though I wouldn't need the severance if they hadn't let me go, but I won't go there.

12. The Jonas Brothers, just for being them.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone. I hope you take the time tomorrow to thank the people in your life that make it a little bit better.

And wear stretchy pants.

Dear Children, Santa is Not Recession-Proof

2009-11-23T20:11:00.007-05:00

I had the dreaded conversation with my 9-year-old yesterday about how this Christmas might be a little "different" than past years. Different meaning instead of a Christmas tree with gifts bursting with gifts from underneath it, he would probably be able to count his gifts on one hand. Now, of course, I didn't say that to him but that is the ultimate reality of the situation. Whereas every other year this child has spent HOURS on Christmas morning ripping open presents with wild abandon, this years it's going to be a reindeer of a different color. And I wanted him to be prepared. But how much (and how in the world without breaking his Christmas spirit) do you explain to a 9-year-old about unemployment, insufficient funds and the reality that there is an unfortunate lack of cute little elves in America to make gifts to place under the tree?

(Luckily my 3-year-old asked for a hula hoop for Christmas, then said she changed her mind and said she wanted a chair for her bedroom, and when I told her she could have both, she said "It's a Christmas miracle!!!!" so I am not worried about that one.)

So this is what I decided. He knows I lost my job. So I said to him that, since I lost my job, this Christmas was going to be a little on the "light side" since we needed our money for the important things like food and our house, etc., etc. Of course he would still get gifts, but he was probably not going to get the amount of gifts he has gotten in the past. I followed that up with Christmas isn't about the presents, it's about being with your family, and enjoying time together and loving each other, and we are so very lucky because we have each other and our health and somewhere to live and food to eat. His immediate reaction, which I knew would be the case, was "But there will still be lots of gifts from Santa."

So I said "But things are tough for Santa too this year honey."

Why not? Why the hell not? I mean, I know that Santa is magical and everything, but really, how much magic is there to go around? There has to be a shortage eventually and couldn't there be a magical recession? Maybe the elves aren't happy with their benefits or want better hours, and can't quite keep up with toy production. Looking at it logically, even Santa can't escape some ups and downs. So yes, I went there. I pulled that card--the very last one in the deck, and I am OK with it.

Because this is probably one of the last years that he is going to believe in Santa Claus. And God forbid there are only four gifts under that tree and he gives me that look that says "Now I know. You have been lying to me all these years. And you didn't even have the balls to tell me the truth. Pussy." I'm just not ready for that yet. He deserves to believe for a little while longer. So this year I will do my best to give him whatever we can, and we will say it is from Santa and that he did his best but times are tough up in the North Pole. And instead of hundreds of gifts, he will get the other stuff he always gets on Christmas in tenfold. His family. Lots of hugs and kisses. And magic. Lots and lots of magic. In the form of those cookies being eaten and the milk being drank and the reindeer prints on the fireplace hearth.

And I swear if any of his friends tell him that Santa is recession-proof I am going to their house and smashing their XBox into a million little pieces.

1-2-3 Magic, Thank You For Being You

2009-11-19T19:18:00.007-05:00

We have been having quite the crisis around my house lately. No, not the one where I lost my jobs. No, not the one where I have lost my mind with stress and depression over having lived with my in-laws for five years, the entire length of my marriage. No, the one I am talking about is the one in which my 3 1/2-year-old daughter, the former angel baby, glorious sleeper and perfectly behaved little model child decided that being well behaved was, like, totally 2008 and she was going to do what all the "cool toddlers" were doing and make everybody's life miserable.

What a little joiner.

I've talked about it before; how the week before she turned 3 it was like a switch flipped and she became a different child. Well, that was nothing folks. Because that child was Cindy fucking-Loo-Hoo compared to the Damian clone that has been running our household for the past month or so. She's bossy, she's obnoxious, she's whiny, she's demanding. Oh, and did I mention she was abusive? Yeah, mommy was getting punched, hit, kicked, scratched, bitten, and pinched on a daily basis, and was about ready to run away from home and join some welcoming group of gypsies if it didn't come to an end.

But all this began right about when my hours increased with work. And, working from home, as you can imagine, this meant that less attention was paid to her. Also, I was more stressed and had less patience. This created a vicious cycle of her feeling ignored, acting out, me overreacting and losing my patience, her getting out of control, then me giving her her way just to get some peace so I could work.

Not good. Not good at all.

Then I lost my jobs. Bad news, yes. More stress? Yes. Toddler's behavior? Ten times worse. We all know that kids are like dogs and bees. They can smell fear. And she could tell something was wrong with the family and acted out accordingly. So last week was probably the worst week we had ever had and an all time low in my parenting career. But I got smart, and remembered what we did when my stepson was completely unmanageable as a toddler. We called on people much smarter, more experienced and less messed up than we were. Out came the parenting books.

The one parenting book that we found to be extremely helpful with my stepson, who happens to be ADHD and had severe speech and developmental delays and learning disabilities as a toddler (now only struggles with the ADHD, has a come a LONG way and doing really well) was 1-2-3 Magic. It was easy and effective and we ended up using it for years with him. We even used a modified, watered down version of the technique of it up until now with our daughter, but had gotten away from being completely consistent, which is key with this program. So I made a command decision this week, that I was going to get the new edition of the book, read it cover to cover and devote myself to carrying it out and making a positive change in our household.

I forgot how hard the first few days were. I felt like a zookeeper in a crazy zoo full of psychotic animals who won't stay in their cages. One, two, three, time out. One, two, three, time out. One, two, three, time out. All. Day. Long.

Good thing I was out of a job.

Day 2 wasn't much better. We spent most of the day counting and putting her in time out. But she seemed to understand the system better and would anticipate the third count and know she was going to time out and wish she hadn't pushed her limits. This was promising. It gave me hope for Day 3. And at least I got 3 minutes of peace every time I put her in time out in my bedroom about 50 times a day which equals approximately 150 minutes of peace for mommy. That's not bad for a mom who has not been getting ANY peace for months. I savored it.

Day 3 (yesterday) yielded much better results. It started off on shaky ground, and she was in time out within 30 minutes of waking up, but then she went to preschool and came home a different child. She didn't get a time out ALL AFTERNOON. Yes, she got to 2 quite a few times, but never got to 3. And there were a few times she said out loud, "if I get to 3, I get a time out," almost like a little toddler mantra, reminding herself to behave, and not only was it adorable, but it was a perfect little internalizing tool for self monitoring. I almost cheered out loud when I heard her say it.

So I think we are going to be OK. I know it isn't the end of the road. I know we are still going to have a lot of tough days, and she may regress to her rotten behavior and we will have to start all over again, but at least I know I have a plan. I know what to do.

And as a wise man once said, knowing is half the battle.

Help for Anissa Mayhew

2009-11-18T12:26:00.002-05:00

This is taken from The Spohrs Are Multiplying, about Anissa Mayhew of Aiming Low, whom you may know from around the blogging community, Twitter, etc. She's hilariously funny, sweet and talented and tragically suffered a stroke yesterday:

12 pm Eastern UPDATE FROM ANISSA’S HUSBAND:

What we know is she had a massive stroke.

She bled into the brainstem and pons areas of the brain. She is no longer sedated but still unconcious and unresponsive. Vitals are mostly stable except for a lowgrade fever most likely due to the damage to the pons. The pons control the bodies ability to regulate temperature. She is still on a vent and it is unclear if she is capable of breathing on her own. She has had an mri/mra/ct today. An eeg is pending. We’re in a waiting game now for survival first, and ultimately for her to wake up.

—————

As you may have heard, Anissa, our beloved friend and leader at Aiming Low, suffered a stroke on Tuesday afternoon. She is in the hospital right now, in the ICU.

More than anything, Anissa needs your prayers and positive thoughts but to the many people in the Atlanta area who have offered help to the Mayhew family, we have set up a form for you to fill out so we can have everyone’s contact info in one place (please be assured your information will be kept private). If you are NOT in the Atlanta area but still want to help, you can also leave your information on that form.

Things that would be helpful right now are gift cards to restaurants and gift cards to the movies or to Blockbuster (to help keep the kids occupied) and gas/hotel gift cards for her extended family. We will be setting up a PO Box on Wednesday and posting the address here along with any updates. Please don’t send anything to the hospital or the Mayhew home. If you have questions, please email helpforanissa@gmail.com

We ask that you please respect the Mayhew family’s privacy by NOT calling the hospital and we thank you all SO MUCH for your outpouring of love and support for Anissa and her family.

With thanks and love,
The Aiming Low Team

UPDATE: An address has been set up to send cards and packages:
860 Johnson Ferry Road 140-184
Atlanta, GA 30342

How Unemployment Got Me Out of a Ticket

2009-11-17T09:32:00.005-05:00

Well, I have something else to be grateful for today. My unfortunate situation of finding myself without a job has gotten me out of a speeding ticket, however, you might say that I wouldn't have been in the situation of getting the ticket in the first place if it weren't for the unfortunate unemployment, but that's neither here not there. Here's what happened.

This morning I went to the unemployment office for the second time to apply for my benefits of which I have been paying into for years and have never taken advantage of. I have never actually even LOST a job, nevermind collected unemployment. I have never been fired, never laid off, have always left jobs of my own free will. Thus, I have never had the wonderful experience of applying for unemployment. Well, little did I know that they like to make it as difficult as possible. Like pull your hair out of your head, want to scream and kill someone difficult.

The first day I got there at 10:00 and there were NO appointments available so I was told to come back at 8:30 a.m. when they opened to snag a spot on another day and that it was first come, first served. So I lined up day care AGAIN today and got there at 8:39 a.m. (because I hit traffic) and was told the first spot that was available was 2:00. Unfortunately, I did not have day care at 2:00. So I turned on my heel and left. Again. Irritated and emotional, I got in my car and pulled out of the parking lot.

As I drove down the street, fuming and frustrated, those tell tale blue lights started blinking in my rearview mirror. I looked at my speedometer to find that, yes, indeed, I was doing about 40-something in a 30 mph zone. My theory about puppy drowning and Nazi supporting was starting to really make sense because yes, I was being PULLED OVER as I pulled out of the unemployment office. They must have been REALLY cute puppies. I felt like I was in a bad sitcom. I could already feel the tears welling up in my eyes.

By the time the police officer strode up to my driver's side window, tears were already streaming down my face and I handed him my registration and my debit card.

"Sorry, I don't take credit cards" he said with a smirk.

And I burst into hysterical tears.

I wish I had a camera to capture the look on this cop's face. I went on to blubber uncontrollably "I just left the unemployment office and they turned me away AGAIN and I have to go get my daughter and I don't have any more day care for her because I can't afford it anymore and I don't know what I am going to do and really officer I never speed ever my husband tells me I am such an old lady driver and I am really, really sorry. Really."

His face softened. He took my license and registration. And he said something I have never heard a police officer say ever in my life.

"It's going to be OK."

I wiped my tears away and tried to smile. He went on to tell me about how his son was out of work and he had a lot of friend who were unemployed and we chatted about how hard it was out there right now. He was actually really sweet. By the end of it, I thought he was going to reach through the window and give me a hug. He told me he was just going to give me a written warning and that he wished me the best of luck with everything. And with a big, warm smile, he was gone.

And that, my friends, is how unemployment got me out of a ticket. Although I have a sneaking suspicion it had more to do with my pathetic crying.

I'm So Bleepin' Thankful it Hurts, AKA The One Where I Lose My Job

2009-11-16T12:46:00.005-05:00

Yup, so I lost my job. Wait, correction. I lost my JOBSSSSS. The last two. My full time editing job AND my column at Toy With Me are gone, gone, gone, gone daddy gone, as the Violent Femmes would say. I'm not sure what I did in a previous life to deserve losing both my jobs in the same week but I am only guessing that it's something akin to drowning adorable puppies while supporting Adolf Hitler. However, after taking a week to be a miserable, sobbing mess and feeling awful for myself, I have decided to crawl out from under the proverbial rock I have been under and throw myself back into life (and blogging) because hell, what else is there to do!

The first thing on my agenda is to take stock, during this time of intense sucktastic-ness of the things that I have to be grateful for. So here they are, in no particular order:

1. Now that I am unemployed, I have TONS of time to blog.

2. My kids have only gotten colds this winter season (knock on wood) and some families have really been hit hard with H1N1.

3. Since losing my job, my husband has been amazingly supportive and sweet and it seems to be bringing us closer together to be faced with the possibility of our impending failure at life.

4. I have no loved ones overseas or that have been injured or killed in the war.

5. Unemployment. Nuff said.

6. Now I have no excuse not to work out so I plan on getting into smokin' hot shape.

7. The Jonas Brothers.

8. Now I can concentrate on finishing my book and hopefully get a book deal.

9. My house is almost done, and as long as we can stay afloat for the next few months and not go into foreclosure, we will be moving in at the beginning of the year and out of my in-laws house.

10. The Jonas Brothers.

Yes, I know I listed the Jonas Brothers twice. But they are really helping me get through this tough time right now. Heh. Don't judge me. I am not drinking excessively or doing drugs. So what if I have a little obsession with some young, tight pants wearin' purity ring-sportin' teen idols?

Shut up.

OK, so here's the plan. On Saturday I am bringing my daughter to an open casting call for child modeling/acting since she is such a little ham and keeps telling me she wants to be famous. So I figure we get her to start bringing home the bacon, and I can live off her fame and fortune for a few years until my book takes off, then I'll tour the country and get famous myself and my family and friends will never have to worry about money again because I will HAVE THEIR BACKS.

What do you think? Good plan? I think so. I might be slightly delusional, but it's OK, it's my defense mechanism right now and it's keeping me from not showering and sitting around eating Ben and Jerry's all day in dirty sweat pants and holey tee shirts. I figure by the time I need a real plan, I will probably be lucid again.

At least we can hope so :)

This Little Piggy Went to Market, This Little Piggy Stayed Home...With Swine Flu

2009-11-03T00:00:00.000-05:00

OK, I am officially freaked out.

I was remaining so calm and level headed about the whole swine flu epidemic, and wasn't giving into the mass panic that the media seemed hell bent on creating on the outbreak. I decided to give my kids the vaccine, and even when the doctor's office called me the day before their appointment and told me they were out and did not have any idea whether they would be getting anymore, I still didn't get nervous. But now, it has hit close to home, and it is now safe to say that I am worried.

My cousin's daughter, who we trick or treated with, hugged, kissed, and shared air with all night Friday and who hung out with my kids all day yesterday, has H1N1. She was diagnosed this morning and since it is contagious for up to 24 hours before symptoms begin, we may have been exposed and my kids were definitely exposed.

Ugh.

This is all I need right now. I am already up half the night unable to sleep because of all my anxieties about money, work and getting our house done. Now I get to have scary visions of my whole household coming down with swine flu, totally disrupting whatever semblance of balance we currently have. I know that most people only get a mild version, and that most people who get really sick or die have pre-existing conditions that make them at-risk, but I have to admit, I AM FREAKING OUT.

I thought maybe we would float through this pandemic like immunity rock stars, that maybe, just maybe, the universe had decided that we had enough shit on our plates and they might let this shit storm slide. My fingers are crossed. I am saying a novena and doing a Wiccan spell tonight. And I am going out to buy a CASE of Purell tomorrow. I will BATHE my children in it if I have to.

You better watch out Piggy Flu. You don't know who you're messing with. A mommy scorned is NOT one to mess with.

I Totally Suck at Life

2009-10-30T13:32:00.003-04:00

Yes, you read that correctly. Lately, I suck at life. How can you possibly suck at life, you may be asking. Especially since that is the one and only reason we were created--to LIVE--so how could someone suck at their primary instinct? I don't know, all I know is that I do. HARD.

I can't write for shit. I am working all the time and still not getting all my work done. The house is a mess, the kids don't get enough attention, and I haven't cooked dinner in a week. To top it all off, I got sick AGAIN (after just having a bad cold about three weeks ago) so apparently my immune system is malfunctioning, which is further proof that I SUCK AT LIFE.

I can't think straight or remember anything. I feel like I am putting in 110% of my energy and only accomplishing about 50% of what needs to be done. I am irritable, unhappy and completely unmotivated.

I know, you didn't realize this was going to be such an inspiring, uplifting post, did you?

So basically, I just want to apologize to everyone for not posting, not reading blogs and commenting and not interacting much on Twitter. I'm not really sure how to remedy this predicament, but I have an inkling it may require large doses of psychotropic drugs and possibly a lobotomy.

If I am not drooling and staring into space in a vegetative state by next week, I will let you all know how it is progressing. In the meantime, Happy Halloween. Any guess what my costume is?

Yes, you guessed it, a ZOMBIE MOM. I think it's quite fitting really.

Boobs, Glorious Boobs

2009-10-23T00:00:00.001-04:00

In honor of Breast Cancer Awareness week, ToyWithMe.com has had a boob-themed week, so if you head over there today, you can read my story about the power of breasts. And if you would like to donate to the Susan G. Komen fund to help with finding a cure for breast cancer, click on the banner above and it will take you directly to the Donations page.

My mother had a lump removed from her breast when I was 14 years old. Thankfully, it was benign and she has not had any problems since, but I know many that have been affected by this terrible disease. I even have a friend who, at a mere 30 years old, recently had a mastectomy due to breast cancer. I just want to reach out to all the women reading this today and ask that you are VIGILANT about checking your breasts for lumps and getting mammograms starting at the age of 40, and earlier if there is a history of breast cancer in your family.

I want you (and your boobs) around for a really, really, long time.

Everybody feel your boobs and have a great weekend!

I'm Everywhere

2009-10-16T14:11:00.002-04:00

Today I am urging you to read me in not one, not two, but THREE places on the internet. I know, I know, I am spreading faster than the swine flu, and there's no vaccine (although some might wish there was). But if you are one of the awesome people that don't, and you like reading me, then head over to the Sex and The Suburbs blog for "You Know You're a Sexy Mom When..." and THEN head over to Toywithme.com and read the story of my very first vibrator. Overshare? Perhaps. But hilariously funny.

Since today is Friday and I am completely unmotivated (and plus, I gave you plenty of things to read already!) I am going to end this post here. I am off to peruse my new Collector's Edition Jonas Brothers Rolling Stone...

THE END

Sex and The Suburbs Blog Launches Today!

2009-10-14T00:00:00.000-04:00

What are you doing here??? Get over to the Sex and The Suburbs blog NOW.

There's nothing to see here today. Move along. Yup, that means you.

Jonas Brothers, How Do We Love Thee?

2009-10-13T00:00:00.001-04:00

Thousands of screaming pre-pubescent girls filled Mohegan Sun Arena waiting for the magical moment when the objects of their obsession would take the stage and serenade them with songs of teen angst, love and rock and roll.

There we were. Right in the middle of all of it.

And it. Was. Awesome.

The day started with my dear, little angel waking up at 6 a.m. As I entered her bedroom, she shot up out of bed and cried "IT'S JONAS BROTHERS DAY!!!!!'

Indeed, in fact, it was. But we weren't leaving for another five hours...

We spent the morning counting down the minutes until it was time to get ready.

Here she is right before we left:

Her tee-shirt says "Biggest Little Jonas Brothers Fan" and yes, her super crafty, uber devoted mother made it for her (THAT'S ME). I even ironed on the sequined guitar and silver stars on the back. I RULE.

Here she is practicing her "I am so cute you can't stand it" face.

This is her "Enough pictures Mom, let's GO" face.

So off we went. Here she is in the car on the way. The excitement was mounting:

And after about an hour and 50 minutes, we made it there. Little did I know that not only would she be the biggest little Jonas Brothers fan, but did you know that teenage girls LOVE 3-year-old little girls? Yeah, I felt like we were with the band or something, the way they all gushed over her and how cute she was. People stopped just to talk to us and one nice mom with her daughter offered to take our picture. Here it is:

Then we waited outside the arena in a sea of young girls, and my little social butterfly made friends with even MORE people. Here she is outside, waiting to go in:

There was a lot of squealing and bouncing. And it was hot because we were squeezed in like sardines. This was not my favorite part of the day.

But then it was time to go in. So we made our way through the doors and found our seats. Here we are sitting in Section 21, Row U, seats 13 and 14:

She had her glow stick and she was ready to rock. Here is the view of the stage from our seats:

The opening act was The Wonder Girls. And let me tell you, there was nothing wonderful about them. They sucked big time. But then it was time for the JoBros. The excitement in the air was palpable and Baby Girl just kept saying "it's Jonas Brothers time, isn't it?" while bouncing up and down in her seat. I might have been just a little bit excited too. I didn't bounce though. Really. OK, maybe a little...

The show began. The boys were adorable. The music was great, and the energy from the thousands of screaming girls made me feel young again. But watching my daughter dance her little heart out was the best part. And when she screamed at me "Get up and DANCE Mommy!!!" I got up and danced with her. It was just pure, unadulterated joy. Here she is rocking out:

The show was actually pretty short, so about an hour and a half later, we were filing out of the arena and battling the crowds again. But the fun didn't stop there. We didn't get to meet the Jonas Brothers, but there was this in the lobby that you would have thought was the Jonas Brothers themselves when my daughter caught sight of it:

How can you go wrong with a day of screaming girls, an incredibly good looking and talented boy band show AND an animatronic wolf on the top of a huge rock waterfall?

It doesn't get any better than that folks.

And she is already asking when we get to go again.

Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire

2009-10-12T08:34:00.004-04:00

Today was supposed to be the launch of my new blog, Sex and The Suburbs, but due to various factors, such as the fact that I was really sick last week, and then my daughter and I took off to see The Jonas Brothers this weekend and partied like rock stars (aka saw the concert then went to Friendly's after for dinner) and then yesterday I was totally wiped out and STILL sick, Sex and The Suburbs is NOT ready to be unveiled.

I'm sorry, and my pants are TOTALLY on fire right now. Feel free to throw things at me.

But I did have good intentions of having it ready today, so really I didn't exactly lie, I guess I just didn't follow through on my promises. Either way, I apologize and am going to work VERY hard on getting my first post up on Wednesday, barring anymore illnesses, Jonas Brothers concerts and/or emergencies or laziness on my part.

So, to make up for this little snafu, I will be providing the illustrious and exciting story of our adventure to Mohegan Sun to see the JoBros for your reading pleasure tomorrow. It's complete with pictures and even a video. You're welcome. Am I forgiven? I sure hope so.

So check back tomorrow to hear all about our girls' trip to CT and how we survived thousands of screaming tween girls and then Wednesday, Sex and The Suburbs will be ready to rock your world.

Hopefully.

P.S. Starting this week, my pieces at ToyWithMe.com are starting as a weekly column, instead of bi-weekly, so keep on the lookout for them every Friday!

Not Even Close To Wordless Wednesday: Good News/Bad News

2009-10-07T11:01:00.003-04:00

OK, so we will start with some good news. My daughter started dance class on Monday and she LOVES it. Here she is showing off some of her sweet moves:

But now we move on to some bad news. My debit card got hacked and some loser scumbag asshat charged about $250 worth of Boos Mobile minutes and Asian food using it. Thankfully, I found the first charge last Friday night and called immediately so it could have been much worse. Also, thankfully, I did not have much money in there so they couldn't make any big purchases. One of the only times when being broke is a good thing. But what really sucked was that I was planning on buying some Jonas Brothers tickets for me and my daughter, and since it was going to take seven days to get my money back and the concert is this weekend, I was pretty sure that dream was down the toilet. HOWEVER, a little angel who restored my faith in humanity made it possible. So, yes, the next piece of good news is...

My little girl and I are taking a girls road trip and going to The Jonas Brothers this weekend!!!!!!!!!

We are just a little bit excited. And by just a little bit, I mean that she has woken up every morning this week asking if it's time to go see The Jonas Brothers. And I might be putting quite a bit of thought into what to wear and how to do my hair so I don't look like an old, desperate cougar amongst all the screaming tween girls. But no matter what, we are going to have a blast, because they really do put on an awesome show and live music is always AWESOME.

Ok, now for some more bad news. Yesterday I started getting sick. So I have been pumping myself full of fluids, taking Vitamin C and Zinc and hubby came home and made me chicken soup last night. So I am working very hard on getting better by Saturday so I am able to fully enjoy the Jonas Brothers experience.

Good news! The Sex and The Suburbs blog is going to launch next week! I know, I know, you just can't contain yourselves! So Monday, I will be posting a link to the very first Sex and The Suburbs post at its new home, and I expect all of you to come, read, comment and get in on the discussions. I really need you. And you. Yes, you too. Don't try to hide over there in the corner, I see you. And I need you too.

So, I will end on that positive note, instead of the other piece of bad news I have cause it's really not THAT bad and I am all about looking on the bright side. Heh.

Happy Wednesday!

Sexting, The Jonas Brothers and a New Pair of Uggs

2009-10-02T13:26:00.002-04:00

Alright people, there's lots to talk about today. First of all, head over to ToyWithMe.com and check out my article today on Sexting. You won't want to miss it, especially if you are looking for a little somthin' somethin' to spice things up in your relationship.

Second, my daughter wants to see the Jonas Brothers. Yes, she is 3, and yes, that is young to go to a concert, I know. But maybe Ikindawannaseethemtoo. So Operation Get Petra Jonas Brothers Tickets for her Adorable Daughter has commenced, you might have seen the Twitter campaign already. If anyone has tickets they are looking to get rid of CHEAP for Mohegan Sun on October 10th at 3:00 for the JoBros, or if you know anyone who does, PLEASE let me know. Or, conversely, if you need someone whacked or need a kidney, I'd be happy to oblige in order to make the money to score some tix on Stubhub or Craigslist.

P.S. If you know anyone at Mohegan Sun or have connections of any sort to get us in a meet and greet, I will seriously give you my next born child. Because my daughter keeps saying "I'm going to meet Joe Jonas and I am going to give him a hug and tell him I love his music," which is THE cutest thing ever and it makes me want to rip out my organs and sell them on the black market to make it happen for her. Yes, she has me wrapped around her little finger. But, really, how could you resist this face?

And lastly, there is an AWESOME contest going on for bloggers and web site owners out there for a free pair of UGG boots. All you have to do is go to this link and put in your name, email and blog address and then stick the button on your blog and you are immediately entered. And as long as you keep it on your blog, you will continuously be entered in the contest every month for another chance to win! So do it and win some awesome $150 boots!

So that's it for now! Stay tuned because the Sex and The Suburbs blog is coming soon. I will give you plenty of advance notice here for when the big unveil is going to be, and you won't want to miss it!!

Have a great weekend everyone!

Beyonce, Eat Your Heart Out...

2009-09-28T11:40:00.004-04:00

I have to post this because I am just amazed at the pure, raw talent that my daughter possesses already at 3 years old. But I would like to preface this by saying that it was HER idea (even the leotard and the patent leather shoes) and I am NOT going to be a stage mom.

With that being said, enjoy! May it bring a smile to your face on this Monday!

Happy Birthday To Me

2009-09-25T08:45:00.004-04:00

Today I am 30.

I started out like this:

I wish I looked like this:

But I actually look like this:

And that's OK, because I have this:

Not bad for 30 years, if I say so myself.

There is a God, and He Created Slimwear

2009-09-21T00:00:00.000-04:00

How have I not realized that there is a product out there that could have completely changed my life three years ago? How could I have not been schooled in the true miracle that is slimming shapewear? For realz ladies, my life will never be the same, and it is all because of these:

Why there is not a mandatory class on slimming foundational garments for all women over the age of 18, I will never understand. I am reeling at all the form-fitting dresses and awesome jeans that I could have worn all these years, with nary a bulge or muffin top. They are comfortable, completely discreet and come in a variety of colors and styles to compliment any wardrobe and make you look smokingly slim and firm.

I am in love.

And all because while lamenting over the muffin toppiness, I decided to try using my belly band from when I was pregnant to see if it sucked things in enough to smooth out the bumps. And it did. And that got me thinking...maybe there is a garment made specifically for this purpose NOT for pregnant women, but just for us chubby mommies who need a little sucking and tucking in. I knew that there were corsets and other torturous equipment out there, and I had even heard of Spanx, but strangley thought Spanx were something completely different from what they actually are...don't ask. But I really didn't know that there are DOZENS of companies that make these camisols and body shaping thingies that don't suffocate you nor make you look like an old lady.

Oh, how naive and ignorant I have been.

The best part? They are not that expensive! But, honestly, I would pay through the nose for anything that made me look thinner. Seriously, these things take off at least 10 pounds and smooth everything out.

I am wearing one every day. I am wearing one to bed (although I am interested to see what happens the first time hubby tries to undress me while I am wearing one, cause really, they are kinda like sausage casings and I have to pull out my best contortionist impression when donning it and removing it myself...). But it's a small price to pay for banishing my muffin top.

So ladies, if you haven't checked out these miracle garments, please do. You will thank me for it when you are strutting around town in your skinny jeans with confidence.

By the way, nobody is paying me to endorse this product in any way shape or form, I just felt I needed to share this new discovery with all the other moms or muffin-topped ladies like me out there. How about you, what is your beauty secret you just can't live without?

I am reeling about all the things that could be out there that I don't know about.

A product that removes cellulite and simultaneously charges your ipod perhaps? A cell phone that prevents wrinkles? Come on ladies, don't hold back on me--DISH!

If Anniversaries Were Nickels, We'd Have a Quarter

2009-09-18T07:50:00.006-04:00

Today marks five years that I have been married to this guy here:

FIVE YEARS!

I can't believe it. A lot has happened in the past five years.

**We moved in with my in-laws**

**We bought a house**

**We had a baby**

**We fought**

**We made up**

**We loved**

**We yelled**

**We kissed**

**We laughed**

**And we cried**

But with everything that has happened in the past five years, one thing has always been for sure.

We have done it together.

Here's to many, many more, my love.

Farewell to Sex and The Suburbs

2009-09-16T11:01:00.003-04:00

Well, sadly, today is the last Sex and The Suburbs column for me over at SexIs Magazine. Apparently, the boss is making some changes and I was one of them. So Sex and The Suburbs is no more, and yeah, I am a little upset. I might have even polished off a box of wine and eaten a humongous caramel apple covered in chocolate chips the other night in my misery.

*Sniffle.

However, I am still writing this book, come hell or high water, and I still need all the help from moms that I can get. So I will be starting a Sex and The Suburbs blog that will be devoted to writing about and discussing all the issues involved with sex, motherhood, relationships, and marriage. I plan to do interviews with other moms AND dads, have great guest posters and allow everyone to interact through comments and maybe even forums.

So moms and dads, if you are looking for a great place to talk about issues surrounding your sex life, in an open, honest place where nobody will judge you, learn about other people's interests and issues and be a part of creating a revolutionary book on sex after children, then keep your eye out for the big unveil, coming soon, hopefully within the next month or so.

Thank you all who supported me and read the column over at SexIs. And if you would like to send an email to the powers that be over there about the cancellation of the column, you can email SexIs@edenfantasys.com.

Rock on.

A Day Late And a Dollar Short

2009-09-04T10:01:00.004-04:00

I meant to post about Baby Girl's first day of preschool yesterday but didn't get around to it because of various craptastic life occurrences, so you get it today instead!

Actually, there isn't much to tell...we both did awesome!

Here she is posing with her backpack that threatened to tip her over when she put it on:

She insisted on bringing her Baby Jaguar stuffed animal AND her ceramic cat that she painted at Plaster Fun Time, so with her lunch, snack, extra clothes, and water bottle, I am pretty sure the bag weighed about as much as her.

Here she is, before she practically RAN to the car. Can we say excited?

There were absolutely NO tears, and she probably wouldn't have even said goodbye to me if I hadn't made her kiss and hug me--twice. I was a little choked up walking out to the car but as I drove away, the tears didn't come. Instead, an immense relief at having four hours of no children washed over me and I became sublimely happy. And knowing that she was having a blast made it that much sweeter.

My Baby Girl is growing up. And I am OK with that.

What I am not OK with is that she has been licking everything today, a behavior I can only assume she picked up from preschool yesterday. That I could do without. But, we take the good with the bad, right?

-------------------------------------------------------

By the way, head over to ToyWithMe.com and read my article on male birth control and let me know what you think. Do you think men should be trusted with the contraception? Leave me a comment with your opinion!

Not Very Wordless Wednesday: Third Grade, Here He Comes--Hold Your Nose!

2009-09-02T11:53:00.003-04:00

I wasn't allowed to take pictures of him at the end of the driveway.

He insisted on picking out his first day of school outfit, complete with skulls on the front of the shirt AND the back pocket of the jeans.

The other day he had actual REAL manly B.O.

I almost cried as he walked off to the third grade today.

But then I reminded myself that he still needed me to tuck him in at night...even with stinky armpits.

Check back tomorrow after I drop this one off at her first day of preschool:

It's going to be an entirely different story.

Sex and The Suburbs: Moms and Porn

2009-08-26T13:35:00.004-04:00

Head over to SexIs for this week's edition of Sex and The Suburbs, where I lay it all out and tell you what I honestly think about porn and where it fits into being a mom and a wife. If you have anything to say about it, please click here and tell me your opinion!

And, as always, if you haven't taken my motherhood and sex survey, click here and take it!

Thanks moms!

Random Tuesday Thoughts: Toy With Me, Preschool and The Third Grade Blues

2009-08-25T06:00:00.003-04:00

No, you are not hallucinating, I am participating in RANDOM TUESDAY THOUGHTS for the first time in, oh, four months, six days and 22 hours or so (not that I am keeping count). So yeah, head over to Keely's, grab the button and regurgitate some random thoughts of your own. I forgot how much fun it is; seriously, it's better than therapy and you don't get your husband looking at you with that blank stare, grunting "uh-huh."

-Have you been to ToyWithMe.com? Well, if you haven't, you need to get your ass over there, because 1. It's awesome, and 2. It's going to be even more awesome later this week when I begin writing a bi-weekly column on motherhood, marriage, sex, and relationships. Yes people, this Wise Young Mommy has a new gig, so you can get your fix even more often.

What more could you ask for?

-In two short weeks, my 3-year-old daughter will start preschool (SOB, GASP, HICCUP) and my 9-year-old stepson starts third grade. One is very excited for the new adventure, the other not so much. Can you guess which is which? Well, let me just tell you this: when asked if he was excited to go back to school, the 9-year-old Playstation Prodigy replied, with a look that could only be described as utter disgust, "No." That's it. No elaboration, no diatribe on the evils of third grade, just No, plain and simple. I think he is in denial.

-Speaking of denial, I was totally denied a car through Cash for Clunkers so I am starting to think that this whole "government helping us" thing really isn't working. What is up with telling us last week that there was another $2 billion available for all of us driving gasoline guzzling tanks and then ripping it out from underneath us with merely three days' notice? Yeah, not so thrilled with that. My dreams of owning my very first brand new car have been trampled on and squashed. Off I go to the used car dealerships...

-I found THE perfect pair of jeans that make me feel like a sexy, bootylicious slighter fatter (but still smokin' hot), much whiter version of Beyonce. The funny thing is: I have NO idea where they came from. I already asked my husband, calmly and rationally, if he was having an affair with a woman exactly my size who shops at American Eagle, and after he got over being completely offended and self-righteous, he denied said allegations and I was back to wondering how this pair of denim heaven ended up in my laundry basket. The only thing I can think of is that my stepson's mother ended up putting them in his bag by accident, which is unfortunate, because guess what? She's not gettin' these suckers back. They are mine now. My ass would be lost without them. Don't judge me. It isn't very often you find the perfect pair of jeans that flattens your tummy, hugs your ass in all the right spots and slims your thunder thighs.

OK, I think that's all the randomness I have in me today. Remember to go check out Keely at The Un-Mom and also go visit ToyWithMe.com and start subscribing so you don't miss out on any of the awesomeness!

Happy Random Tuesday! It feels good to be back.

Sex and The Suburbs: The Celebumom Phenomenon

2009-08-19T15:13:00.003-04:00

This week the Sex and The Suburbs topic is celebumoms and the mainstream media and how we let ourselves feel bad because of their unrealistic mixed messages. Head on over and check it out--you might relate (or maybe you totally disagree). However you feel, drop me a line by clicking on the link and giving me some feedback or letting me know what you would like to see fleshed out in an upcoming column:

Click Here To Leave Feedback

And if you haven't taken my motherhood and sex survey (and you are indeed a mother), please click on this link to take it:

Click Here To Take Survey

As always, both of these are completely anonymous, so be honest, open up and let me know what's REALLY on your mind ladies!

Learning From Our Mistakes

2009-08-17T10:43:00.005-04:00

"It was just a mistake!"

This is what my daughter now immediately responds with when she does something to get in trouble, such as turn her Playdough bucket upside down, thus covering the livingroom floor in little pieces of dried up playdough and gazillions of little plastic molds and cookie cutters or squirting her juice box creating a six inch stream of juice, or as she just did literally five seconds ago, eating half a bottle of fluoride free toddler toothpaste.

Apparently she has figured out that, in this touchy feely age of parenting in which we are raising our spawn, "everyone makes mistakes" and they are always forgiven. So now wreaking havoc on the household is not, in fact, the acts of a depraved, heathen-esque toddler, but just the mis-steps of a misguided, misunderstood little girl. But because she is sweet, says she is sorry and calls her acts of depravity "mistakes," it's OK and Mommy is going to say "Oh honey, don't worry, everyone makes mistakes."

Unfortunately, this Mommy responds with putting her in time out with a puzzled look on her face as she screams "But Mommy, it was just a mistake!!!"

So how do you explain to a 3-year-old that there is a difference between doing something undesirable without the intent to create chaos and doing something naughty, all the while knowing quite well that it's naughty but then backpedaling by using the "mistake" excuse? A mistake is something you shouldn't have done, correct? In her mind, it's all the same. On one hand, my daughter is very, very smart, but on the other hand, she is still 3. And 3-year-olds subscribe to their own brand of logic that is not easily penetrated by adult rationalization.

So I guess until the day that I can sit her down and explain the difference between intentional actions and unintentional actions, I suppose she is just going to have to learn from these "mistakes." Perhaps she will see a trend in the fact that she gets in trouble for hitting her brother in the face and she doesn't get in trouble when she accidentally spills her cup of juice. And maybe one of these days she will remember how much trouble she got into for pouring Mommy's coffee on her laptop and realize that that is one mistake she does not want to make again.

And in the meantime, I will not be keeping any liquids anywhere near my laptop when my daughter is in the vicinity. See, I can learn from my mistakes too.

Sex and The Suburbs: The Dry Spell

2009-08-12T14:32:00.002-04:00

Head on over to SexIs Magazine and read this week's edition of Sex and The Suburbs, all about the dreaded "dry spell." You know, moms, when you can't remember the last time you saw your husband naked and you are growing cobwebs on your hoo-ha? It happens to the best of us, but there are some ways of breaking out of it and you can read all about it!

Please ladies, I need more feedback from you on what you want me to write about for Sex and The Suburbs. Now you can offer up your stories, ideas, questions, and suggestions for what you would like to read about, completely anonymously, by clicking on this link:

Click Here to Make An Anonymous Suggestion

So head over to the "suggestion box" and sound off on what YOU would like to see in future columns! Thanks!!!

Puppies Are Cute And They Don't Make Your Ass Any Bigger

2009-08-11T09:55:00.002-04:00

Yesterday two momentous things happened in one day that made me want to laugh and cry simultaneously. First, my daughter and I visited the preschool where she will be going two times a week for four hours come September. And second, my 3-year-old aquatic prodigy started swimming all on her own, without the aid of any kind of flotation device.

I am thinking that this means one of two things:

1. We need to have another baby because my baby is growing up too fast.

2. It's time to close up the uterus, get the two kids jobs and start planning for retirement.

Most likely scenario # 1 is going to win out since I am only (almost) 30, and I don't think I am ready to give up on dreams of another tiny, snuggly little poop machine. We're not ready for it right at this moment, but I think it is only a matter of time before I will start feeling phantom
baby kicks and the urge to have a baby take up residence again as I watch my first baby start to look at colleges and consider a career in medicine. Seriously, have I told you how smart she is? It's a little scary. I am expecting her to start preschool and come home reading and writing poetry and prose on the second day and then she won't need me for anything anymore.

First she wipes her own ass. Then she's writing dissertations. It's inevitable.

But, all joking aside, I am so incredibly proud of my little girl and all her achievements. I just wish it would slow down just a little bit.

Yesterday my 9-year-old stepson occupied himself by putting tiny water balloons in my 3-year-old's bathing suit to make her look like a little, miniature Pamela Anderson and I just about had a heart attack. She pranced around, swinging her hips and embracing her newfound curves, and I knew I was in so much trouble. Then he put them in the butt of her suit and you know what she said? "Look, I have a momma butt!"

Cute. Heh.

So I figure since I can't do anything to stop this growing up thing, the best I can do is enjoy all these new accomplishments with her, and consider having another baby to prolong the death of babyhood in the family. But then I look at my "momma butt" and I have second thoughts.

Maybe we should just get a puppy...

Sex and The Suburbs: If You're Freaky and You Know It, Clap Your Hands!

2009-08-05T12:28:00.003-04:00

Today's Sex and The Suburbs column is all about getting a little kinky in the bedroom (and possibly coming away with some bruises and rope burn in the process). Some moms like a little bondage in the bedroom and why not? So how about you? Do you enjoy a little dominant/submissive role play or being handcuffed to the bedposts? Please share your stories and opinions with me!

As always, you can e-mail me at wiseyoungmommy@gmail.com or read the column and then come back and leave me a comment here with your thoughts, stories or questions. And if you are a mother, and you haven't taken my motherhood and sex survey, please click the link and take it now!!!

Click Here to take survey

This book isn't going to write itself and the more stories and feedback I get from real moms out there, the more informative and honest it is going to be. Please, help a momma out!

The Light At The End of The Tunnel

2009-08-03T08:52:00.003-04:00

I have been living with my in-laws for five years.

Yes, this is where your eyes pop out of your head and you feel really bad for me, and preferably send me gifts to show your immense sympathy.

Three years ago this month, we bought a very old house that needed a LOT of work. Little did we know it would need about 347 times the amount of work that we thought it did, and that we would STILL be working on it three years later. Little did we also know that living in a tiny basement apartment with no windows while working from home with two children is likely to drive a mom completely and utterly insane. Sometimes I wonder if we would still have done it if we had known.

But we will never know that, and now we are in the final stages in completely rebuilding our home for us to finally move in. And although my nerves are shot and I am about one step away from rocking back and forth in the fetal position morning to night, we are almost there. We are mere months from being able to move all our possessions into our very own home, with windows and everything.

And I will finally be able to have friends over for play dates. I will be able to do laundry whenever I want to and my husband and I will be able to have sex as loud as we want to, in every room of the house, if we wish. My daughter will have a beautiful, pink princess room of her own instead of being shoved into a spare room full of old books and 30 years of unused Christmas gifts, and we will have closets of our very own--in every room. And all those fabulous gifts we got for our wedding five years ago will be brought out of storage and we will finally be able to enjoy them. To be honest, I don't even remember what half of them were. It will be like my wedding day all over again.

So, as difficult and emotionally tumultuous the past five years have been, and as back breaking and expensive as it has been to turn this 1850's structure into a habitable home, I don't regret it. Because in mere months, I will get to enjoy the freedom and space that I have been without for five years. My husband and I will get to re-acquaint ourselves with living together in our own home, and we will have a kitchen table at which we will sit around and have family dinners with our children. Things that we took for granted before will feel like the greatest gifts, and I will feel like the luckiest woman in the world.

I see the light at the end of the tunnel. And once we step into that light, we will never be in the dark again, because we will always know how lucky we truly are. Is there anything better than that?

I don't think so.

He Blogs, She Blogs: Wiggly Dick?

2009-07-30T09:13:00.001-04:00

Yup, Wiggly Dick. Click the link and find out.

Summer, Where Are You Going? Get Back Here...

2009-07-27T09:40:00.004-04:00

Is anyone else incredulous that it is going to be August in a mere four days? I mean, really, where did the summer go? I am freaking out about the fact that in just over a month, it is going to be time to send my stepson to third grade and my 3-year-old to (GULP) pre-school. There is school shopping to be done, schedules to get back on track and anxieties to be soothed (specifically mine). I am not sure about this whole "letting go" concept and have severely mixed emotions about sending my baby off to be taken care of by strangers. She has never been to day care and never looked after by anyone other than family, so this is going to be a big transition for her. And especially for mommy.

I know she will be fine. She is dying to go and talks every day about going to school. She regularly gets her Dora The Explorer backpack on and tells me "today's the day to go to school." But my heart sinks every time I think about dropping her off with her little backpack and having to drive away home, without her. But another part of me is thrilled to have a few hours a week to be able to get work done without the constant toddler chatter in my ear and the ever present sounds of various cartoon characters on television in the background. I may actually get to sit in silence and work without interruption, and that is a beautiful thing.

But what if she doesn't like it? What if there is a mean kid in her class that takes her toys and pulls her hair and she cries for me, and I am not there? Intellectually, I know that these are all things that every small child may deal with in their first experiences at school, but emotionally, it terrifies me. Right now I am the one to kiss her boo-boos and hug her when she is sad. She relies on me for everything from taking her to the potty to getting her something to drink. And soon I will be passing those responsibilities over to someone else that I do not know. Can I go with her? Please?

They might just have to forcibly remove me from the room on the first day. And maybe on the second too. However, on the third day, I might--just might--go get some coffee and work on getting over it--totally alone.

Yes, that might be nice.

He Blogs, She Blogs: Balls, Balls Everywhere...

2009-07-23T08:37:00.004-04:00

Go check out this week's edition of He Blogs, She Blogs. The Captain and I are talking about SPORTS. If you are anything like me, sports are a big part of your life (against your will, of course).

And there is a really sweet picture of Tom Brady. You're welcome ladies ;)

Sex and The Suburbs: A Little Experimentation Goes a Long Way...

2009-07-22T15:30:00.002-04:00

Go check out this week's column and get some new, exciting ideas on how to spice up the bedroom after kids have come into the picture!

Alive and Kickin'

2009-07-20T11:04:00.004-04:00

Yes, I am still alive. I know I have been rather MIA lately on this blog, and I apologize for that. I also haven't been making my rounds on all of your blogs as often as I used to, and that makes me feel sufficiently craptastic. But as we all know, life can be rather demanding sometimes and I have been dealing with all those pesky things in life such as working, children and trying to stay sane.

The good news is that my daughter is sleeping again. And not only is she sleeping, but she is sleeping GREAT, even better than she was before her sleeping problems arose. I want to thank you all for your awesome advice. It was so helpful to have a variety of advice and things to try from all different kinds of moms and dads with all different experiences. In the end, we went with melatonin (after checking with the doctor) and letting her cry unless she had to go to the bathroom, and in that case one of us would go up, bring her to the bathroom without stimulating conversation and put her back to bed with a simple "I love you, goodnight." It only took about three or four nights, and each night she woke up less often and cried a little less. For the past five nights, she has gone to bed happily, without a problem and slept straight through the night, often sleeping late in the mornings and waking up bright eyed and bushy tailed. No more fears. No more monsters. And she actually enjoys snuggling up in her bed at night again. Can I get a "hallelujah?"

So this mommy is pretty happy because she has gotten lots of much needed sleep in the past week. Yay for sleep! Just like anything, you really take for granted a good night's sleep.

I am taking time this week to take some stock in my life and make some important decisions. I need to simplify, prioritize and downsize, as well as get serious about starting my book proposal. So I will try to visit your blogs, but I may not get to posting around here this week. Captain Dumbass and I will be over at He Blogs, She Blogs on Thursday though, so be sure to check in. And as always, my column over at SexIs Magazine goes up on Wednesday.

Thank you again to everyone for all your support and advice--it is greatly appreciated!

He Blogs, She Blogs: Ladies Night!

2009-07-16T03:00:00.001-04:00

This week at He Blogs, She Blogs, the Captain and I are talking about getting out for Guys/Girls Night Out. Otherwise known for the females as the infamous "Ladies Night." Check it out. And watch this cause Kool and the Gang rules:

Sex and The Suburbs: The Demystification of the Suburban Mother-Goddess Archetype

2009-07-15T10:03:00.002-04:00

Go check out this week's edition of Sex and The Suburbs--it's all about experimentation this week and you won't want to miss it (especially if you are looking for some ideas on how to spice things up in the bedroom!)

Thanks and Happy Wednesday everyone!

We'll Sleep When We're Dead

2009-07-10T09:18:00.002-04:00

My 3-year-old has decided that sleep is for losers.

Because for the past three nights, she has woken up anywhere from three to five times during the night, each time staying awake for hours at a time, crying and screaming hysterically. She needs to go potty. I go bring her to the potty and put her bad in bed, but she wants me to stay with her and cries when I go back to bed. Then she cries that she has to go potty AGAIN 10 minutes later, and when I don't come get her, it turns into screams of terror because she thinks there is a monster in her room. When that goes unanswered, she tries the potty tactic again, and then starts with "it's too dark in my room!" despite the nightlight right next to her bed that illuminates the whole room.

I lay in my bed, listening to her anguish, my stomach in knots and my heart breaking with each wail. I do everything in my power to keep myself in the bed and not upstairs to rescue her from her room and bring her to my bed where she will find peace. When she finally ends up in complete hysterics, I go up to try to soothe her and convince her that she needs to sleep in her own bed and that she is keeping everyone awake with her crying. She asks me to spray the "monster spray" that we have especially for keeping fears away, so I do. She clings to me, pulls me to her bed and begs me to take her downstairs. I lay with her for a few minutes, stroking her cheek and running my fingers through her hair, and as I see her eyelids begin to droop, I ease myself out of the bed.

But then she wakes up and begins crying. And the cycle starts all over again.

This went on from 3 a.m. last night until 5:30 when I finally went and got her out of bed and let her sit on the couch and watch television. I just couldn't listen to her cry anymore. I feel like the worst mother ever, letting my kid cry rather than let her sleep in my bed, but I don't want to lose this fight. We want her to sleep in her own bed, and I know if we let her sleep in ours that she won't learn to feel safe on her own and it will be a bigger fight down the road to break the habit. But I have run out of tactics and know that I can't go on much longer like this. I am sleep deprived, frustrated and angry, which is not a good combination. I am having a hard time concentrating during the day and my patience is wearing thin because I am so tired.

I need some advice. Please, if you have any words of wisdom about toddlers and night waking, I would greatly appreciate you sharing it. We already do a soothing bedtime routine, she goes to bed nice and early, we spray lavender spray in the room to calm her and keep the "monsters" away, and she gets soothing music. When she wakes up, I let her cry unless she needs to go the the bathroom, and then I go bring her to the bathroom and put her back in bed. I soothe her, tell her there is nothing to be afraid of and that mommy and daddy are right downstairs and she is safe. Then I leave her to her crying until she gets too hysterical and if I think she is really getting out of control, I go back to check on her and soothe her a bit more. Is there anything else I can try? Should I completely ignore her crying and never go see to her unless she is sick or hurt? What else can I do?

Please help. I know there is probably no magic answer for this problem, but if you have any suggestions or things that have worked for you and your children, I would love to hear it.

Thank you from this very tired mommy.

He Blog, She Blogs: Halo Edition

2009-07-09T09:31:00.002-04:00

Hey everyone. He Blogs, She Blogs is up (despite my extreme tardiness) if you would like to go take a gander at what the Captain and I think about video games. I think we finally disagree on something...

A Piece Of Advice

2009-07-08T08:43:00.003-04:00

So, say your 3-year-old is kind enough to sleep nice and late one morning so you get some peaceful, relaxing quiet time all to yourself. And let's just imagine that your 9-year-old also sleeps late. Then, hypothetically speaking, you write about said children sleeping late and how absolutely divine it is and everyone is jealous and they tell you how lucky you are.

Well, don't get too excited, because you may have just jinxed yourself and that night the 3-year-old might just decide to cry ALL NIGHT LONG and then wake up at 5 a.m. ready and raring to go, and you might cry because you are so tired and kick yourself for bragging about how your kids were sleeping late because now the sleep gods are totally FUCKING WITH YOU.

Hypothetically speaking, of course.

The Sound of Silence

2009-07-07T09:11:00.003-04:00

As I sit here this morning, with a fantastic cup of coffee at my right and my laptop at my fingertips, I am enjoying something that I very rarely have the pleasure of enjoying.

Silence.

We take it for granted, don't we? Just being able to sit in peace and quiet, allowing thoughts to come in and out of our heads in a complete evolution, without the interruption of a whine, a cry or a call for help. There were days many years ago when I would enjoy silence for hours at a time, and would usually try to fill the silence with music, television or conversation. Now I yearn for it, and bask in it when I am lucky enough to be surrounded by it.

In other words, thank you, my sweet, darling daughter, for sleeping late this morning.

Harsh Reality (Warning: Brutally Honest and Raw)

2009-07-02T11:13:00.005-04:00

I have had to come to terms with a harsh reality as of late:

I can't do everything.

It sucks. It really does. I mean, I know that is the nature of a "harsh reality" by definition, but I really have a hard time wrapping my brain around the fact that I am not Alpha Mom, and I never will be.

Since finally becoming a paid writer, it has become glaringly obvious that people were not meant to work full time from home with children unless they have a nanny. I mean, seriously people, I have a hard enough time taking care of myself, the children, my husband, the house, and the dog, and then throwing on top of that a blog, two regular writing gigs, writing a book, and a part time editing job just basically makes me a flighty, chicken with her head cut off mess. I would like to say that I am putting my husband and children first all the time, but unfortunately I am not (most of the time, yes, but not all the time). And I am forgetting things, letting things go that I shouldn't, and definitely not showering as often as I should.

But the conundrum is: what do I let go of? We can't afford for me to quit any of my jobs, and I love what I am doing. Writing this book could be a huge turning point for our family, so I don't want to abandon that project. And I love my blog and all my readers and would never want to stop posting here. I have already cut back my showering as much as is hygienically practical, and I haven't been working out at all because I literally do not have the time. The only thing that I could do is stop my one hobby that I do to decompress and relax, and that is reading. But then, what am I left with for me?

Do I accept that at this point in my life there just is no place for "me" time? Do I suck it up and realize it is a sacrifice for my career and the well-being of my family? I don't know the answer to this question, and I am not asking for you all to solve it for me. I just need to send this problem out into the universe, with the hopes that it will knock something loose in my head to enlighten me.

Don't get me wrong, I am THRILLED with my professional success, and I love being at home with my kids; I wouldn't give it up for the world. But at what point do I realize that I am spread just a little too thin? God forbid, something really suffered because of it, and I would never be able to forgive myself. And I hate that my daughter, at 3 years old, doesn't understand that I don't want to have to say no when she asks me to play with her sometimes. I have been trying to get the kids out to do activities and fun things, but that just means that when I am at home, I have to basically be chained to my laptop.

Advice is welcome, but please no attacks on me being a terrible mother who needs to quit her jobs and spend more time with her children. This is a very honest post, very close to my heart, and I would appreciate some respect for the fact that this is the life that I chose, to work and be with my kids. And no, it isn't perfect, and no, I can't devote myself to them 100% of the time 100% of the day. But I am doing my best. And that's all I know how to do.

Sex and The Suburbs: The S-E-X Talk

2009-07-01T11:30:00.004-04:00

Today's edition of Sex and The Suburbs is all about talking to your kids about you and your mate's nighttime antics. I would love it if you would go read, and let me know what you think in the forum post below or send me an e-mail with your feedback, stories, etc.

Also, you can now take my motherhood and sex survey here:

Click Here to take survey

Just click on the link, answer the questions and it is completely anonymous! Your information may be used in a future column, or in my book.

Thanks everyone, Happy Wednesday!

Just Call Me Mrs. Jackson--In Honor of a Legend

2009-06-29T11:14:00.001-04:00

The following is a re-post of a Humor Carnival post I wrote back in October about growing up in the 80's. I hereby resurrect this little gem for y'all in remembrance of a great performer, and my very first love, Michael Jackson. Yes, he was creepy, disturbed and controversial in his later years, but I loved me some Michael back in the day...enjoy!

When I was six years old, I wanted to marry Michael Jackson. I had this super hot poster of him in a yellow sweater vest (yes, I said sweater vest, so what?) and he's all suave and serious, pouting at the camera and his geri curl was all shiny and voluminous and I just stared at that photo and wondered what it would be like to be Mrs. Michael Jackson.

OK, well now I know what it would have been like--CROWDED--with all the little kids and monkeys in bed with us. But back then there was nothing more I would have loved than spending every day and night with him and being his "pretty young thing." Macaulay Culkin has all the luck...

As a dreadfully misguided 6-year-old, I had another crush that was destined to be unrequited. OK, if you laugh at me here, I will kick your ass. No I won't, because you have every right to laugh at me. I loved (oh God, I can't believe I am admitting this--it's all for the friggin' Humor Bloggers carnival, I'll have to keep telling myself that)...

Boy George.

Yes, NOW I know that he was (is) flamingly gay, but people, I was only SIX!! Cut me some frikkin' slack, would ya? I just loved his hat and his clothes and it was oh-so-mysterious how he would wear eye makeup, and I was just all ENAMORED over him and his melancholy tunes. I had the vinyl record single of "Do You Really Want to Hurt Me?" and I remember playing it over and over again in my parents' livingroom, swaying to the music and pretending that I was onstage with my beloved, cross-dressing boy, singing back up.

Yeah, so it was the eighties, OK? Stop judging me.

I also rocked the Punky Brewster look with the scarves tied around my leg. And how I loved to wear, like, SIX pairs of scrunchy socks and layer them so my ankles looked like a verifiable rainbow. Don't forget, the pants HAD to be pegged for this look to work, so when my mom bought me straight leg pants--OH MY GOD--you just cannot peg straight legs, you need tapered legs, and I just couldn't see how she didn't understand that! But of course in her day, she wore bell bottoms, which to me back then were the most hideous item of clothing you could ever pull on your body, but what do I wear today? Flared leg jeans, which are pretty much bell bottoms, so I guess I am biting my tongue now about all the times I made fun of my mom's bell bottoms. Whatever.

Now, THE coolest thing about my childhood in the eighties was the year that my mother dressed me as Madonna for Halloween, and if I really loved y'all I would post the pic here, but really, I don't know you ALL that well and that picture could end up in the hands of someone that would abuse its powers and nobody wants that. So instead I will paint for you the image of me, at 7 years old, in fishnet tights, a short black miniskirt, a black jacket with a gold lamee pyramid on it that my mother MADE (she's totally tubular, you know), and enough eye makeup to sink a ship. Yes, I had seen Desperately Seeking Susan and there was nothing cooler than Madonna in that movie, she was just such a bad ass. So I walked around our neighborhood, pretty much looking like my mother had allowed me to dress as a prostitute for Halloween, and it was the BEST HALLOWEEN EVER.

I think I got more candy that year, really I do.

Stay tuned for my post about the golden years of the nineties, complete with Doc Martens, flannel shirts and a very calamitous tale of piercing my own belly button. I will save that one for when you've been really good...and I might even share some pictures...

MAYBE

Hooray for He Blogs, She Blogs Day

2009-06-25T08:01:00.003-04:00

Nothing to see here folks, head over to He Blogs, She Blogs, where Captain Dumbass and I are expounding on the art of driving.

Plus, there's a really funny picture of a cat over there. So go...now.

Not Now Dear, I Have a Headache...

2009-06-23T10:00:00.000-04:00

Go check out today's edition of Sex and The Suburbs about getting it on with the kids in the house. It will be good for some laughs and just maybe some valuable insight. Maybe.

And the time has come yet again for me to reach out to you, my wonderful and faithful readers, for some feedback for my column. It's all about the age-old story, when dad rolls over and starts to rub mom's shoulders, letting him know he's in the mood and mom just...isn't.

So we all know that honesty is the best policy and we shouldn't have to tell little white lies to our partners to get out of sex, but it is a reality that sometimes mom just doesn't feel sexy or is just really, really tired, and maybe she doesn't want to hurt dad's feelings, or perhaps she is constipated and really doesn't want to share that particular tidbit with her honey--WHATEVER. Then there are the times when you do it even though you don't feel like it...so how do you get the point across that you just aren't into it or that you would like it to be more like a one minute mile rather than a distance marathon? Or does your hubby do something that always makes you want to do it (maybe he is the king of foreplay or knows just the right thing to say to you to make you want to jump in the sack)?

Whatever it is, I need all the moms out there to send me your experiences with this. After a long day of changing diapers, working, taking care of the house, whatever it is you may do, when hubby decides he wants some nookie, and he wants it NOW (and you don't), how do you brush him off? Maybe you are like me, and you do it anyway, but give him subtle hints to keep it short this time. Perhaps you get really creative...whatever it is, I need to know!

You can e-mail me at sexandthesuburbs2009@gmail.com or leave it in the comments section of this post, but either way if it is used in the column it will be completely anonymous. All names will be changed to protect the innocent (or not so innocent, as the case may be).

This edition of Sex and The Suburbs will go up two weeks from today, and it will be all about getting in the mood, what works and what doesn't and how we communicate with our partners when we just aren't feelin' it. It's going to be funny, but hopefully informative. But it will be much better if I hear from all of you!

Lastly, I am getting serious about getting the book version of Sex and The Suburbs written, so if anyone out there has any tips or resources for me for getting it published, please pass them along. I would greatly appreciate it! I also still need plenty more moms to fill out my motherhood and sex survey, so if you haven't yet and you are interested, please e-mail me so I can send it to you!

Thanks everyone! Have a fantastic Wednesday!

San Diego, How Do I Love Thee?

2009-06-23T08:00:00.000-04:00

As some of you may know, I went to San Diego with my husband last week for four whole days of being sans children in a gorgeous city, with absolutely nothing to do.

It was heaven.

Can I just tell you that I used to HATE being alone? No, I mean it, the last thing I would ever have wanted to do was spend four days all by myself, going places in a strange city on my own and having hours of uninterrupted quiet. But now? After 8 years of being a parent and not even getting to go to the bathroom alone--it's my new nirvana.

Since hubby was in San Diego for a convention, that meant that my days were all for me. I set it up so I didn't have to do much work, but I brought the laptop so I could Facebook and Twitter in bed in the hotel room about all my fabulous adventures. I also had my very first IM meeting with my editor without my 3-year-old screaming and pulling on me before, during and after. I could actually concentrate on thoughts in my head, and I even took naps. NAPS! But the coolest thing was that I got out of the hotel and explored San Diego solo, something that makes me extremely proud.

The first day I simply walked down the street from the hotel looking for a convenience store for some drinks and snacks, but I did make friends with a rather nice cabby who gave me a card and told me it would be about 30 bucks to get to La Jolla the next day, where I was planning to go. I took these pictures along the way:

Yes, those are palm trees! OK, you can commence making fun of me that I was so excited to see actual palm trees that were not planted in a pot that I took pictures of them. But you will probably make fun of me more for this one:

I took this one because the landscaping at the hotel next to ours was really pretty. Yes, I am lame. Whatever.

So then I went and had lunch at the hotel restaurant, only the second time I have ever sat in an establishment and eaten by myself. May I just add that the restaurant was called the Tickled Trout? Best. Restaurant. Name. Ever.

That night we went to Old Town, the oldest part of San Diego where the Mexicans originally settled. We had dinner at La Pinata, which was a little Mexican restaurant filled with, you guessed it--pinatas! We also got serenaded by a dude with a guitar and another dude gave me a rose and then promptly looked to my husband for payment. HA! now that's the way to make a sale! Here we are at dinner"

Believe it or not, I had only had one beer, despite the fact that I look totally smashed in this picture. It must be the glasses...

We walked around Old Town and bought souvenirs that night and also had drinks at the Tickled Trout when we got back. We met an awesome bartender named Pete and an old Mexican dude named Mariano DelGado who taught us how to make pineapple salad with chile pepper and salt. He claims it is awesome. I took his word for it.

Also, the bartender totally got rid of my husband's hiccups by having him eat a lemon with bitters on it. it seriously worked--IMMEDIATELY. I have never seen anything like it. That reminds me that I have to run out and get some bitters...

So the next day I decided that I wanted to do something special and pamper myself so I made an appointment with this upscale salon (well, upscale to me who likes to pay $12 or less for a haircut) called Dearinger, and had an incredible haircutting experience with my stylist, Mitsu who was the coolest Japanese guy with a bleached blond mohawk on the back of his head. I could barely understood a word that he said but he styled me up good, complete with head massage, aromatherapy and hot, moist towels...ahhhhhh. I really wanted to take a picture of him, but I felt a little weird, so I chickened out. But here is a picture of the salon:

After my haircut, I just walked the streets of La Jolla, towards the ocean, cause I figured it would lead me to the beach. Which it did. And there were actual surfers there! I had never seen real life surfers in person before, so I was pretty stoked (yes, we have already established that I am SUPER lame). Walking down to the beach, I took this picture because it made me feel like I was in a movie:

Doesn't that look like a scene from a movie? Yeah, I thought so too.

Once I was on the beach, of course I took pictures of the surfers cause they were, like, totally rad:

I walked on the beach for a while, then headed back to downtown La Jolla where I did some shopping, had coffee at a Starbucks and called for a cab. I felt so grown up and brave traveling around by myself.

That night we had dinner with clients at an awesome Italian restaurant on Pacific Beach called Cafe Bella Italia. The food was delish and the clients were awesome--straight from Banglor, India, the owner of the company is a woman and mom of two grown kids and SO smart and wordly. I was thoroughly impressed at the woman power sitting next to me.

The next day was my day to totally veg out and I did almost nothing. I watched a movie on my laptop, slept for THREE HOURS and goofed off on Facebook and Twitter. I couldn't remember the last time I had stayed in my pj's all day and laid around in bed. Awesome with a capital "A." Then that night we had dinner at Joe's Crab Shack, where I did not eat crabs because I don't like seafood, but the steak I had was pretty good. The Sea Turtle Brownie Sundae, however, was AMAZING.

The trip was about three or four days too short, though, and we had to leave early the next morning to come home. Here I am on the plane:

I look pretty happy for someone who was crammed into a window seat half the size of my ass with my knees up around my chin. American Airlines seating certainly leaves something to be desired and its starking contrast to the Jet Blue flight we had on the way in made it that much harder. But thankfully, we had a nice tail wind that brought us into Boston in about 5 hours, rather than over 6, like we had the first time. I got some work done, watched half of Twilight on my laptop and drank some really bad coffee and ate a HUGE chocolate chip cookie.

That's it. We got home safely, went and picked up my daughter, which was the absolutely highlight of the day since I had missed her a ton! We also picked up the dog, who I must admit, was a little more excited to see us than our daughter was, but you know how dogs are. And 3-year-olds.

All I have to say is, San Diego, I heart you. And I can't wait to go back. A big thank you to my husband, because the trip would not have been possible if it hadn't been for his convention. And because of said convention, I got to enjoy my newfound love of alone time.

But I must admit, I am pretty psyched for the next business trip because me and the kids might be going and it is somewhere I have never been...

DISNEY WORLD HERE WE COME!!!!!!!!!!!!

Silly Questions

2009-06-19T14:00:00.003-04:00

At swimming class today, my 3-year-old daughter was swimming and having a grand old time. Her swim instructor and I got to talking and I told her how she had been playing her new guitar that we got her in San Diego non-stop and that she had told us of her new desire to be a rockstar. To prove to her that she had, indeed, said this, I asked her "Baby Girl, what are you going to be want you grow up?"

She looked at me like I was the 3-year-old and had just asked the most ridiculous question she had ever heard. I repeated myself, thinking maybe she hadn't heard the question, to which she sighed, rolled her eyes and replied matter-of-factly:

"A grown up."

The look on her face clearly said "Mom, you ask the silliest questions, what do you think I am going to grow into, an aardvark?"

I laughed about this all the way home.

Reality Bites

2009-06-18T10:38:00.003-04:00

Well, I am back from San Diego and may I just say it EFFING ROCKS??!! It was gorgeous, the weather was great and I spent mucho time relaxing in the hotel room, getting work done in the peace and quiet, taking afternoon naps, and exploring San Diego on my own while hubby was at the convention. It was an incredible vacation, which has rejuvenated me for the long, hot summer ahead in which I wait rather impatiently for my house to be completed and work my ass off trying to write my book, all while keeping the children sufficiently entertained. Thank you to my wonderful husband for bringing me along--it was a GODSEND!

But I must admit, I missed my kids something fierce and was practically tearing the armrest off the passenger seat of the van as we drive down my mother's street to pick up my daughter. Although I could have used a few more days in sunny San Diego, I am not quite sure I could have lasted that long without some kisses and hugs from my babies.

So here I am, back to reality. There is a lot to be done, and I am way behind, plus I left my planner in the hotel room in SD, even though I scoured the room and was positive I hadn't forgotten anything. So, needless to say, I am feeling quite a bit discombobulated today. Because of this, we are skipping He Blogs, She Blogs this week, and I am going to put off a post full of details and pics from my trip for another day when I don't have the weight of the world on my shoulders. Throw in the fact that Father's Day is this weekend and I may just explode! AAAGGGGHHH!!!

However, yesterday my column went up over at SexIs Magazine, so feel free to go read that because it was written weeks ago when I was much more put-together. And please, PLEASE comment on the forum post under the article and give me some feedback. I need all the moms out there to interact with me if I am going to get this book written. Plus, I just want to know what you think so I can keep making the column better for y'all.

So head over there:...and I promise soon I will have a fantastic post complete with pictures all about San Diego!

I'm Rubber and You're Glue and Everything You Say Bounces Off Me and Sticks To You

2009-06-12T09:03:00.003-04:00

I think I won the award for the longest blog post title ever. Well, maybe not, cause The Bloggess has some LONG ASS titles sometimes. Oh well.

Anyway, the reason for this post is that I have been party to some negativity lately and I want to talk about it. I am a SUPER sensitive person and don't deal well with people being meanie buckets, but I realize that putting yourself out there on the internet is opening yourself up to criticism, people who don't agree with you, and just downright nasty people. I also don't really enjoy drama (as unbelievable as that may seem) and will usually choose to ignore someone that is being negative and mean rather than confront them and create a scene. But this last incident struck a chord with me that made it impossible for me to ignore it. This person attacked my character as a wife and mother. And that just ain't cool.

This person left this comment on He Blogs, She Blogs:

"Petra. Sounds like you're the bad cop. All you blog about is losing your patience with the children. And then you only have bad things to say about Captain Dumbass. What kind of lover and parent are you?"

To which I read, almost threw up, couldn't see straight with fury and then responded with this:

"Obviously you don't read my blog and read about how much I love and adore my children and my husband, and you apparently have no sense of humor either, because my comment to Captain Dumbass was completely in jest.

I am being honest with my readers about losing my patience with the kids, because ALL PARENTS DO, no matter how much they love them.

Ever heard if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all? I am an AWESOME lover and parent, and you have NO right to judge me. What kind of person are you, going around leaving your first comment on someone's blog and making it nasty and accusatory?"

Now, I need to know, did I do the right thing here? Should I have turned the other cheek and been the bigger person and ignored it? I didn't feel it was right to delete it, because he has just as much right to leave his opinion in a public forum as anyone else, but why is it necessary to be such an ass?

Am I wrong here people? I honestly want to know. Is it appropriate to leave nasty comments on other people's blogs? I don't think so, but maybe I have a skewed vision of blogging and what it should be. I don't expect everyone to agree with me, nor like me. But in my opinion, if you don't agree or like me, let me know in a respectful way or move along to a blog that has what you are looking for.

Maybe I am totally off base...

He Blogs, She Blogs: Dirty Harry Edition

2009-06-11T08:15:00.002-04:00

Go read He Blogs, She Blogs and all about how Captain Dumbass is like Dirty Harry and his wife is an Asian version of Danny Glover. Seriously, that dude is funny.

Sex and The Suburbs: The Post-Baby Body Dilemma

2009-06-10T09:05:00.003-04:00

Hey everyone, head over to Sexis and read this week's edition of Sex and The Suburbs, which focuses on BODY IMAGE and the post-baby body blues. I am still suffering from this, and yes, my daughter is 3 years old.

And please look for the forum post underneath the article started by me and give me your feedback!

XOXO Smooches XOXO

Calling All Parents Who Have Had to Tell Their Children That Mommy and Daddy Were Just "Wrestling"

2009-06-09T00:00:00.000-04:00

OK, so it's not for something as noble and important as serving your country in the line of duty, but it's pretty important.

I want you to send me your stories of your children walking in on you and your spouse, significant other, etc. doing the horizontal mambo OR your stories of walking in on YOUR parents having sex back in the day. I want to know how it happened, how you felt, what you said, all the dirty details that will help enhance my upcoming column for Sex and The Suburbs, all about getting it on with rugrats in the casa.

So come on people, I know you have some stories! Send them to sexandthesuburbs2009@gmail.com. As always, you will remain completely anonymous; I respect your privacy!

And look out for my Sex and The Suburbs column tomorrow at Sexis Magazine. It's all about moms and body image, something I know lots of y'all can relate to!

Letter To My Son's Friends

2009-06-08T13:48:00.003-04:00

Dear 8 and 9-Year-Old Boys Who Came To My Son's Sleepover Party Saturday Night,

Thank you for making me realize that my son may not be the worst behaved kid everywhere we go, and for making me appreciate the silence and lack of complete chaos and fear of setting anything on fire after you left. Please remind me if I ever offer to have a sleepover ever again that you are all absolutely out of control, inappropriate, rude, disgusting, and obnoxious, and either urge me to rescind the invitation or invest in ear plugs, a large amount of Xanax and sleeping pills.

Oh yeah, and thanks for coming.

Sincerely,
Big Boy's Mom (you know, the woman with glasses that you paid absolutely no attention to on Saturday night)

P.S. This does not apply to you, Sam, the well-behaved boy who was mild-mannered, polite and sweet and made me and my husband laugh, as well as knew a lot about baseball and made us want to adopt you. You, we would like to see again. We're willing to sweeten up the deal if you would spend more time with our son and rub off on him a bit. Thanks a bunch.

I Knew There Was Something I Was Supposed To Do...

2009-06-04T17:47:00.003-04:00

Um, yeah, today is He Blogs, She Blogs.

I gloated and got all cocky cause I actually got my post done first this week, and then ruined it all by forgetting to put up this little reminder post on my blog.

DOH!

Go read He Blogs, She Blogs, please, if you will, if you haven't already.

Thanks.

Sincerely,
The REAL Dumbass

Sex and The Suburbs is Here!

2009-06-03T10:31:00.003-04:00

The day has come--Sex and The Suburbs, my weekly column at Sexis Magazine, has finally been launched!

Go forth, read and enjoy!

Random Tuesday Thoughts: Don't Hate Me Cause I Suck

2009-06-02T08:19:00.002-04:00

It's Tuesday people. You know what that means. Occasionally, on Tuesdays, I like to participate in a little thing called Random Tuesday Thoughts, hosted by Keely over at The Un-Mom and Kelly at Baby Boogers. Lately I have been slacking big time, but I swear I am trying to get my shit together. But there's a lot of shit, so be patient with me.

First of all, I apologize for being such a suck-tastic blogging friend and not visiting anyone's blogs, but literally, it is like my life has imploded and I just can't seem to stuff it all back into it's proper place so that I can efficiently manage my time. Seriously, I feel like I am always two steps behind, and by the time I get to 9 or 10 o'clock in the evening, I am beyond the point of catching up and I am forced to just pass out from sheer exhaustion. I am not being dramatic here people. OK, maybe I am being a little dramatic, but it's warranted, I promise.

Tomorrow my column, Sex and The Suburbs, starts over at SexIs Magazine! I am pretty stoked, but I am also terrified that it is going to bomb and nobody is going to read it and when you go there you will hear crickets from the lack of interest. So if you like me even a little bit, PLEASE go and read it. And tell your friends too, the more the merrier. I am still looking for lots of moms to contribute so spread the word! Hopefully you won't be disappointed, and you won't have to send me a courtesy e-mail lying to me about how you really enjoyed reading it. Fingers crossed.

So I am still sick. And I still can't see out of my right eye. Plus, I am getting really tired of complaining about it. So that's all I am going to say about that.

Blogger has really been pissing me off lately. I had the video of Sasha Baron Cohen as Bruno's ass falling on Eminem's face for you because it is hilarious, but somehow I can't paste the code into the post without deleting all the rest of the text. So, go to youtube and search for "Bruno MTV Movie Awards" and watch it. Cause it will make you laugh till you snort. Unless you have no sense of humor.

Happy Random Tuesday!

He Blogs, She Blogs: The Mall Edition

2009-05-28T10:05:00.003-04:00

Hey everyone, head over to He Blogs, She Blogs for mine and the Captain's viewpoint on shopping. Please forgive me for the lack of spaces in my post but Blogger is being an asshole and I somehow can't fix it. My post sucks anyway, so you have my permission to skip mine and just pretend that you read it.

You're welcome.

Not Even Close to Wordless Wednesday: A Pirate's Life For Me--AARRRGGGGHHH UPDATED

2009-05-26T20:49:00.008-04:00

Leave it to me to have some of the best news of my life come along during one of the worst medical periods of my existence. I find out I have a weekly paid column in which I will be able to gather research and publicize my book, alongside finding out I have mono and then find out I am getting a raise for said job the day before I realize the reason I can't see out of my right eye is that I have a corneal abrasion along with a good old dash of edema on my eye, which makes me have to close my right eye to be able to see anything and it hurts, burns and weeps all day long.

I seriously considered buying an eye patch to save myself all the squinting, but abandoned that idea when I realized that I really don't need any help making myself look like a complete doofus. But I still can't resist the urge to mutter "argh" at regular intervals throughout the day.

The good news is that I got new glasses that are cute and comfy. The bad news is that I still can't see. But here they are:

Oh yeah, there is more good news. My weekly column, Sex and The Suburbs, over at SexIs Magazine is set to launch next Wednesday, June 3rd! Then you will be able to check out my sexy mommy musings every Wednesday after that! And look at the purty graphic that my graphic designer maiven, Mel "Mommy Doodles" Amorim made for it (picture courtesy of Sara LeeAnn Benevedes from The Bunny Cage):

Isn't it totally HOT? It sure makes me want to get it on in the suburbs. I am hoping that people think that is my ass in the photo, but in reality it is Sara's. This photo is from a series she has done called F*ck Being a Housewife and it is INCREDIBLE. You can check out her photography at her Etsy Store. She is my hero--so hot and talented.

So that's it. I guess you got a little bit of Wordless Wednesday mixed with a dash of Random Tuesday all jumbled up with my regular rants and raves. Maybe one of these days I will have the time and lucidity to write you a real post with clear, concise thoughts and an actual point. But for now, "you get what you get and you don't get upset."

Be sure to check out He Blogs, She Blogs tomorrow where we tackle the hard hitting issue of shopping. Should be fun. Better than pirate rants, at least.

******UPDATE******

I was just notified that my first article on SexIs Magazine is up today!! It is called Eroticism and The Executive Branch: The Sex Lives of The Presidents. I hope you will go read it and I REALLY hope you like it!

9 Years Ago Today...

2009-05-24T08:43:00.001-04:00

My stepson pushed his way into this world.

A year later he pushed himself into my world, and it has never been the same.

Happy birthday Big Boy. Thank you for changing my life.

Love,
Mimmy

Out of the Mouth of My 3-Year-Old...

2009-05-22T09:23:00.004-04:00

This week has been a doozie for my 3-year-old daughter's little attitude, which seems to be heading in a scary direction, so I decided to make note of all the funny and/or obnoxious things she said this week. See that little face over at the left? Picture that face saying these things. Read them and then say a prayer for me please.

#1. "Where are my bunny ears? I am a bunny of the night." Hopefully this isn't an early career choice...

# 2. "I'm not going to sleep tonight Mommy. I am going to stand up in my bed all night long." Thankfully, she didn't.

#3. "I'm naked and here I come!" While I was in the shower and she decided she wanted to join me.

#4. "No, YOU calm down Mommy. I am fine." Which, of course, infuriated me.

#5. "Mommy needs a time out." Which I definitely did, I am sure. But I don't get such luxuries. Can I have a time out please?

#6. " Look at my boobies, they are getting bigger!" Um, WHAT?

#7. "Mommy, you don't want to work right now. Your computer looks tired." No, it's Mommy who looks tired, dear.

#8. "Brandon, you're a genius!" After he showed her how she could put her inflatable chair on top of the couch and slide off onto the floor. Just great.

#9. "I don't want Daddy to go to work. Mommy is cranky." So true, so true.

And finally:

#10. "I don't want to be a good girl. I am a bad girl!"

So you see why I need the prayers now? Yeah, keep 'em comin' please. Thanks a bunch.

Late Again: It's He Blogs, She Blogs Day!

2009-05-21T13:27:00.002-04:00

Sorry I am late again. It seems my brain can't handle all the things it is supposed to be paying attention to lately and I keep messing up. Anywho, there's a post over at He Blogs, She Blogs about the kitchen, so go check it out and leave a comment. Remember, we are looking for suggestions for topics, so make some!

And have a very nice day.

(Not So) Wordless Wednesday: The Carrie Bradshaw of the Suburbs?

2009-05-20T01:00:00.000-04:00

In the upcoming weeks, look for my new weekly column called "Sex and The Suburbs" over at SexIs magazine at Edenfantasys.com!

Yes, I am now a columnist, hoping to become the Carrie Bradshaw of the suburbs (yeah right, I am NOT that fashionable and definitely not that skinny). The column will revolve around my journey writing my book, Sex and The Suburbs: The Secret Sex Lives of Soccer Moms, and you are all a crucial part of that process so you better read and participate. I will use the information, stories and inspirations from the column to put together the final product and put it out there to be published.

Thank you for all of your support over the past months when I was searching for the right opportunity that would open the doors I needed opened. It has finally happened and a big part of me not giving up was all you readers encouraging me. I love you all and am immensely grateful.

So thanks, and happy reading!

P.S. I am sorry for being behind on visiting all your blogs, but my schedule is pretty tight lately. I promise to try to get to all of you soon!

P.P.S. Oh yeah, and also check me out at Examiner.com, where I am starting as The Boston Motherhood Examiner this week!

Calling all Suburban Moms!

2009-05-15T08:44:00.004-04:00

Are you a soccer mom who has sex? Or are you a PTA mom who doesn't have sex anymore but wishes she did? Are you a mom who has been loving sex since you lost your virginity in the backseat of your boyfriend's car in high school or a mom who lost her virginity on her wedding night? Are you a mom who wants to share your sex life for the benefit of other moms?

If you answered yes to any of the above questions, then I want you!

"Want" meaning I would love for you to participate in a book I am writing about Suburban moms and their sex lives called Sex and The Suburbs: The Secret Sex Lives of Soccer Moms. I am compiling the deep, dark, dirty (and not so dirty) secrets of soccer moms to put together a piece that shows just how diverse us suburban, mini van driving moms can be behind closed doors. The whole point of the book is not only to provide for provocative, interesting reading, but to prove wrong the belief that sex has to end after kids and marriage, and if you are struggling with it, you are not alone. Maybe the mom next door loves bondage, but thinks she is the only one. Maybe that mother sitting next to you at basketball practice is ashamed because she has no sex drive after four kids and 20 years of marriage. Or perhaps the day care provider down the street has only had sex with her husband and now has fantasies about all the sex with other men she has missed out on. Whatever the case, we all have our issues and stories to tell, and most likely whatever you are going through is not unique. I want to tell the stories and explore the issues, in hopes of helping moms come to terms with their sex lives, good, bad or ugly.

Be advised, if you agree to participate, it will be COMPLETELY anonymous and I will never share your information with anyone. You can even send it to me anonymously if you would like. Simply cut and paste the questions below into an e-mail and send it to me with a brief description of what kind of mom you are, such as married or single, gay or straight, how many kids, working or stay at home mom, what part of the country in general you live in, etc. If I use your information, I will either use no name at all or I will use a fake name nowhere near your real name (if you provide it to me). And your information will be guarded with my life and all identifying information will be blacked out in my files.

So come on ladies, you know you want to dish! Help a sista out and fill out the information below (whatever is pertinent to you and you feel comfortable answering) and send it to me at wiseyoungmommy@gmail.com. If the book gets published, I promise to provide each of you with a signed copy and a small stipend. And if that isn't enough, you will know that you are helping to change a whole generation's (and maybe generations to come) attitude and view of sex after kids, marriage and life. So grab a martini or a glass of wine and have fun answering!

How do you feel your sex life has changed (if at all) since you had kids, got married, etc.?

Do you have as much sex now that you have children as before? If you are married, do you have as much sex as before you got married?

How often do you have sex?

What is the kinkiest sex you have ever had?

Have you ever had sex with someone of the same sex?

Have you ever had a threesome or group sex? (if so, give a brief explanation)

Do you consider yourself gay or bisexual?

Have you and your partner ever tried swinging?

Do you have an “open” relationship with your spouse (are you each allowed to have sexual relations with others outside the marriage)?

How often do you have sex?

Are you satisfied with your sex life, and if not, why?

What would you change about your sex life if you could?

What is the most interesting, kinkiest, etc. sex you and your partner have had? How often do you experiment with new things in the bedroom?

What is your favorite kind of sex with your partner(s)?

Do you or your partner watch pornography?

If your spouse/partner looks at pornography, how do you feel about it?

Would you ever tape you and your partner having sex?

Have you ever role played, dressed in costumes, etc.?

Have you ever used bondage or been dominant/submissive with your partner?

Do you use sex toys, and if so, what do you use?

Do you feel differently about your body since having children, and if so, how?

How do you feel about sex after having children?

Do you feel as comfortable with your body and sexy as you did before having children?

What is your biggest insecurity involving your body, sex, etc?

Do you think it is possible for parents to have as fulfilling and exciting a sex life as before children, marriage, etc.?
Are you embarrassed or ashamed at anything you have done sexually?

Do you worry what people might think of they knew what you did behind closed doors?

Do you think your husband/partner is satisfied with your sex life?

How do you think you could improve your sex life?

Name one thing you have always wanted to try sexually.

Thanks ladies!

Go Forth and Read: He Blogs, She Blogs

2009-05-14T08:50:00.005-04:00

OK people, it's the day you have all been waiting for. There is a fly little post waiting for you over at the brand new He Blogs, She Blogs blog so head over there NOW, read what Captain Dumbass and I had to say and leave a comment!

Seriously, leave a comment because the Captain's self-esteem has been seriously dwindling lately and I just can't afford the increase in therapy bills.

And don't forget to tell us what topic you want us to discuss in the future. With the new format, we need hard-hitting issues to fill a whole post so don't be shy. From bestiality to transgender pregnancy, nothing is off limits!! Well, maybe bestiality.

So go forth, read and be merry. I am going to go have a glass of champagne to celebrate, which also makes the comments much more fun to read. Seriously, try it. You'll thank me for it.

Cheers!

(Almost) Wordless Wednesday: My Beautiful Baby Girl

2009-05-13T09:35:00.004-04:00

Not such a baby anymore...

The Battle of The Bulge, Part 357

2009-05-12T08:00:00.002-04:00

If you have been reading my blog for a while, you will be well aware of my battle with the scale, specifically the fact that I can't seem to lose this pesky 40 LB's of unsightly adipose that makes me look like the Pillsbury Dough Mommy. I have tried almost everything, but with my insulin resistance and PCOS, I have finally realized that the only way for me to lose this weight is to go (insert dramatic music here) LOW CARB FOR LIFE.

How depressing is that? Seriously, what kind of life is one in which you can't have big bowls of pasta and steaming hot french bread, bagels overflowing with cream cheese and ice cream with hot fudge melting its icy goodness...oh man, I just drooled on my computer keyboard.

But I had to step back and take a good, long look at what I wanted from my life. Did I want to keep gaining weight until I couldn't get off the couch without someone pulling my hand to assist me? Did I want to find myself with diabetes in 20 years from being fifty pounds overweight and ignoring my predisposition to the disease by eating too many carbs and indulging in sugary treats? Did I want to continue to shy away from letting my husband see me naked with the lights on because I am so ashamed of the cellulite rolls and the fact that my thighs can't even remember the day when they weren't rubbing together like two animals trying to stay warm?

In a word, NO.

And I know if I don't lose this weight and get pregnant again within the next year like I am hoping to, that I will find myself 90 or a hundred pounds overweight after giving birth again, rather than the 40 I am right now. Many of my friends have said "why not just finish having kids and THEN lose weight so you won't gain it back?" To that I say that I am pretty sure it is easier to lose 40 pounds twice than a hundred pounds once. I could be wrong, but I would much rather start my pregnancy at a healthy weight, plus I don't want to put myself at risk for gestational diabetes by being overweight when I get pregnant.

So you know what all this means right? Yup, it means that Dr. Atkins and I have started a very intimate relationship. One that is not going to only last until I lose the desired amount of weight, then commence in an awkward break-up and lots of emotional eating until I gain all the weight back; but a true, lasting, lifelong relationship, in which I change the way I eat and look at food. I didn't want to do it. I resisted, I tried to convince myself that I could do it my own way, but really, I was in denial. So I have decided to get off this disastrous, dangerous rollercoaster they call "dieting" and do what has to be done.

And of course I will continue working out almost every day, feeling the burn and building that much needed sinew. That is the part of the equation that never changes. But now, instead of working out and working out to no avail and only feeling stronger but not seeing any results on the scale or my waistline, this time I have the magic recipe for feeling strong AND losing the fat. I have already lost five pounds since I started last week, so I know this is what I should be doing.

Now comes the surprising part--It's not as hard as I thought it would be. I'm not miserable, I am not craving sugar and carbs, nor am I ravenously hungry. Every other time I have tried to cut carbs out of my diet, I have been a moody, emotional mess and couldn't look at a piece of bread without bursting into tears. It's not like that this time. And I finally figured out why.

This time is different. I have made the committment to change my life, my health and my body so completely and fully that it is as if my mind will not allow me to stray from my proposed plan. Realistically, I know that in a week and a half, I can have some carbs again, and in a few months I will even be able to have whole grain breads and pastas. Will I ever be able to binge on my favorite foods on a regular basis? No. But I am finally able to look at it and realize that it is a small price to pay to find the woman inside that I know is hiding under all the folds and rolls of fat.

I want to live a long, active life with my children and I want to proudly strip naked for my husband in the bright lights of day. I want to put on a bathing suit without tears and wear shorts in the summer when it's hot instead of roasting in long pants because I can't stand to show my legs. And finally, I want to look in the mirror and see a body that is strong and lean, one that I am proud of and makes me feel powerful and like I can do anything.

Sounds pretty good, doesn't it? So tell me, what is something YOU have been wanting to do, something you know you NEED to do, that you have been putting off because you think it will be too hard? Maybe you just need to take a long look at the alternative and then make the committment. Sometimes, just changing your attitude and looking at things from a different angle can be exactly what you need. If I can do it, you can do it.

So here's to hoping I can do it...who's taking bets?

A Day Late and a Dollar Short: Happy Mother's Day

2009-05-11T07:45:00.002-04:00

Seems I'm always a little late these days. Sorry about that. But I do love all you fabulous moms out there who come and read my crazy drivel and I hope you had incredible Mother's Days in which you were pampered and catered to in the style of which you deserve.

Or if you are like me, you at least didn't have to cook.

Happy Mother's Day!

We're Baaaaaaaack!

2009-05-07T08:00:00.000-04:00

Just when you thought you were rid of us, Captain Dumbass and I are back, and back with a vengeance! We have a new blog for He Blogs, She Blogs, a new format and we are ready to rock out with our cocks out. Well, not me, cause I am lacking the proper equipment, but I'll improvise.

So go over to He Blogs, She Blogs and let me know what you think of the new pad. There is a welcome post up over there so read, comment, you know the drill. Also, FOLLOW us so you won't miss one juicy piece of HBSB action. We need topics for our posts, which are now both going to be featured over there on Thursdays, as well as some surprise guest posters here and there so leave us some ideas. What do you want each of us to blog about? This time around, it will be ONE topic per post, so we can wax extensively on each issue instead of just answering questions. Get creative and bring on the provocative questions you have always wanted sussed out by the opposite sex!

Oh yeah, and grab the button and put it in your sidebar. The Captain and I will be forever in your debt. Well, not really, but we will think you are really, really cool :)

(Almost) Wordless Wednesday: The Princess Has Left The Building

2009-05-06T08:00:00.002-04:00

This is the cake my mother (Rose from All About Cakes) made for my daughter for her 3rd birthday party - the Disney Princess Extravaganza. Amazing, isn't it? She may be a tad bit spoiled. But aren't all princesses?

Apparently, this little princess has figured out the diva complex often associated with princess status, since most of the day she refused to wear her dress (which she has worn non stop for two months now) and wanted nothing more than to lay on the couch sucking her thumb while her guests were outside partying. Needless to say, Mommy was ready to glue the dress to her and drag her by the wand to join the party by the end of the day, but we still had a blast. Here are some highlights:

Before the stripping Cinderella began taking it all off.

Cinderella and her "shining prince" brother (as she called him) dancing

The miserable knight in shining armor who took off his costume
before anyone even got there. Sigh.

Cinderella and her best buddy, Belle, dancing in the kitchen

The princess hitting the pinata

And of course no princess is complete without her treasures

Stay tuned for some really important announcements the end of this week involving the new He Blogs, She Blogs blog and recruiting I am doing for a book I am working on. It's going to be some fun stuff, you won't want to miss it!

She's Lucky She's Cute

2009-05-05T14:24:00.003-04:00

I am having one of those days. You know those days where nothing goes right, and you drop everything you pick up and you literally feel like crying over everything? Yeah, that's today.

The main culprit behind this terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day is my adorable, sweet, little bundle of 3-year-old joy. Otherwise known as the "formerly adorable, sweet bundle of joy" because now she just simply goes by a symbol that looks like a giant, evil, gothic 3 due to the fact that there are no words to describe how relentlessly demanding she is lately. She doesn't listen. She laughs at me when I discipline her. She pulls all the DVDs out, tears up paper and strews it all over the room and screams at me for snacks and chocolate milk at regular intervals. I am pretty sure that someone came down from some other galaxy and took my child, replacing her with this maniacal toddler whom I do not recognize. I'm not sure what avenues I will need to go through to get this sorted out, I am pretty sure there is no Alien Abduction Child Task Force, but all I know is that if it doesn't get cleared up pretty soon, I might just have to be committed. Actually, being committed sounds pretty good right about now. Imagine all the work I could get done in a quiet, white, padded cell...

So if anyone knows of how I can get my child back, please forward me the appropriate information so I can nip this in the bud.

Everyone told me that 3 was worse than 2. I didn't believe them. I scoffed and thought there was no way my perfect little angel would miraculously change overnight on her 3rd birthday. But as one of my friends put it "Whoever said 2 was worse than 3 didn't let their child see their 3rd birthday." Because I swear, as soon as her 3rd birthday loomed around the corner, I saw something change in the twinkle of her eye and there were little hints that something big was about to happen. I admit it, I was still in denial. I had lots of excuses. "It's just because she is excited about her birthday," "It's because her allergies are bothering her," and "Maybe it's the change of the seasons." I was wrong. Oh, how wrong I was.

I'm hoping we make it through the day. If you see smoke signals coming from the general direction of the Northeast, just be aware that it is probably me, desperate for some respite from the horriffic harrassment I am enduring from my toddler. And, please, if you have a 2-year-old, do yourself a favor and prepare yourself for the 3rd birthday. Put away all the sharp instruments, get some Xanax and hire a baby sitter. Seriously, you will thank me for it later.

Random Thursday Thoughts: Better Late Than Never, Right? Right?

2009-04-30T08:20:00.003-04:00

Well, I missed Random Tuesday Thoughts because I was busy moaning every time I swallowed and trying not to faint from fever while chasing around my 3-year-old. Yes, I got sick AGAIN and this time it was God's way of telling me to SLOW THE FUCK DOWN and stop what I was doing because, well, I had no choice. It's rather difficult to do anything when it hurts every appendage when you move and you can barely keep your eyes open. So even though I didn't stop working completely, I did blow off almost everything else, which includes my dear, dear, poor little neglected blog. I'm sorry blog. Hugs? Are we cool?

The good news is that I DO NOT have swine flu. So all that oinking and rolling in the mud was just a really odd compulsion of mine.

However, in the midst of all the Chloraseptic spraying, nose blowing and Advil popping, I got some good news.

I GOT A WRITING JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yup, it didn't take long for things to turn around and make me feel (somewhat) less bitter about not getting that other job (what was that site's name? Huh, can't even remember...) and this one is MUCH cooler (at least that is what my therapist is telling me). I will be a contributing writer for none other than SEXIS magazine, EdenFantasys.com online rag for all things sex related. Let the comments about me being much more suited for this type of writing commence. But not only do I have much more experience with sex than babies (well, you know, there's a lot more practice involved before the actual baby gets there), but it is going to be so FUN. My editor is the bomb--he's cool, intelligent and hilariously funny and has already given me my first assignment which I LOVE. I am not going to tell you what it is, so it will be a nice little surprise when it is published in a couple of weeks, but I will just say it is a fantastic topic that allows me to be a real journalist, delving into culture, society, sex, and politics, while keeping a great sense of humor and entertaining the readers. I am PUMPED. And it helps that the money is great.

My daughter turned 3 on Sunday. Somebody please tell me how I can stop this terrible thing called "growing up." Pretty soon she won't want to snuggle with me anymore and everything I say will be embarrassing. That makes me throw up in my mouth a little bit.

This Sunday we are having a huge princess party and I can't wait. I might be just as excited as she is, because just the thought of seeing all the little girls and boys in their princess and prince costumes simultaneously makes my heart swell and gives me a toothache. I just love those little ankle biters. Too bad they can't stay that way (see above). Cause my 9-year-old lately has an attitude that makes my skin crawl and I remember the day when he was oh-so-cute too. Here's to hoping he doesn't go around telling all the toddlers on Sunday that there is no such thing as magic and fairy dust.

I still feel like crap, so that's about all I have today. I noticed that the blog was getting cobwebs, so I thought it was about time to post something. I promise next week I will try to get back on a more regular posting schedule, as well as get on the HBSB blog creation so we can pick that back up as well. Everybody have an awesome weekend and you might want to sanitize your hands after reading this blog post. You can never be too careful.

Some Things of Interest...Or Not

2009-04-23T10:00:00.001-04:00

Do you know what happens when you work from home during vacation week with a 9-year-old with ADHD and a 3-year-old who is, well, 3, take away sleeping well at night because of said 3-year-old's allergies keeping her up all night and add in a dash of dirty house and piles of laundry to be done THEN adding a terrible sore throat, stuffy nose and headache? You get ME. This week has been pretty crazy and there is so much to be done, but I wanted to take some time to make a couple of announcements.

The first thing I wanted to share with you is that the company that I work for, Care.com, is having a promotion this weekend of the 24th to the 26th. Here are the details:

Care.com is holding its first-ever Free Weekend!
From Friday, April 24 through Sunday, April 26, Care.com will waive its regular subscription fee and allow full access to hundreds of thousands of pre-screened, high-quality babysitters, nannies, and other caregivers for free.

Experience the benefits of paid, premium membership for FREE!

Post a job or search pre-screened caregivers
Review background checks and references
Contact your ideal caregiver!

Take advantage of this opportunity to start your search for summertime care. Don’t miss Care.com’s Free Weekend!

Program Details:

Premium access to Care.com is FREE between 12:00 am PDT April 24, 2009 and 11:59 pm PDT April 26, 2009.

In order to protect the privacy of our caregivers, Free Weekend members will not receive access to caregiver phone numbers and will only be able to message caregivers through Care.com.

Free weekend members’ ability to access Care.com messages and to send and receive new messages will end at 11:59 pm PDT on April 26, 2009.

Free weekend members will be able to request one FREE background check during Free Weekend.

This is an awesome opportunity and if you are looking for a caregiver for your little ones or parents, need a housekeeper or even a personal assistant, this site will help you find the perfect person. I have been working for them for over a year and have used their services to find a baby sitter and they are AWESOME. So hopefully some of you can take advantage of the free weekend!

Next, some of you may have noticed that He Blogs, She Blogs has been on a bit of a hiatus for the past few weeks. Or not, maybe I am flattering myself that anyone would notice. Either way, we are taking a bit of a break from HBSB, but it will be back and better than ever. I have decided to shake things up a bit and give this feature its very own blog where both Captain Dumbass and I will both post, as well as having special guests. Along with the change of venue, there will also be some changes in format you can expect to see. We will focus on one topic per post so we can really go into the subject, and it will be less like a question and answer session and more like actual topical posts. We will still need topic suggestions from everyone so get your thinking caps on and tell me and the Cap'n what you want us to really delve into.

And finally, you see that little badge over there to the left? Well, if you click on it, it will allow you to vote for me for the Blogger's Choice Awards for Hottest Mommy Blogger. Now I am not sure if this is "hot" as in I have bodacious ta-ta's and awesome hair or if it means that I am just on fire with bloggity notoriety, but either way, I would greatly appreciate it if you would go vote for me. Although I know I have no chance of winning over Dooce, Scary Mommy and The Pioneer Woman, I would like to at least not humiliate myself by only getting a measly 8 votes. So please go vote, you can vote for as many people as you want, and I won't even be offended if you vote for Dooce while you are over there.

Oh yeah, and let me know what you are nominated for and I will be sure to go click on you in return! I am all about reciprocity.

Thanks to all my gorgeous, smart, talented, and HOT readers. (No, I am not sucking up, I just love showering you guys with praise and flattery. Is there something wrong with that?)

(Almost) Wordless Wednesday: Can You See Their Halos?

2009-04-22T14:48:00.002-04:00

Don't they look innocent? Aren't they cute? Yeah, that's how they get you.

The Love Affair

2009-04-21T08:00:00.001-04:00

I have found myself consumed with a love affair of sorts. Not with another person, but one with my lifelong hobby of devouring books and losing myself in their fictional worlds. Hobby is not the right word; this interest of mine is so much more--more intense, more passionate, and more like a relationship. Sometimes it is a romantic, whimsical love affair. At other times it is a dangerous, frightening tryst that I know isn't good for me, but makes me feels so satisfied. And of course there is the guilty pleasure, the lover that isn't quite good enough for me, not even remotely challenging enough, but that brings me to a happy, simple place, devoid of responsibility and deep thought. I forgo sleep, food and anything else that takes precious time away from my beloved, and feel it pulling me back to it when I put it down to tend to life.

I am slipping into old patterns of immersing myself completely in a book and finding it difficult to extricate myself from its grips. The escape it offers me is intoxicating, too tempting to avoid and too fulfilling to stop. Now I can't get enough; I am piling my nightstand with books recommended to me, ones that I have heard about from who-knows-where and ones that just caught my eye in one of my many meandering browses through the bookstore. My drug, my addiction. My love affair.

So if you notice that I am not around much, you can almost be certain where I can be found. Tucked into the corner of my couch with a blanket thrown over my legs and a book in my lap. Enjoying my time in someone else's world and avoiding real life, this is where I will be. Who knows when I will be able to break the hold this lover has on me?

Although I need to pay more attention to reality, I am not quite sure I am ready to break it off just yet.

She Goes Both Ways

2009-04-16T08:31:00.003-04:00

Today's post is focused around another awesome article from SEXIS magazine over at EdenFantasys.com. This one is my personal favorite, for it hits close to home for me. The title of the article is She Goes Both Ways: Women and Bisexuality. So your next question is obviously going to be: "Are you bisexual?" And the answer to that question is a loud and resounding maybe.

Don't like that answer do you? Ha, well, I am sorry to tell you that there are so many stops along the way on the sexuality scale that is is hard to define sometimes. Especially with women, so many of us are open to sexual experiences with different sexes, without necessarily considering ourselves "gay" or "bisexual."That's what this article is all about.

The author does a really great job at explaining how women view sexuality, and that it is not always about whether you have a penis or a vagina. In my case, for instance, I have had relationships with women in the past. However, I am not attracted to every good looking woman that I see, quite the opposite actually. I am attracted to the person, the whole package, and sometimes that person isn't traditionally beautiful or sexy. In contrast, with men, I am usually attracted to the traditional definition of the "sex symbol" such as Brad Pitt or Robert Pattinson, and it doesn't really matter what's "inside" if you know what I mean. It's like with one sex I am playing chess and the other checkers. A totally different game, one much more complex and complicated, so I don't like to play it every day. Let's just say I have been known to play game after game of checkers, but I am still figuring out how to play the game of chess.

So since I am bisexual, I must love threesomes, huh? Yeah, my husband wishes. As the author points out, just because a woman is open to sex with other women, it does not mean that she is automatically into group sex or that she loves to have sex with women for men's enjoyment. This is a fantasy that all men have, and they so want it to be true. But I am sorry to say guys, it is not. Do some bisexual women like group sex? Absolutely. But certainly not all. And many of us (such as myself) have a preference for one sex and choose that sex over the other to settle down in a monogamous relationship. Or they meet the "perfect" individual for them, regardless of sex, and choose them for the rest of their lives. And just like there are some heterosexual and homosexual individuals who decide to be promiscuous and never settle down, there are bisexuals who do so as well. Different strokes for different folks. It takes all walks of life to fill this little village we call a planet.

Finally, the author goes over how difficult it can be for bisexuals in society. Gays criticize, saying that women are just "curious" or that they are just not "out of the closet" yet. Traditional society thinks it's strange and not quite accepted. So where does that leave all the women out there that aren't ready to choose their genitalia preference? Well, it leaves them with an intense need to be confident in who they are, and pay no attention to the closed minded people who believe you have to be one way or the other. That's not always easy, but it's worth it in the end. Life is hard enough as it is, and finding love and companionship is a struggle we all have to endure. But being true to yourself and open to love in all its forms is the key to finding what you need, whether it be marriage, an open relationship or just a series of partners who teach you about who are you and what you enjoy.

Go read the article. It's good. And it just may open your eyes to a lifestyle that you never understood, or one that you always thought might be for you. Whatever you do, go with your eyes and heart open, and don't let your preconceived definitions of love and sex cloud your judgement. Love is love, people. Embrace it in all its forms.

While you are over there, check out some other articles and sex tips at SEXIS. It's a great site for breaking open the taboo topics without making it dirty or uncomfortable. Join in on the forum discussions and get answers to questions you have been pondering, and you might just learn something new.

You Can Take Your Stupid Job and Shove It

2009-04-15T07:46:00.005-04:00

So, as you can tell by the title, I did not get the job :(

Here's the e-mail I received:

Petra,

After a very difficult decision-making process, we've decided that, unfortunately, we're not going to be able to offer you the position of Guide to Baby's First Year at this time.

This was not an easy choice. Your pieces were well-written, informative and entertaining. You clearly know the topic well.

It's no fun for us to turn away qualified writers, but we only have room for one person for this topic.

Feel free to use the pieces however you like.

Thanks for all the time and work you put into the site.

Last night I drowned my sorrows in half a bottle of Cabernet and maybe cried just a little bit.

Then I got on the computer and started searching for new opportunities and e-mailing people I thought could point me in the right direction. I may be down, but I'm certainly not out, and I would truly like to believe that everyone is correct in saying that this happened because something else better is waiting around the corner.

Or life just sucks.

Thankfully, I have the final book in the Twilight series to keep my mind off of things, although I must admit that I am hesitant because if Edward and Bella don't get married, FINALLY get it on (preferably in a VERY steamy sex scene) and make Bella immortal in this final installment, I may not have anything left to live for. Should I take the chance? WAIT! I take that back--DON'T TELL ME ANYTHING! The only thing worse would be a spoiler...

So thanks everyone for all the crossed fingers, prayers and positive vibes. I am sorry they were all in vain. But you guys are the absolute best and I am so lucky and blessed to have you. You are more than just readers and fellow bloggers...you are true friends.

No, I am not crying again! I have something in my eye...

Random Tuesday Thoughts: I Didn't Want You To Follow Me Anyway...Stalker

2009-04-14T08:31:00.003-04:00

Hey, I am back this week with some random thoughts, since that's about all my brain is capable of lately anyway. So yippee! If you want to get in on the fun, go to Keely's pad and grab the button and write some random crap, sign Mr. Linky, and we will read it! How easy is that?

You know what's not all that easy? (Clever segue way, don't you think? I AM a great writer, let me tell ya) Being almost to 200 followers and then LOSING a follower so now you are two away from 200 instead of one. I was seriously all ready to celebrate having the big 2-0-0 in my followers list and then some douchebag follower decided to UN-follow me, probably due to my whining about the job that I want so bad or that I am super depressing cause all I wrote about last week was my uncle who died, so now I am all "Whatever. I didn't want you to follow me anyway; you were probably one step away from becoming some obsessed stalker, and you know, I don't need that drama in my life right now." So that's a relief.

I realized that I missed my true following people, and that is being a Disney on Ice Princess. My little one and I went and saw Disney on Ice with my girlfriend and her daughter two weekends ago and I sat there wishing that I could skate around on the ice in a beautiful princess costume and have Prince Charming or Aladdin (HOTTIE) pick me up and throw me around, then lift me up over his head like Patrick Swayze did in Dirty Dancing, and then we'd all get to skate together to "When You Wish Upon a Star" at the end and my life would be complete. I mean, seriously, there is nothing that makes me happier than some good Disney music, complete with beautiful people dressed in character, and I would be perfect for it. I have Belle written all over me. I had to practically unscrew my smile afterwards. Uh-huh, I had more fun than the kids did, so what's it to ya? Can't a mom enjoy herself every now and then? Yeah, that's what I thought.

I informed my husband this morning that if I get this job (please, please, please, please God, let me get it!!) that when we move to our new house, I WILL be hiring a cleaning lady. End of story. I am pretty sick of working 30 hours a week AND taking care of the kids AND doing all the cleaning AND the laundry AND the dishes AND the pet care, and whatever else comes up. I understand that my husband works so much that he literally doesn't even have any time to help me out that much, so since that is the reality, our new reality is going to be that Mommy is going to have a little "right hand woman." Hopefully her name will be Alice and she will wear a blue dress and a white apron and if things work out, she'll make us cookies and have surprising insights every now and then to help us solve problems. But I don't want to be too picky.

Lastly, I have a confession to make:

My name is Petra and I am a Twilight addict.

OK, OK, I apologize for all the times that I made fun of all the grown women out there obsessing over Edward, reading the books over and over and standing in line for five hours to get into the midnight showing of Twilight. And I'm sorry that I rolled my eyes and got irritated every time I read ANOTHER post about Edward and how hot he was and how every mom out there wanted to jump his bones. I have joined the legion of the un-dead lovers and even though he is a fictional character, I also love him with all my heart and soul and will wait in line for a year to see New Moon, and may just change my name to Bella and move to Washington in hopes that I might meet a darling, sexy, vegetarian vampire just like him. Alright? Are you happy now? You can all throw tomoatoes at me now and call me a hypocrite, whatever. As long as you don't try to steal my man away from me, OK? He's MINE!

So head over to The Un-Mom now and read her Random Tuesday Thoughts. Hopefully soon I was have some un-random things to write about, namely that I got a certain job I have been coveting, but I am not making any promises.

Seacrest out.

The Post That Almost Wasn't, and Then Was

2009-04-13T12:07:00.004-04:00

I wasn't sure if I wanted to post today.

I don't have too much to say, but I really wanted to thank everyone who extended their warm wishes and condolences for the passing of my uncle. Last week was a hard week, and I am very glad to have it behind me. I am also done with my training for About.com and now the editor will review the work we have all done and make his decision. I tried to find out when I would find out, but I didn't get a straight answer, so I guess I just have to sit here with my stomach tied in knots and wait it out. At least it's beautiful outside and I have plenty of other things to distract me, such as the loads of laundry that were neglected last week and my disgustingly grimy bathroom in desperate need of a scrubbing.

I feel strangely optimistic and upbeat, which is making me a little nervous. I don't like feeling too confident, in order to avoid jinxing myself and getting my hopes too high, only to be crushed under the oppressive weight of rejection. But the week lays ahead of me like a clean slate and I intend on filling it with meaningful actions and a positive attitude. Even if I don't get the job. Although, I can't promise that if I am rejected that I might not crawl under the covers with a bottle of Cabernet and not come out for 24 hours. I should probably notify my husband that he needs to get the day off.

But I fully intend on crawling out of bed the next day with a full-on stellar attitude. Promise.

Thanks again to everyone for all the support and friendship. It helped so much knowing that you were all out there sending me positive vibes and praying for me and my family in our time of need.

I will be sure to let you all know as soon as I find out about the job, and promise not to hide in my rejection cocoon until after posting if it's bad news. Here's hoping for good news to share soon!

(Almost) Wordless Wednesday: In Memory of a Wonderful Man

2009-04-08T08:00:00.000-04:00

On Monday evening, my dear, dear Uncle Jimmy passed away after a long battle with cancer.

I love you Uncle Jimmy, and I will miss you very much.

Winner of The EdenFantasys.com Giveaway!

2009-04-06T08:41:00.003-04:00

Alright folks. I have chosen the winner using Random.org and that person with the lucky number is:

Kelly from Baby Boogers!!!

Congrats Kelly! Send me your address via e-mail (there is a link in my right sidebar to e-mail me) and I will send it along to EdenFantasys so you will receive your prize tout de suite! (For those non French-takers in high school, that means at once.) Some of you may know that Kelly is pregnant with her second child, so this is perfect for spicing things up between her and her hubby when they need it the most!

I am going to wrap this up today with an advanced apology in case I am a little MIA this week with posts and/or commenting on all your blogs. I am in my final week of About.com training and have a lot of work and stress ahead of me. If all goes well, I should find out their decision a week from today, so keep those appendages crossed! I also have a THOUSAND things to do this week for the family, work, etc. and I feel like I might be getting a sore throat so blogging may have to take the backseat this week. I promise I will make it all up to you guys and I will try to get at least a couple of posts up, even if they are lame and half-hearted. One thing is for sure, though. I will let you guys know as soon as I know about the job because I know y'all are on the edge of your seats. You have shown me so much love and support, so I want to thank you again! It has been a huge help!

Everybody enjoy your Monday and wish me luck in not going out of my mind this week!

Another EdenFantasys.com Review and Giveaway!!

2009-04-03T08:00:00.002-04:00

Yes folks, the time has come for another EdenFantasys review and giveaway and I know that a lot of other bloggers are hopping on the dildo-train with some giveaways, but I am pretty sure that NONE of them are giving away this:
This, my friends, is the Remote Control Butterfly. And it is as interesting as it looks. This one was my husband's idea because he likes to torture me for his own amusement, but let's just say that it didn't take all that much convincing on my part. I don't know about all of you, but lately I have been feeling a little "bleh" in the bedroom, what with the extra weight hanging off my frame and working so much that at the end of the day my hand involuntarily goes for the mouse to change the channel on the television. I just haven't been feeling sexy or inspired to shake things up to push through it. This little gem was exactly what I needed.

So in case you have no idea what this thing is, I will tell you that it is a rubber butterfly that straps on like a thong and there is a vibrating "stimulator" that fits right over your "holy grail." The stimulator is controlled by a WIRELESS REMOTE CONTROL, so basically your partner can take the reigns and have full control over when and where (operable word being "where" here) you get the stimulation. So hubby, of course, was ready and raring to try it out as soon as we got it, telling me to put it on and meet him to go out to dinner. Yes, I said out to dinner.

It took a lot of me trusting him and giving up control to agree to this, a little wearily at first. But as soon as I realized that it didn't make any noise, was NOT visible under my clothes and that the vibration wasn't so powerful that I would end up in a When Harry Met Sally Moment in the middle of Joe's Bar and Grill, I let go and went with it. And it was fun. It was exciting to have our own little secret and not knowing when he was going to hit the button made me hot with anticipation all evening. The one thing I made him promise was that he didn't do it while I was ordering my food. And he was nice enough to comply.

So all in all, I give this item four out of five stars. It was comfortable to wear and the vibration intensity was just right. However, the one thing I wasn't crazy about was that there was only one setting and it wasn't constant vibration. It came on and off in spurts, I guess you could say. But it was still a big turn-on and it spiced up our night, making us both sufficiently warmed up by the time we got home. RAWR!

So you know the name of the game--leave me a comment, telling me how you would take advantage of this item's, ahem, portability and discreetness. Get creative, I want to hear lots of great ideas! For your comment you will get one entry in the drawing to win the Remote Control Butterfly. If you Facebook or Tweet the giveaway, you will earn yet ANOTHER entry, and write about it on your blog and I will give you TWO more entries. So for those of you in desperate need of some spicing up in the bedroom, give me some linky love and your chances will be DOUBLED. Just make sure you e-mail me and let me know what you did for extra entries! Oh yeah, you can also go visit the EdenFantasys.com web site, your premier source for the best sex toys around, choose something else you would like me to review and giveaway and send me an e-mail telling me what it is. That will ALSO earn you another entry. Am I generous or WHAT?

The contest will close Sunday at midnight on April 5th and I will choose the winner Monday morning. Good luck everyone. I can't wait to hear what y'all have to say about this one...

(Almost) Wordless Wednesday: BFF's

2009-04-01T08:00:00.000-04:00

My daughter and her best buddy holding hands while walking at the zoo. Can you get any more precious than that?

I think not.

The Venus Pendulum: A Brief History of Women and Sex

2009-03-31T12:52:00.004-04:00

Ever feel like the men in your life should be bowing down and worshiping at the alter that is your uterus? Yeah, me too. And there was a time WAY back when that happened on a regular basis, complete with statues and shrines built for worshiping goddesses. The article The Venus Pendulum: A Brief History of Women and Sex from SEXIS at EdenFantasys.com explores these practices, along with the theory that the history of women and sex is like a pendulum, which swings back and forth between "Venus-centric" and "penis-centric," from adoring and respecting women and their sexuality, to stifling their sex lives and condemning the clitoris while simultaneously placing the penis on a pedestal.

The article is interesting, and the author does a great job of summarizing a fascinating and complicated subject in a fairly short piece of writing. The major movements in women and sex throughout history are cataloged, each further described with quotes from renowned authors and philosophers who have taken on the subject. The concept of one era considering the reproductive organs as sacred and mystical while another deems it the cause of women's "hysteria" is proof of this pendulum theory and how religion and society have radically transformed people's thoughts. Currently we are at the top of the upswing, and tits and ass abound, so according to the theory we should be heading into a darker, more conservative sexual age. Does this mean we may be spared seeing Hannah Montana's spread in Playboy in the near future? Somehow, unfortunately, I think not.

Go check out the article, and while you are there, join some of the threads in the forums. We've got some great discussions going that you will want to be a part of. Remember, SEXIS is the hub for all your sex tips and sex guides. A little knowledge goes a long way...

He Blogs, She Blogs: Steenky Bee Style

2009-03-30T08:00:00.001-04:00

Today is the day. My lovely, gorgeous, sexy, funny, and intelligent friend Jen from Steenky Bee is guest posting today for He Blogs, She Blogs. Which means that basically I have to go sit in the corner and suck my thumb while rocking back and forth in despair at how much more awesome she is than I am and how humbled I am to have HER words appearing on MY blog. In the immortal words of Wayne and Garth, "I'm not worthy, I'm not worthy..."

And if having Steenky Bee isn't cool enough for you, Captain Dumbass has Christopher from Cajoh taking over on his site today to give you the "he" part of the equation in He Blogs, She Blogs. So when you finish here today, head over there to Us and Them, unless you've already been there and read Christopher's awesomeness.

The one thing I ask of you is please, PLEASE, still continue to come back and read when the reigns are passed back to me. I know I am no Steenky Bee, but I try really hard. And I do it all for you. That's worth something right?

The Captain and I picked some awesome questions from The Stiletto Mom, Marinka, Blogging Mama Andrea, and Natasha from Exile Street. Here are the questions and Steenky Bee's insights, for your reading pleasure:

The Stiletto Mom said…

What is the biggest fight you had over the dumbest thing EVER? (it's always the stupid fights that get big)

Oh Stiletto Mom, my dearest friend, a few things come to mind with this one. There’s the time Jeremy (my husband, and never-ending fodder for Steenky Bee) set our garage on fire. Or there’s the time I accidentally shaved his head just hours before his brother’s wedding. But I would have to say, the fight that will never, EVER end (are you reading this, honey?) has to be way back in 2002 when the two of us were lying in bed together, just about to drift off to sleep. I lovingly turned to him, gently caressed his cheek and purred into his ear, “Who do you think is funnier, you or me?”

Jeremy furrowed his brow, took a deep breath and then thoughtfully announced, “I think I am the funny one in our relationship.”

Well, folks, I was not taking this news flash from him lying down. I immediately jumped out of bed, flipped the lights on and stood there in front of him on the bed and demanded he explain himself.

Of course, Jeremy practically burned a hole in our bed sheets trying to back peddle faster than I’ve ever seen anyone attempt to this day. He managed to stammer out “No, no, no! What I meant was, YOU, my lovely and ever-so-hot wife, are funnier in a crowd, while I’m only reasonably amusing one on one.”

I then proceeded to jump on the bed until I bounced him out and onto the floor. Then I screamed, “Who’s funnier now, bitch?”

Actually, I didn’t get the chance to yell that last line at him. I only managed to get out “Who’s funnier…” before the bouncing moves on our hand-me-down mattress, BOOM! our bed frame collapsed.

So, who’s funnier? My husband and I argue over that small detail daily. You should also know that I broke our bed about three years later when Jeremy tried to tell me he thought he had better legs than me.

Marinka said...

Here is my question--in terms of movies, do you fake it? Do you pretend that you want to see Fried Green Harry Met Sally While You Were Sleeping with your girlfriend/wife/escort? Or do you announce that it's torture for you and that she really owes you? And Petra, do you expect your husband to put up with chick flicks? Or do you go see them with your friends and leave him alone?

Whoa. That was a mouthful, wasn’t it? (That’s what she said.) Okay, Marinka, the blogger with the most beautiful avatar image ever (seriously, go check it out), I believe in brutal honesty about tastes in films…after the first ten dates. Before that point? The guy better pretend he wants to take me to see Hotel For Dogs or Twilight (for the third time, but who's counting?). But once we’ve kissed, then the guy is free to go ahead and watch all the Die Harder With Extreme Prejudice films you want.

As an aside, you should know, just in case you’re ever traveling through my home state, Utah: You can’t legally touch lips until after the tenth date. If you’re still dating by the fifteenth date, then according to the state laws, you are legally married for all time and eternity. Look it up, folks. If you don't believe me, then I'll be happy to send the missionaries over to your house.

Blogging Mama Andrea said...

When your visiting you or your spouses family for a week and your spouse asks you if you wanna 'get it on' cause everyone's sleeping, what would YOU say?

Well, Andrea, may I call you Andrea? Andrea, my in-laws only live 40 minutes from my house and I can’t think of a circumstance where we would be staying a week at their house, unless, of course, it was the apocalypse or something. They have the best stockpile of food storage ever, plus they live in a mountainous area, so I could see myself just using their house as a home base until we could built an inpenatrable underground fortress to wait out all the looting and lawlessness that's bound to accompany the end of the world.

Back to Andrea's question.

I don’t know about you, but when my husband says to me, “Wanna get it on” it can mean only two things. He either wants to Greco-Roman wrestle or have some sort of a dance off. Is that what you were referring to, Andrea? Because if not, then you're going to be really disappointed in my answer. You see, in the Steenky household, a dance off or a wrestling match is a perfectly acceptable means to settle almost any dispute. The only exception, of course, is the age-old arguement of who is funnier. For that, of course, we jump on the bed until it breaks and then hold that dissagreement over the husband's head for eight years.

So, "getting in on" at my in-laws house? Would I do it? Absolutely. Have I done it? Yep. Just a few weeks ago while at dinner at the in-laws, Jeremy and I had a small disagreement about the phrase "flesh this out". For whatever reason, he thought the way to say that phrase was, "flush this out." We debated this most important point in front of twelve other people while as our lasagne got cold until we finally came to our senses and decided to "get in on" in the form of a dance off. In front of the entire family.

To make a long, and quite strange story short, Jeremy was the victor. This probably does not come as a big surprise to those of you who know of my dancing handicap. Jeremy pulled out an awesome dance sequence that included the Running-Man, the Worm and a new move he created especially for this contest that he called the "Oh Yeah? Flush This, Jen!" I have to say, the Oh Yeah? Flush This, Jen looks an awful lot like someone just jogging in place while flipping the bird, but Jeremy swears it's a highly technical dance move. I might believe him.

Natasha from Exile on Mom Street said...

So how do you deal when the much-adored sibling is a complete asshat?

First, please allow me to tell you that you have quickly become one of my favorite people for simply using one of my favorite words in your question. Asshat. Does it really get better than that? I don't think so.

Okay, Natasha, this question is both easy and yet so complex for me. You see, I have no siblings. It's true, I am one of those only children so my parents have no yardstick to measure me against anyone else. I think for the most part, my parents are relatively happy with how I’ve turned out. I’m financially independent, I earned a college degree, I’ve given them two grandchildren and I’ve never had to be bailed out of jail. What they overlook is that I tend to have liberal views, I’m not the best housekeeper and I’ve been arrested. To be fair, they overlook the whole arrested thing mainly because they don’t know a thing about it.

So, Natasha, you’ve got a brother or sister that’s a royal asshat, huh? Well, I'm not sure if it's wise to take advice from an only child on how to expose your asshat sibling for what they are, but here goes:

1. Take out an ad in your parent's local newspaper, half-page would do, and list all the asshattery your sibling has been up to. Don't be afraid to dig deep, you know, go back a few years. People respond powerfully to stories of one sibling not sharing with another sibling when they were children. If anything, this just establishes a pattern of poor behavior on the part of your sibling.

2. Fake a haunting at their house. Create the illusion of some random ghost villain and torment them until they eventually give in and admit that they are, indeed a jerk. (If you're not exactly sure how to go about this, just watch any episode of Scooby-Doo.) Disclaimer: your plan will most likely go more smoothly if you own glow-in-the-dark paint, own an abandoned castle or if you're a crooked real estate developer. Honestly, don't all Scooby-Doo episodes revolve around land developers?

3. Talk to your sibling. Tell them how you feel. If they argue with you, then would you consider challenging them to a wrestling match? No? Okay, then, dance off it is!

____________________________________________

I am sure everyone will agree that Steenky Bee's answers were sufficiently superb. And if you don't, then I don't want your kind hanging around my blog anyway, so go bother Dooce or something.

Next week we will be back to our regularly scheduled program with me and the Captain "flushing it all out" on THURSDAY (got that Moe?). And we also need some more super cool questions to put your thinking caps on (you know, the one with the two beers and the straws?) and leave us some questions in the comments section so you too can be featured in an HBSB post in the near future. Do it for me, for the Captain, for Steenky Bee, for Christopher, hell, do it for the damn linky love you get out of it, I don't care. Just don't let HBSB die a slow, painful death because we have no more questions. That would blow.

An update for those of you sweet and supportive readers who have been following my progress with the About.com job--I will be moving on to Round 2 (the final round) this week and hopefully will rock their worlds with my page layout prowess. I have no idea how long this round lasts or when I will find out if I got the job, but I will keep you posted. Thank you SO much for all the kind words of support, prayers and finger crossing. Keep it up, would ya??

And stay tuned this week for another SEXIS article and my next EdenFantasys.com product review AND giveaway. Believe me, you don't want to miss this one. This item is so awesome on so many different levels and it comes complete with a priceless story of the first time we (my husband and I, not me and the Captain) used it. Don't worry, nothing too graphic, just hilarious. As hilarious as Steenky Bee? Probably not. But close. With more vibratory goodness.

And everyone loves some vibratory goodness.

Taking a Deep Breath

2009-03-26T08:43:00.003-04:00

Well, if you came here looking for He Blogs, She Blogs, I am sorry to say you're out of luck. We have forgone HBSB this week due to dumbassery and chaos on my part, but will be back on MONDAY next week (yes, we are trying to fuck with your mind) with the superior guest posts from Jen from Steenky Bee and Christopher from Cajoh. So come back then (on Monday. Did I mention it's on Monday? OK, good) and read the brilliant ramblings of Steenky Bee and then go to Us and Them for Christopher's take on things. It's gonna be awesome. Probably too awesome, and then I will look really bad, but whatever. I heart Jen anyway, even if she makes me feel totally inferior. I want to be like her when I grow up. And since she is only, like, two years older than me, that will be in about two years. So I'm getting close.

Today I can finally breathe a big sigh of relief, for the hardest part of the audition process for the About.com job is over. I sent in my last two pieces last night to the editor and now I should find out by tomorrow if I make it to the next round. In the next round, we learn how to upload our material to the website, so I am not really worried about that part. Although I am no techie geek, I know my way around a computer and even know a teensy weensie bit of html, so I think this part will pale in comparision to the pure terrifying stress of the first writerly part. Everybody cross your fingers, pray to your gods or deities and/or say some novenas for my poor little soul. I want this job so bad I can taste it. And it tastes like a really great bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon.

In the good news department, I have lost seven pounds--yippee!!! I have been working my ass off on the Wii Fit, as well as eating well (low calorie, low carb, low sugar--BORING) and not drinking during the week (save me) and it seems to be paying off. I have also gone back on my PCOS medication, which makes me nauseous pretty much 24/7 so that helps with the whole "not eating" thing. But it sucks ass feeling like you are going to puke all the time. I haven't felt this way since I was pregnant with my daughter, and at least back then it was all for a good cause. Although I guess it's worth it if I lose these 33 pounds that I have left to lose. Who needs to feel good as long as you look smokin' hot in a bathing suit, right ladies?

So don't forget to come back Monday for the He Blogs, She Blogs guest posters. And please, say a little prayer for me?

(Almost) Wordless Wednesday: Celebrate! (Princess Style)

2009-03-25T08:47:00.005-04:00

Thanks to Celebrate Express, my daughter is having the most kick-ass Princess Party that any little girl could ever dream of. Yes, we have the plates, the napkins, the balloons, the cups, the crepe paper, everything that we need for a fairy tale party that would make Cinderella jealous. Speaking of, my daughter is dressing up as Cinderella for this party, and we may even have a REAL LIFE Cinderella there to blow her mind. How cool is that?

Celebrate Express is an awesome site to get your party supplies from; they have a great selection and reasonable prices. I am really glad I found them so I wouldn't have to go get raped by I-Party or another comparable party store where they charge you $5 per plate and $30 for a bunch of balloons. In these tough financial times, I am grateful that I can still give my little princess the party she deserves.

Now it's just too bad that most of her friends are boys...sorry little guys!

The Wise (*Young*) Mommy